Barry Mahon was a prolific filmmaker, oddly vacillating his directing chores between cheap sex movies like Fanny Hill Meets The Red Baron and Run Swinger Run! and cheap kiddie flicks like Jack And The Beanstalk (also on this DVD from Something Weird), and Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny. This two pronged approach Barry took to his career puts us in the unfortunate position of not knowing exactly what his movie The Girl With The Magic Box is about. With The Wonderful Land of Oz though, Barry is clearly aiming at the cut-rate kiddie matinee market, but manages only to hit his poor son Channy Mahon. Continue reading “The Wonderful Land of Oz (1969)”
Author: monsterhunter
Mars Needs Women (1967)
The details are almost too terrifying to report: a $25,000 budget, a two week shooting schedule, Tommy Kirk, and a TV movie. That in a nutshell is what we have with Mars Needs Women, a movie that can’t hide the low budget, low star power, and the low wattage script that it suffers from throughout.
This is another silly Martian invasion movie. You know how those Martians are. They’re always giving our planet the bugged-eyed once over because of its really sweet location in the universe.
In this case, the usual invasion plan has been modified a bit to try and trick teenyboppers into watching the movie. See, Mars has gone into some kind genetic free fall (probably because they kept sending their best and brightest to Earth in past invasion attempts) and the result is that for every 100 male Martians there is only one female Martian. I think you know what happens when you have a planet load of horny Martians: road trip to Earth! Continue reading “Mars Needs Women (1967)”
The Patriot (1998)
There’s an outbreak in the mountains of Montana! An outbreak of Seagal! Steven Seagal plays the tan and puffy Dr. Wesley McClaren, a local doctor who specializes in homeopathic remedies and doesn’t mind trading his services with townspeople who can’t afford his quack treatments for the odd job around the office like fixing his cabinets.
It’s really only a token gesture on Seagal’s part since the old timer who’s going to fix his cabinets will likely be dead of kidney failure since he’s using Seagal’s patented diet and vitamin regimen instead of going to those big city doctors who want to put him on dialysis. Of course nowadays, the old fart could just knock back a six pack of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink and be fixed right up. Continue reading “The Patriot (1998)”
Deathfight (1994)
They killed his favorite prostitute! They framed him for her murder! Sent to prison where he must learn to survive using only the skills that have made him the single best kickboxer in all of southeast Asia, Jack Dammeron’s life is about to get much worse!
His attorney, the very best legal beagle in all of southeast Asia is none other than his wife! Can she put aside her irritation with Jack for screwing hookers on business trips while he’s too self-centered to agree to have children with her to get an acquittal?
But her life is about to get much worse! She turns out to be pregnant! And the only way out of this serpentine mess is through the most dreaded of all competitions! Deathfight! Continue reading “Deathfight (1994)”
A Scream in the Streets (1973)
I realize that many of you are hoping against all hope that I’ll tell you that this is worth your time and money. You have fond memories of Starsky and Hutch, S.W.A.T., The Rookies and all those other old copper shows with big cars, kicking music and guys that spit Miranda Warnings out like they were hairballs and all you want is a sleazy take on that genre. Well, let me you leave without any doubt in one department – this one is plenty sleazy. For a softcore porn movie that is. Ugh. Continue reading “A Scream in the Streets (1973)”
Curse of the Fly (1965)
Truly, the Fly has his final and most horrifying revenge on us in this, the final film in the original trilogy. Just like the other star of the previous two films, the Fly joins Vincent Price on vacation and actually sits the whole movie out!
I try not to expect too much out of some of these movies, but is it really out of line to expect that in a film entitled The Curse Of The Fly, that the Fly be running around groping ingenues and choking lab assistants? Aren’t we owed scenes of some actor valiantly struggling not to tip over due to the top heavy nature of the giant fly-head mask he has to wear?
At the very least, we should get some flashbacks that show the Fly in his prime, complete with that honey-combed point of view shot they used whenever they wanted to show us what the Fly was seeing. But you know what we get? A glossy 8×10! Continue reading “Curse of the Fly (1965)”
Return of the Fly (1959)
Vincent Price returns to a series of films he is famous for being in, but if you actually watch them both (he didn’t appear in the third movie, Curse of the Fly) you’ll notice that he doesn’t do much but faint, talk with a lisp and make pained faces at the fates of his various relatives. Continue reading “Return of the Fly (1959)”