After the Condor (1990)

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At the very bottom of the world the chase is on for the greatest treasure ever stolen by the governor of Peking, but whose location may only be known by his possibly gay chauffeur!

And when the Annie Oakley of Argentina is among those vying for the priceless booty still lost in the icy-depths of the glacier-filled lake, you better have your best zigging and zagging mojo working for you when you’re scrambling about on a nearby mountain!

But that isn’t anything compared to the zigging and zagging you’ve got to do in the bedroom since when you’re not in Buenos Aires poking the local real estate agent to get the goods on the old villa that might house clues to the treasure, you’re extending your landing gear into some hussy pilot so that you can use her plane to try and spot the treasure in the lake from the air! Continue reading “After the Condor (1990)” →

The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow (1975)

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In ancient times it never paid to get down too much when misfortune hit you. Sure, it might seem like God is taking a divine dump on you if you’re an orphaned shepherd boy who gets hit by lightning and catches a case of the blindness. But if you were patient and didn’t rage too much at the unfairness of it all, usually God would show back up later with a curative dose of miracle, especially at Christmas, as if to say, “see how freaking awesome Christmas is!” Continue reading “The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow (1975)” →

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (1977)

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If you wonder how a Christmas cartoon about a donkey giving the Virgin Mary a ride to Bethlehem could have ever been shown on network TV, you have to recall what the TV landscape was like in 1977.

Most people only the three networks and PBS, no cable TV and no home video. When a Christmas special came on (if you remember the spinning CBS Special logo and its music, you know what I’m talking about), you were damn glad to be finally getting a break from your parents’ idiotic programs like Carter Country or The Shields and Yarnell Show. Even if it was about some farm animal you never heard of saving a religious Christmas instead of the normal North Pole Christmas, you sat and watched in rapt attention despite having no idea what was up with all the talk about a savior and Roman soldiers! Continue reading “Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (1977)” →

Raggedy Ann and Andy in The Great Santa Claus Caper (1978)

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Raggedy Ann & Andy Santa Clause Caper VHS CoverWho knew Raggedy Ann was such a technophobe? Even before she can hear Alexander Graham Wolf explain what the purpose of his Gloopstik was, she was catching the vapors over the very notion that a large red machine simply existed! It sure made you wonder at Comet’s wisdom in selecting her to be part of the special ops team tasked with degrading and destroying Wolf’s command and control in the North Pole! Continue reading “Raggedy Ann and Andy in The Great Santa Claus Caper (1978)” →

Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde (1971)

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Dr. Jekyll’s research project consumes his every waking hour. He explains to his pal, Professor Robertson, that he is going to come up with something that will cure every disease all at once. Robertson doubts this very much and kindly points out that it will probably take him two years to cure cholera, two more for typhus and so on. Jekyll rapidly does the math and since he is a brilliant doctor, realizes that if it takes him a full two years to cure each and every disease, he could be well into his fifties before he gets through most of the important ones. If only there was some way for him to live forever. (Or at least long enough to finally cure his greasy hair.) Continue reading “Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde (1971)” →

I Come In Peace (1990)

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Houston, we have a problem. A lot of them. There’s the drug dealing scum stealing seized heroin and killing people. There’s drug dealing scum from outer space stealing heroin from the human drug dealing scum and killing people. There’s the slimy FBI guys who don’t want justice, but only want the alien so that his tech can be weaponized. But mostly, Houston has a Dolph Lundgren problem! And that problem is that his superiors keep trying to stop him from kicking the ass of drug pushers, no matter what planet they might be from! Continue reading “I Come In Peace (1990)” →