Has justice ever been this hard? Possibly, but it sure has never used this much ammunition! Or hand grenades! Or stuff exploding! Or had David Bradley giving and receiving kicks to the face like they were some kind of bizarre prison handshake! Continue reading
Is it possible that a self-help book written by a guy who is such douche that he has to resort to stealing from his ex-wife’s IRA account could form the basis for an evil empire 200 years in the future?
And could this also cause all life on Earth to be wiped out and start a civil war that would cost 30 billion lives? And then lead to a battle for the fate of the future that reaches all the way back to the long forgotten primitive past of 1998 Oregon?
Someone is killing the most beautiful fashion models and all the great dart champions in the city are the prime suspects! And only one super rich arrogant prick of a cop can bring down the whole opium operation that has nothing to do with it!
But it’s going to take the combined commando assault talents of Mrs. Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed and former pro wrestler Tiny “Zeus” Lister to help scab American Ninja David Bradley bring things to an appropriately explosive climax!
A climax made possible because of David’s use of an advanced bit of mid-1990s tech called an online dictionary that allowed him to look up the definition of the word “nirvana” which provided a vital and utterly preposterous clue! Continue reading
One brother got himself doublecrossed on a mission in the Caribbean. Left for dead by the DEA after a mission goes horribly wrong, he falls into the hands of the local evil drug lord/cyborg developer and is fashioned into the most cybernetic cop of all time! Robocop? Whatever! That guy was all robo and stuff! Cyborg Cop is what the cool kids like to have their ass kicked by! Continue reading
Having a haunted past allows you to keep a healthy distance from the rest of humanity and thereby reduces your chances of having your precious lifeforce drained by horny broads lusting after your world-weary yet toned bod. A haunted guy also is able to endure pain easier because he knows he deserves it for letting whatever is haunting him to have happened in the first place. Continue reading
American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt was the martial arts movie where Michael Dudikoff finally received all the accolades he deserved! His rugged good looks, his sturdy and unforced use of a couple of different kicks and punches rivaled only by the soothing monotone he delivered his occasional lines of dialogue in, and of course his most awesome ninja skill of all, his epic hair do constantly reminding the audience of the Dude’s vaguely surfer-like kung fu greatness. And it’s to the Dude’s everlasting credit that he accomplishes all this in a movie he never even appears in! Continue reading
There’s the first movie taking place during the initial 45 minutes that has David Bradley assuming center stage kicking tail until he gets captured by the bad guys. The second even better movie (because it doesn’t star David Bradley) finishes things off and is the tale of original American Ninja Dudikoff grudgingly going on a mission to rescue Bradley and the other people Bradley got taken hostage with his less than junior varsity American Ninja skills. Continue reading
Humiliated and marginalized by the real American Ninja Michael Dudikoff in American Ninja 4: The Annihilation, replacement American Ninja David Bradley chases a measure of redemption in this, the final movie in the American Ninja franchise.
That American Ninja V has nothing to do with the franchise is really for the best since Bradley is further embarrassed by being teamed with a mouthy child sidekick named Hiro who lugs his gigantic handheld gaming device, the Stone Age Era Sega Game Gear, all the way to Venezuela to tag along with Bradley on a mission long on gargantuan coincidence, woeful attempts at buddy comedy and short on anything to justify the movie’s intense ninja training-like 100 minute running time. Continue reading
Taking the worst bits of American Ninja (dopey origin story) and the worst bits of American Ninja 3, 4, and V (David Bradley), American Samurai dishonors those spiritual predecessors even more than could be imagined as it improbably adds scenes shot through strange filters such that I thought I was unwittingly tricked into watching an Alejandro Jodorowsky film.
Things thankfully got back on track though before I could commit hari kari as reporter David Bradley flew off to Turkey to bicker with his woman photographer where the expected reference was made to Midnight Express as well as the unexpected reference to David Hasselhoff. Continue reading