I was too grossed out by these chicks to actually count them, but I’m pretty sure that at no time in this movie from Ted V. Mikels (we’re still trying to forget him from the killer cat food movie, The Corpse Grinders and that other ugly chick movie, The Doll Squad) was there ever a gang of girls that amounted to ten. This girl gang of disaffected miners seemed to hover at about six or seven, but with all the murky night shots that took place early in the film, Teddy might have snuck in a few extras without me noticing. Continue reading “10 Violent Women (1982)”
Category: 1980s
Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)
Why pay a couple of mercenaries $125,000 up front to get a magic tablet when you just send your own man along to betray them and steal the tablet? Especially when you’ve already gone to the trouble of having one of them break the other out of prison? And even more especially since the only unique skill set either of the mercs bring to the job is an ability to shoot stuff which is only exceeded by their talent for swearing?
Couldn’t all the hired thugs you have on staff at your compound have done that? And without the nasty habit of hunting you down for revenge after the double cross? (Please tell me it wasn’t to avoid paying the remaining $125,000 you were to remit upon delivery of the tablet.) Continue reading “Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)”
Psycho Cop (1989)
Movies like Psycho Cop depend on their villains being super cool instruments of death, dismemberment, and destruction! They need to look like a bad ass, they need to demonstrate cunning and power, and while they don’t necessarily need to speak, when they do, they need to be able to deliver those vicious one-liners with convincing bile.
Here, we have a fat guy in a cop suit who moves like his night stick is rammed up his ass, insists on wearing a goofy expression that calls to mind a simpleton whose biggest concern is where his candy bar went, and gives us the lamest and most predictable cop talk imaginable. You don’t even have to see the movie to imagine him stumbling around and babbling about the right to remain silent while killing a guy. And that was his best effort! Continue reading “Psycho Cop (1989)”
The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)
The ancient world was one where Gods walked among mere mortals. Gods who were endowed with powers such as immortality, superior fighting skills, magic swords, and leather outfits any of you kinky bastards would be proud to prance around in. And we’re talking both the girls and guys – the ancient world was not as repressed as us modern types. And these Gods had names that we recognize even today! Names such as Brad Harris! Sybil Danning! And the most incredible of them all, Lou Ferrigno!
Some of you may be nodding your head in recognition as you surely recall Brad, Sybil, and Lou in the Italian sword and sandal classic of 1983, Hercules. Yes, it was a thrilling tale of bad special effects and bears being hurled into outer space, but why rehash that spectacularly sweaty piece of trash again? Continue reading “The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)”
Dial: Help (1988)
If you’re tired of Italian movies about zombies, cannibals, ancient Greeks, and cross-dressing slashers, Dial: Help provides some welcome relief in that it strives to achieve something just a little different. Of course striving to achieve something isn’t exactly the same as actually achieving something since the little twist put on things here is that instead of a fashion model being harassed by a guy in a wimpy beard or demented family member, she is being stalked by her telephone!
Wait! Where are you going? Haven’t you ever had problems with your phone? Don’t you see how you could extrapolate the everyday reliance and natural fear of a telephone into a full blown Italian horror movie? Continue reading “Dial: Help (1988)”
The Great Mouse Detective (1986)
What do you need to know about this, the twenty-sixth animated feature from Walt Disney? Just that while there were at least five books starring Basil, the mouse detective, there has only been just this one single movie based on those books. Not a sequel, not a Saturday morning television series, not an Ice Capades version or Broadway show, not even one of those money-grubbing straight to video knock-offs that pop up like a polyp on a middle-aged guy’s colon.
Disney was no doubt smarting from the fact that The Black Cauldron proved an extremely expensive and stinky stew back in 1985. Surely, this cheaper and more conventional tale of a mouse who has to foil the schemes of a rat to take over England with a robot queen built by an expert toy maker, was a very attractive follow up project to try and get back in the black. Continue reading “The Great Mouse Detective (1986)”
Nightmare Beach (1989)
Who is the deranged maniac that’s killing off all the spring breakers in south Florida? And by “all the spring breakers” I mean one hitchhiker, one biker babe, one call girl, one peeping tom, one all-conference wide receiver, and one spring breaker.
Is it the corrupt and perpetually pissed off police chief with bondage gear and photos of dead girls in his trailer? Is it the mayor who’s trying to keep a lid on the killings so as not to hurt business? Is it the reverend who constantly nags his ugly daughter to go to church and stop drinking Old Milwaukee?
Or maybe it’s the biker leader who got the electric chair for a crime he didn’t commit. Or perhaps it’s the alcoholic doctor who shoots himself while he’s on the phone with the mayor. Okay, it’s probably not him. Continue reading “Nightmare Beach (1989)”