The Astronaut (1972)

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The Astronaut Title ScreenIt’s a conspiracy spanning the cold depths of space from Earth to Mars and back again! And for the people in charge of America’s space program, the stakes have never been higher! (Stakes like avoiding budget cuts – this is a government agency after all.)

For the ex-pilot at the center of it all, it’s a chance for redemption after a flight that went horribly wrong and killed three people on the ground, leaving him so depressed, a job at NASA impersonating the most famous (but dead) astronaut of all time, sounded like a great career choice. Continue reading “The Astronaut (1972)” →

Kick or Die (1987)

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Women are being brutally attacked and raped on the campus of the local college, but now the community is standing together to take back the night! By having a meeting to decide what to do! And they decide what any sensible low budget action would – hire the legendary alumni martial artist to teach the co-ends self defense! And it only took two short raped-filled years to add it to the curriculum! Continue reading “Kick or Die (1987)” →

The Murder Secret (1988)

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Who is the black-gloved killer slashing and decapitating his way through the ugly Italian family spending the weekend at their crazy Aunt Martha’s house? Is it Thomas, the creepy caretaker? Or maybe it’s Thomas, the creepy caretaker. Then there’s always the chance that they’ll pull a fast one on us and have it turn out to be Thomas, the creepy caretaker. Continue reading “The Murder Secret (1988)” →

The Haunted Strangler (1958)

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Boris Karloff (Frankenstein) runs around with a gimped-up arm and makes faces to show us that he has turned from a genteel novelist to a serial killer who likes to slash the pretty girls that work at the local strip joint somehow named “The Judas Hole.” (I just looked this up and it means something like “peep hole”. If nothing else, this movie taught me some cool new slang.) Continue reading “The Haunted Strangler (1958)” →

Secret of the Sphinx (1964)

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Secret of the Sphinx PosterThousands of years after Man solved the riddle of the Sphinx, one Sphinxy question still remained: what is the secret of the Sphinx? While the riddle turned out to be a rather gimmicky joke about a man aging throughout his life, it should be noted that that particular sphinx was one who lived in ancient Greece, so who really cares, right?

The secret we’re concerned with is the one held by the most famous of all the Sphinxes, the one who lives in Egypt with all those pyramids. Surely, a strange and wondrous creature like the Sphinx who stands guard over the ancient kings of Egypt would have the most awesomest secret ever hidden inside its sandy blowhole! Continue reading “Secret of the Sphinx (1964)” →

The Spiral Staircase (1946)

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Do you remember when Snoopy used to sit on top of his dog house and type a story that started “it was a dark and stormy night?” If that dog ever buckled down and got beyond that first phrase, this would have been the movie based on his story. At least it would have been if his dark and stormy night involved a serial killer who was bumping off women with various physical deformities. Continue reading “The Spiral Staircase (1946)” →

Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

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Godzilla‘s appearance in his twenty-fourth movie is distinguished chiefly by him pretty much standing around biting a big dragonfly.

Toho, having been at this for something like forty years, knows just how to stretch such an obviously lackluster premise into a movie that is well in excess of an hour and forty minutes. How do they do it? With the liberal use of what I call “Godzilla Helper.” Continue reading “Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)” →