Author: monsterhunter

The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill (1966)

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The Notorious Daughter Of Fanny Hill is a film where all hope is lost once the movie begins, any chance for a bawdy good time evaporating as a parade of amateur porn-star wannabes introduce themselves and their characters while minimalist harpsichord music churns repetitively in the background leaving you longing for your favorite porn guitar riffs.

The concept of this film is that Fanny’s daughter Kissy wakes up, gets dressed and then her manservant periodically announces her gentlemen callers.

The first is the Duke of Roxbury. The Duke makes out with her a little bit and then Kissy breaks out the free buffet. Is this a whorehouse or a casino? They spend many long minutes with the Duke chowing down as much food as his spastic colon can hold, all the while Kissy plays footsie with him under the table. Continue reading “The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill (1966)” →

P.O.W. the Escape (1986)

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POWTheEscapePosterEverybody goes home! With these three simple words, David Carradine’s character (Colonel Jim Cooper) ensures that P.O.W. the Escape is one of the great movies of our or any time! Films that dramatize the bravery, honor, respect, and ass kick of our boys who are still over in Nam and the gutsy bastards who go back to bust them out of their tiger cages are the only reason that America tolerates the otherwise disgusting and unpatriotic practices and beliefs of liberal Hollywood

That’s one of the hitches in this whole democracy thing. You’ve got to put up with a certain amount of filth from anti-American longhairs in order to showcase the unwavering courage of the men who make it possible for these hippies to run down Jesus, the Flag, and families. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but that’s why we have to keep saying “love it or leave it!” It might eventually sink in! Continue reading “P.O.W. the Escape (1986)” →

Pocket Ninjas (1997)

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Pocket Ninjas DVD CoverPocket Ninjas is so awful it doesn’t even cut it as a fifth choice for a movie about three young douchebag ninjas after you’ve somehow plowed through all four 3 Ninja films. Without actually subjecting yourself to its seventy or so minute running time, it’s difficult to communicate the depth of its sustained failure.

Several times while enduring another of its endless and pointless training montages, I tried to remember why I even bought it, let alone continued to watch it. Then Gary Daniels would appear for a few minutes the Pocket Ninjas’s sensei and I sadly recalled that I was trying to fill in a gap in my project of watching the entirety of Gary’s filmography. That this project wasn’t suspended following a viewing of his space turd Spoiler will not reflect positively on me if I ever undergo a court ordered psychological evaluation. Continue reading “Pocket Ninjas (1997)” →

Pray for Death (1985)

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This movie taught me about a ninja’s various superpowers. There’s the super strength which allows a ninja to open a locked door just by pushing it real hard. There’s also the super toughness that enables a ninja to withstand having a board of balsa wood smashed across his chest without apparent harm. Then you’ve got a ninja’s super gymnastic moves so that he can do cartwheels and flips during battles instead of just running here and there like us mere mortals are forced to get by with. But perhaps most astounding of all his battle skills is his super precognition!

Sho Kosugi’s wife wants to go live in the United States. Sho (Black Eagle, Revenge Of The Ninja, Rage Of Honor) is secretly a ninja though and says that America is too violent and no good can come of moving from the safety of Japan to the Unites States. Continue reading “Pray for Death (1985)” →

Shadow Warriors (1995)

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ShadowWarriorsCoverIt’s a cybernetic explosion that threatens to tear the city of Kiev apart! If the streets don’t exactly run red with blood, they almost certainly find themselves awash with the grease that’s positively dripping from the stringy mane sported by good cyborg Evan Lurie. His slimy pony tail was last spotted in the Don The Dragon Wilson India-based thriller Operation Cobra and though he doesn’t suffer near the glorious fate he did in that film (bitten on his head by a snake), it’s a much more moving death scene.

After a lengthy pursuit of his evil (I say he’s evil because he’s a Big Russian named Mikail, but he’s actually the most sympathetic character in the movie) cyborg counterpart, Evan finally confronts his and his cybernetic brother’s fate! They exist in a world where there is no place for them! It’s time to die for good! Their resurrected forms are an unholy insult to all that is holy about being alive and stuff like that! Continue reading “Shadow Warriors (1995)” →

U.S. Seals: Dead or Alive (2002)

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US Seals Three DVD CoverThe U.S. Seals trilogy ends the only way it possibly could – with the coming of Stormbringer! In two glorious previous films, the Seals battled an old guy who threatened world security with boring rhetoric (U.S. Seals) and an island of bad guys full of super special gas that prevented the use of bullets and thus necessitated the use of swords, blow guns, and kickfighting (U.S. Seals II). All of that though was a lazy summer day at Pollyanna’s tea party compared to the mission to recover Stormbringer!

Though Stormbringer sounds like the name of Odin’s sword, it was actually something far more deadly, powerful, and scary than some wimpy has-been God’s weapon of vengeance! It was an old Russian bomb with SIX warheads! That means you’re pretty much getting U.S Seals 6 for the price of U.S. Seals 3! Continue reading “U.S. Seals: Dead or Alive (2002)” →

U.S. Seals II (2001)

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US Seals Two DVD CoverIn the grand tradition of The Godfather Part II and Psycho Cop Returns, U.S. Seals II drops in under cover of darkness and totally obliterates its predecessor. And most startlingly of all, it does so without using any guns!

The first U.S. Seals was a stodgily conventional special ops melodrama that failed to bring anything new or patriotic to the elite military unit genre with its routine revenge story and its less-than-jacked middle-aged villain.

Add in all the by-now over-familiar reliance on cheap eastern European locations, extras, and military equipment, and you can forgive a grunt like me who’s done a ton of tours with flicks like this over the years from nodding off during the silly fist fight that concluded that movie. Still, there were two more U.S. Seals films after that, so someone must have seen something in the series, right? Continue reading “U.S. Seals II (2001)” →