“You’re saying Shooman is a KGB agent, out at the front, countering Vietcong attacks! Sounds like science fiction!” Sure does, but you know what else it sounds like? A Bruno Mattei movie! The fact that it was Romano Puppo who spit out this bit of soft-headed, hard-boiled dialogue only confirms it! (Puppo (Escape from the Bronx, 2019: After the Fall of New York) spends most of his scenes chewing out Brent Huff for calling him “Skipper” prompting the classic line, “this isn’t a goddamn yacht club!”) Continue reading “Cop Game (1988)”
Author: monsterhunter
White Cargo (1996)
Someone is killing the most beautiful fashion models and all the great dart champions in the city are the prime suspects! And only one super rich arrogant prick of a cop can bring down the whole opium operation that has nothing to do with it!
But it’s going to take the combined commando assault talents of Mrs. Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed and former pro wrestler Tiny “Zeus” Lister to help scab American Ninja David Bradley bring things to an appropriately explosive climax!
A climax made possible because of David’s use of an advanced bit of mid-1990s tech called an online dictionary that allowed him to look up the definition of the word “nirvana” which provided a vital and utterly preposterous clue! Continue reading “White Cargo (1996)”
Passion’s Flower (1991)
If it wasn’t for the fact that director Joe D’Amato (Blue Angel Cafe, Heroes In Hell) made a bunch of Ator movies, a bunch of Emanuelle movies, a bunch of dirty movies, Endgame, and even something called Porno Holocaust, one might get the idea from Passion’s Flower that Joe didn’t have a clue what he was doing. Continue reading “Passion’s Flower (1991)”
Revolver (1973)
Blue Underground’s DVD of Revolver finally answers that ages-old question of the cinema, “did Oliver Reed really eat light bulbs after trying to out drink Fabio Testi and failing?” Continue reading “Revolver (1973)”
Inferno (1980)
There’s some pretty poor decision making going on in Dario Argento‘s Inferno. The dippy woman who tries to steal the most evil book this side of the Necronomicon? Be glad you only got murdered later on and didn’t get your face shoved in the pot of boiling gunk the dude with the monster claws was using to fix books with. Next time try using your library card! Continue reading “Inferno (1980)”
Grand Slam (1967)
This may come as something as a shock to many of you, but sometimes even the most minutely planned diamond heist can go horribly wrong. Grand Slam follows the formula to the letter right down to the doublecross at the end of things that you pretty much had to see coming, if only as a way to explain one character’s sudden change in behavior during the middle of the movie. The only way the movie could have turned out that would have genuinely surprised me was if the big steal was pulled off without a hitch and everyone got their fair share of the booty. Continue reading “Grand Slam (1967)”
The Clock (1945)
Joe (Robert Walker) is a corporal in the army with a two day pass in New York City. Instead of doing what most of us would do with it, like blow all our money on hookers, Joe decides he’s going to hang out at Penn Station. Continue reading “The Clock (1945)”