For those hoping that The Boy Who Stole the Elephant is like an Anarchist’s Cookbook for how to make off with circus animals, you will likely be underwhelmed with little British orphan boy Davey’s scheme to spirit away his soulmate, Queenie. He simply walks out of the circus tent with her in the middle of the night! While there is a certain genius in the simplicity of this plan, he didn’t count on one thing – James Bond’s biggest toothache of them all, Jaws! Continue reading “The Boy Who Stole the Elephant (1970)”
Midnight Heat (1996)
The problem with leading a double life is that once you get run over by a car and catch a dose of amnesia, it makes things twice as hard to remember! Not only do you have the people in your current life harassing you at home and at work trying to get you to remember all the little moronic things you never really cared about in the first place (I work at a bank dealing with farm loans? Doc, I need a refill on my memory loss, stat!), but you’ve also got all the cool, dreamlike flashbacks from your old, much more awesome life (Did I just get jumped into a white supremacy prison gang and rob a bank? Sweet!). Continue reading “Midnight Heat (1996)”
Where Time Began (1977)
Intensive research. Months of planning. Designing and testing cutting edge equipment. Recruiting and training an elite team of crew members. This is the bare minimum necessary when undertaking a mission of exploration into the unknown, whether it be into deep space, the bottom of the ocean or even straight into the center of the Earth. Taking a shortcut on even one of those things will almost certainly lead to disaster! Neglecting all of them? Almost certainly will lead to a cheesy period fantasy movie! Continue reading “Where Time Began (1977)”
The Boogens (1981)
All of the deaths caused by those grody cave creatures, the Boogens, can be laid directly at the feet of that crazy old man Greenwalt. If he had properly done his job as the town kook, maybe everybody wouldn’t have been so surprised when a scaly tentacle wrapped around their leg or a bony claw slashed their throat leading them to bleed out all over the floor. Continue reading “The Boogens (1981)”
Slugs (1988)
If you’ve ever thought about chopping up a slug to put in a salad and then eating that salad this is the film that will have you reconsidering your culinary curiosity!
It turns out those tasty slime logs are loaded with deadly parasites and you don’t want to find that out the hard way like one of the characters did during a business lunch when he was on the verge of getting the big contract signed. As any great business person would tell you, part of the art of the deal is not having your face explode at the negotiating table! Continue reading “Slugs (1988)”
Wild Beasts (1984)
At first glance it seems sensible to be concerned for the children’s safety when the polar bear attacks the ballet school. After all, the lumbering brute is just part of a whole group of animals rampaging across the city after drinking some bad zoo water. Rats are eating cats and people, Cheetahs are racing Volkswagens and folks are getting strangled by elephant trunks! What chance do a bunch of wimpy dance kids have against the most dangerous animal to ever enjoy an ice cold Coke? Continue reading “Wild Beasts (1984)”
The Missing Are Deadly (1975)
Could the Margolin Lab really have anticipated that its progressive “Take Your Simpleton Brother to Work Day” would go so very wrong? Who would have ever guessed that leaving the moronic Jeff alone in the Director’s office would result in Jeff smuggling a plague-ridden mouse to accompany him on his and his brother’s camping trip? Sure the Lab director was also his dad and his brother who brought him knew of his unhealthy obsession with small rodents. But other than those two, no one could have possibly had any idea! Continue reading “The Missing Are Deadly (1975)”