Battle of the Commandos (1969)

Those of you who’ve seen Umberto Lenzi‘s World War II movie Bridge To Hell and lamented that it was obviously the work of a master who had long since past his time obviously have not seen his Battle Of The Commandos. If you had, you would have lamented that Umberto never had any prime to get past!

Made 17 years before his feeble 1986 attempt, Battle Of The Commandos makes only the slightest of efforts to go through the motions of the “misfits on a suicide mission” flick. For his part, Lenzi makes only the slightest of efforts not to make the viewer nauseous with his abusive use of the zoom lens and whiplash-inducing panning shots. Continue reading “Battle of the Commandos (1969)”

Terror Force Commando (1986)

Ripped from the headlines of 1985 which your local newspaper surely never covered! But that didn’t mean it never happened! Just that no one gave a crap about it! But if you weren’t so wrapped up watching The Goonies and rocking out to “Sussidio” then you might have realized that half a world away, events were transpiring that demanded the armed intervention of none other than Richard Harrison! Of course I’m talking about the Pope’s trip to Cameroon! Continue reading “Terror Force Commando (1986)”

The Glass Sphinx (1967)

While some may laugh at Karl Nichols, the old leathery Texas millionaire moonlighting as an amateur Egyptologist being used by the sexy showgirl Paulette (Anita Ekberg) as part of a scheme to screw him out of the titular gaudy treasure (seriously – the glass sphinx looks like something you’d pass up at a flea market if it was more than a fiver), if I was him, I wouldn’t even know you were laughing at me because I would be too busy having sex with a hot woman half my age! Continue reading “The Glass Sphinx (1967)”

Tarzak Against the Leopard Men (1964)

The title on screen was Tarzak Against the Leopards Men which understandably caused me some concern. I imagined I was going to be subjected to a poor Italian Tarzan rip-off where actors would try not to giggle whenever they were calling the main character Tarzak and talking about those pesky Leopards Men. Of course the biggest question was whether Tarzak would be sharing his treehouse with Janek and Cheetak. Continue reading “Tarzak Against the Leopard Men (1964)”

Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)

When there’s no more ass to kick in Mexico, Zorro will go back to Spain and kick ass there! Or to Lusitania to be exact, where a Grand Duke has died, a Grand Duchess is under duress to abdicate in favor of her power mad brother-in-law and where the brother-in-law’s henchman has eyes for Zorro’s cousin/girlfriend Bianca. And you thought Lusitania was just some boat that got sunk, not Peyton Place! Continue reading “Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)”

Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)

Finally, an Italian swashbuckler that documents the financial hardship endured by lesser nobility in medieval Europe while still delivering to the masses the all-male fetish fights that we secretly watch these movies for.

And if things are generally too talky for most of the film, at least it’s a lot of humorous whiny talk from the stingy Baron about how he can’t really afford to host the duchess or provide enough gun powder to ward off the pirates. You also really don’t mind all that talking whenever our hero Nadir (worst name ever for a hero!) is rocking a costume that looks like his pirate ship docked at the Baron’s castle on the way to a drag queen ball. Continue reading “Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)”

Wild Beasts (1984)

At first glance it seems sensible to be concerned for the children’s safety when the polar bear attacks the ballet school. After all, the lumbering brute is just part of a whole group of animals rampaging across the city after drinking some bad zoo water. Rats are eating cats and people, Cheetahs are racing Volkswagens and folks are getting strangled by elephant trunks! What chance do a bunch of wimpy dance kids have against the most dangerous animal to ever enjoy an ice cold Coke? Continue reading “Wild Beasts (1984)”