A cyborg is programmed to kill the one man who can save all of humanity from total ecological collapse! But while they may have replaced his wimpy meat hands with awesome metal hands (that look exactly like wimpy meat hands), they forgot to replace the one thing that matters most to a man! No, not his dingus! You’d have to ask his girlfriend Linda about that, you perv!
He still has his heart! And that is how he explains why when he delivered his patented death punch to the blind Al Gore-esque eco messiah, he eased up just a bit so that the ruptured spleen the poor bastard suffered didn’t immediately kill him! Uh thanks for having such a big heart, I guess. Continue reading
In life nothing is more pure than the sweet science of effortlessly bad Italian filmmaking! Relentlessly pummeling the viewer with its English-as-a-third-or-fourth-language level dialogue, jabbing with its cast of faded legends, has beens, bimbos, and talentless dudes vaguely recognized from other horrid Roman roundups before finally delivering the knockout blow with a deadly combination of awful songs, punch-drunk plot, and laughably over-the-top action, movies like The Opponent easily fill the undercard of your pointless life. Continue reading
At the very bottom of the world the chase is on for the greatest treasure ever stolen by the governor of Peking, but whose location may only be known by his possibly gay chauffeur!
And when the Annie Oakley of Argentina is among those vying for the priceless booty still lost in the icy-depths of the glacier-filled lake, you better have your best zigging and zagging mojo working for you when you’re scrambling about on a nearby mountain!
But that isn’t anything compared to the zigging and zagging you’ve got to do in the bedroom since when you’re not in Buenos Aires poking the local real estate agent to get the goods on the old villa that might house clues to the treasure, you’re extending your landing gear into some hussy pilot so that you can use her plane to try and spot the treasure in the lake from the air! Continue reading
As he proved in Pierluigi Ciriaci’s Delta Force Commando II: Priority Red One, erstwhile Battlestar Galactica icon Richard Hatch again proves what a dumb ass I was back in the third grade when I always played Starbuck on the playground instead Hatch’s Apollo. Continue reading
Following in the well-talced footsteps of gymnast movie stars Kurt Thomas and Bart Connor, Olympic gold-medalist Mitch Gaylord sticks the landing and scores a perfect 10 as the American Rickshaw in question, Scott Edwards! Continue reading
Director Sergio Martino is an old hand at these types of movies (Italian trash), having been behind 2019: After The Fall Of New York and Mountain Of The Cannibal God as well as forays into the giallo, spaghetti western, and Eurocrime arenas. And having worked extensively with the likes of Daniel Greene in flicks like After the Condor and Beyond Kilimanjaro, Across the River of Blood, if anyone could take a plastic alligator named Kruna and make an entertaining film out of it, it would be Sergio. Continue reading
This is the film that proves that director Sergio Martino (Mountain of the Cannibal God, The Great Alligator) knows his way around a station wagon tunnel chase which isn’t something they’re likely to teach you at UCLA Film School. He also demonstrates a keen eye for talent, hiring on Michael Sopkiw and Valentine Monier as Parsifal and Giara respectively. They would team up the next year for Monster Shark and if you liked seeing them riding around on a really big smelly shark, then you will love them riding around the wasteland in their Country Squire! Continue reading