If Billy Jack is the best movie of the 1970s, I’m tempted to call The Trial of Billy Jack the worst, but I’ll have to hold off on that until I have the chance to witness the awful sounding Billy Jack Goes To Washington. Continue reading “The Trial of Billy Jack (1974)”
Category: 1970s
Mystery in Dracula’s Castle (1973)
There’s really no mystery here. There isn’t any castle. And while you do get two Draculas, one is an actor in a cheesy horror movie and one is little kid with fake teeth, cape, and dog sidekick named Watson. So why didn’t I care that nothing remotely promised by its sexy title was actually delivered?
What if I told you that instead of a mystery, we had a case of stolen jewels? And if I said that while we couldn’t rent Dracula’s castle for this movie, we got a lighthouse sitting atop a rocky cliff? Continue reading “Mystery in Dracula’s Castle (1973)”
Empire of the Ants (1977)
Things begin ominously enough when the unseen narrator starts droning on about how cool ants are and how they can do all this great stuff like push aphids around and dig up dirt between the cracks of sidewalks. They also have this super sweet gimmick where they spray pheromones on people to make them do their bidding!
Sensing an opportunity to turn this dopey giant bug movie into a learning experience, I hit the world wide web to find out if pheromones could really cause giant ants to take over the world. Continue reading “Empire of the Ants (1977)”
The Corpse Grinders (1971)
If you’re like me, you’ve often stayed awake at night worrying that the pet food you feed your no-good ungrateful cat might be made with ground up people. The Corpse Grinders takes this common fear and makes it into a movie about as good as you could expect when the subject matter is cat food.
As befitting the definitive film about humans turned into cat food, this is the special edition which means if you’re really demented, you can subject yourself to director Ted V. Mikels’ commentary on the filming of the greatest movie ever made about Soylent Green for pets. Continue reading “The Corpse Grinders (1971)”
The Doll Squad (1973)
The Doll Squad is an all-girl squad of secret agents who do battle against some fruit cake intent on spreading bubonic plague via some rats. The villain’s most nefarious scheme though was walking around his swinging bachelor pad hideout with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest while it was drenched in his own flop sweat!
Uh, if you’re about to take over the world, can’t you either get an antiperspirant that works or at least a fresh shirt, you stinky bitch? Talk all you want about bringing the world to its knees, but I can’t stop gagging at your Frisbees, sweathog. Continue reading “The Doll Squad (1973)”
Au Pair Girls (1972)
According to the liner notes, Au Pair Girls was trying to capitalize on a fad that was sweeping across Britain at the time. Supposedly it was the “in” thing to do to have yourself an au pair girl. I guess some genius came up with the idea that since British women were so fugly, they would import chicks from better looking countries (Denmark, Sweden, the South Pacific) to come and do light household chores around the home. Light household chores like the husband. Continue reading “Au Pair Girls (1972)”
Holocaust 2000 (1977)
You know, the Antichrist gets a lot of bad publicity. Everyone seems to get all caught up in his role in the End Times, bemoaning his pure evil while ignoring his good qualities. I speak chiefly of his willingness to fight anyone, anywhere. Here’s the thing – I may not entirely agree with the Antichrist’s politics or the way he handles his business, but the guy is out there taking everyone’s best shot, movie after movie. In the years 1976-1978 alone, he battled Gregory Peck, William Holden, and Kirk Douglas!
Douglas was beginning a phase in his career that fellow film legend Charlton Heston suffered through in the early 1970s. I’m speaking of course about having to headline humiliating genre films.
In retrospect, Chuck probably fared better since Planet Of The Apes has proven to be a classic and there are undoubtedly fans of Soylent Green and even The Omega Man.
Kirk’s three entries in this dubious club? The Italian-made Holocaust 2000, The Fury, and Saturn 3. Ouch! Continue reading “Holocaust 2000 (1977)”