Category Archives: Steven Seagal

Contract to Kill (2016)

“Listen brother, if I get back in, a thousand motherfuckers are going to die.” So begins Steven Seagal‘s involvment in yet another convoluted mission the CIA needs him to handle. It’s all off the books of course though I am never sure how anything a guy with his weird hair, odd fashion sense and distinctive orange tinted prescription eyeglasses does could ever be off the books. And if it all ends up being several hundred dead motherfuckers short of Seagal’s earlier promise, I feel pretty good about taking an IOU from him since Contract to Kill was his seventh film of 2016. Continue reading

Killing Salazar (2016)

killing-salazar-posterWhen Steven Seagal is berating Luke Goss for not being entirely forthcoming with mission details and says “I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man. And I was not born at night. I was born in a bright fucking sunny day, man” he appears to be convinced that what he is saying is making sense, despite his dialogue being a jumble of messed up idioms and forced curse words.

And he is also likewise very convincing when during the only stunts he does himself (walking up some stairs), he has to grab the handrail for support. I was never fearful for big Steve’s health during these scenes though because director Keoni Waxman has worked with him enough times (Absolution, A Good Man, The Keeper) to know to call “cut” immediately after each stair. Continue reading

End of a Gun (2016)

end-of-a-gun-posterSteven Seagal is a ghost. No, I don’t mean the ethereal kind that’s difficult to see. It’s hard to imagine him waddling down the street with his goofy black ensembles and strange glasses with the orange-colored lens he insists on wearing in all his movies now and not be spotted a mile away.

He’s a ghost in the intelligence community sense that he isn’t supposed to exist. He even tells his police department buddy that he’s supposed to be undercover and when his pal wants to know what he’s doing undercover, Steve rightly responds that it wouldn’t be much of an undercover gig if he went and told him.

But he not only intervenes and kills a stripper’s boyfriend when he’s abusing her, but also just sits around at an outdoor Parisian cafe the next day waiting for her and agreeing to her greedy scheme to steal her dead boyfriend’s drug money. It’s really the sort of thing that makes zero sense anywhere except in a Steven Segal movie, where you would be shocked if it didn’t happen. Continue reading

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

perfect-weapon-seagal-posterIt’s a dystopian world where our worst fears have come horribly true! An all seeing state where the government monitors your every move! Where people who dare to question the state are hunted down and ruthlessly killed! Where twenty-four hours a day, government propaganda is beamed into every home and street corner via the state-controlled media! But so what? We already put up with such an overreaching government already! This is a future though that is a million times worse! Where one man controls everything and that one man is Steven Seagal! Nightmarish indeed! Continue reading

The Keeper (2009)

Keeper DVD CoverThroughout human history Man has sought to refine existence to set of easy to remember basic immutable laws. First of course were the Ten Commandments laid down by Charlton Heston that covered such basics as not killing, stealing, or taking away our Second Amendment rights.

Then there were the 8 Simple Rules for Dating Teenage Daughters that comedian/philosopher John Ritter set forth in his weekly televised sermons before promptly dropping dead, no doubt the stress of having a hot daughter just too much, even with his rules being so simple.

But it is no surprise that it took acting giant (literally – check out his chins in this movie!) Steven Seagal to cut all these Byzantine guidelines on living your life down to just the essentials. Continue reading

The Asian Connection (2016)

Asian Connection DVD CoverGan Sirankiri, the Cambodian crime boss portrayed Steven Seagal (you know how an actor is born to play a certain role – this is the opposite of that) is being ripped off and he is pissed!

And how do we know that? It’s not because he is cussing about it all the time. (Seagal must have gotten a bonus for every time he could work some variation of the F word into his dialogue.) It isn’t because he’s literally demanding the head of the thief of a platter. (The traitor sends back his brother’s hand instead. Whoops.) It isn’t even because he lumbers off his compound to personally interview people in his crime empire to determine their trustworthiness. (The guy in charge of the local martial arts gym passed, but Seagal waddled into the ring and beat up all the guys training there just because he could.) Continue reading

Sniper: Special Ops (2016)

Sniper Special Ops DVD CoverWhen you think about, a sniper is a perfect job for Steven Seagal in a movie. He doesn’t seem to like roles that require much movement, yet expects to be able to shoot about forty nameless pukes in every movie. As a sniper, Steve not only doesn’t have to move a lot, but for much of the time he can even lean lazily against sandbags just waiting for the perfect shot! In the opening scenes of Sniper: Special Ops you almost wondered if his spotter was asking him “now?” repeatedly just to make sure the big lug hadn’t just gone and dozed off! Continue reading

Code of Honor (2016)

Code of Honor PosterWith Code of Honor, it’s clear that we’ve entered a new era of interchangeably low rent Steven Seagal action films – the era of sniper bifocals. Recent Seagal films such as A Good Man and Absolution have seen the rotund rageaholic sporting eyeglasses, presumably because they are necessary to ensure the perfect head shot at whatever scumbag from a no name Eastern European he’s feuding with. Of course paired with hair that looks like it was either spray painted on or was a wig from an after Halloween clearance sale and the silly “special forces in Afghanistan” scarf, it just looks like your bloated up grandpa made the ill advised decision that he was going to the paintball range in full costume. Continue reading

Against the Dark (2009)

Against the Dark DVD CoverAs R.E.M. might have sung if they were actually cool, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and Steven Seagal feels fine! And if it was a disappointment that big Steve didn’t take the opportunity to sing such a song for the movie’s soundtrack as he’s done in past efforts (most notably the haunting for all the wrong reasons end credit song for Into the Sun), all of us Seagal-loving doomsday preppers can take solace that Steve’s sword and shotgun feel fine as well. As does his trusty 3XL size leather trench coat! Continue reading

Absolution (2015)

Absolution PosterThe best Steven Seagal film of the last 10 years! I said that to myself giddily as Absolution opened with Steve providing some narration about how he has lost faith in mankind. And how he did some bad things but he wanted to do one good thing before he died. I was pleading with Steve to make that one good thing he was going to do be this movie! And like some gargantuan-sized wish-granting Buddha with a horse hair rug stapled to his head, he freaking did it! Continue reading