Category: 1980s

Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)

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An observation about Vietnam vets and post traumatic stress disorder needs to be made after watching this odd hybrid of the Italian cannibal and Rambo genres. It probably would be better for your mental well-being if you are having flashbacks about how crappy the war was (specifically that time your friends bit you when you were rescuing them from a tiger cage) if your bedroom wasn’t adorned with photos from the war, including a really nicely framed and matted picture of a bunch of stuff blowing up.

John Saxon, the serious-looking dude from Enter The Dragon, plays Norman, the veteran tormented by the fact that his worthless pal bit him and now all these years later, he is starting to get the urge to take bites out of the young skanky neighbor girl. Continue reading “Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)” →

The Martian Chronicles (1980)

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What was NBC thinking? A three part science fiction miniseries that didn’t feature space battles and evil aliens? That instead focused on Rock Hudson and Bernie Casey debating the philosophical implications of colonizing Mars? And ended up making the case against our exporting our culture everywhere we went? And more shockingly, featured The Night Stalker‘s Darren McGavin in a cowboy outfit and a silly wavy-haired wig?

Nowadays, something like that would be relegated to some place where only loser nerds would see it, like the Sci-Fi Channel and would star someone like David Keith or Brad Johnson, no doubt supported by tons of ugly CGI. But back in 1980, any old lady in Gary, Indiana could have turned on the TV and her their big screen idol Rock asking for advice on how to live his life from a Martian! Continue reading “The Martian Chronicles (1980)” →

Nightmare City (1980)

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A movie which somehow achieves the bizarre status of being ahead of its time and also a slavish copy of more popular contemporaries, Umberto Lenzi’s Nightmare City proves that the Italian exploitation filmmakers of yore were even better at their trade than anyone at the time even realized.

Coming in the wake of George Romero’s Dawn Of The Dead and Lenzi’s fellow Italian legend Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, Nightmare City doesn’t take any pains to hide the debt it owes those two films. Of course, it should be noted that Lenzi himself stated in an interview on the Black Demons DVD that Nightmare City was not a zombie movie at all, but was about contaminated people that ran amok. Continue reading “Nightmare City (1980)” →

Night of the Kickfighters (1988)

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How cool would it be if there was a kickboxing-champ-turned-action-hero that us mere mortals could emulate? What if there was a guy taking on impossible missions to save chicks and the world that wouldn’t be a threat to our fragile masculine egos? Wouldn’t such a fellow be in for a long and successful career with his regular Joe qualities?

No. Not really. In fact, the same things about such a guy that would cause him not to threaten us normal dudes would be exactly the same things that would make us laugh uncomfortably whenever this regular kickboxing guy foolishly attempted to strut his lame stuff.

Do you really think you want to see an out of shape, balding, middle-aged loser huff and puff his way through a series of fight scenes so badly staged that a professional wrestler in his first match would cringe at their amateurishness? Continue reading “Night of the Kickfighters (1988)” →

Avenging Force (1986)

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There are powerful men intent on perverting all the United States holds dear! Powerful men who would stop at nothing to achieve their own deranged agenda! And it’s not just Democrats either! There is also the Pentangle!

If you’re like me, when you weren’t wiping wuss-sweat off of your brow from the sheer terror you felt when you heard about the Pentangle you were also rushing to your dictionary to see exactly what the Pentangle meant.

Thankfully though, you won’t be forced to hit pause and break the action spell that Avenging Force deftly weaves for every single one of its 105 minutes because a character helpfully explains that the Pentangle is a five pointed star. Each point represents one of the five secret leaders of the Pentangle!

And the Avenging Force? That’s one guy. Name of Dudikoff. Ex-Secret Service. Best there ever was. G-6 rating. Quit the Service after his parents were killed by a terrorist bomb. Raising his little sister on his ranch. Just a cowpoke roping calves, driving pick ups, and rocking the biggest assed belt buckles west of the Pecos. Until the Pentangle comes a calling. Continue reading “Avenging Force (1986)” →

Not Another Mistake (1988)

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This time all our boys come home! No, really! Even if they got leprosy! Eww! Ickiest POW rescue mission ever! But that makes it even more personal for Straker (Richard Norton) who goes back to the biggest leper colony of them all, Southeast Asia, to bust out all the guys from his crew that never made it back to the States with him when the Vietnam War ended! Why is it more personal? Um, because they’re all freaking lepers! That’s pretty heinous, even by the usual abominably inhumane standards of Charlie!

A lot of you wuss civilians out there would probably look upon a “no chance in hell, government will deny all responsibility if you’re caught” mission behind enemy lines as a pain in the ass.

I’ll tell you though, when you’re living the life and all you know is the Special Forces and it’s like the war never ended for you and every guy you ever loved as a brother is just a memory, getting one of these gigs that allows you to go back to doing what you know best (killing Commies) is kind of like winning the lottery. Especially for guys like Straker! Continue reading “Not Another Mistake (1988)” →

P.O.W. the Escape (1986)

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POWTheEscapePosterEverybody goes home! With these three simple words, David Carradine’s character (Colonel Jim Cooper) ensures that P.O.W. the Escape is one of the great movies of our or any time! Films that dramatize the bravery, honor, respect, and ass kick of our boys who are still over in Nam and the gutsy bastards who go back to bust them out of their tiger cages are the only reason that America tolerates the otherwise disgusting and unpatriotic practices and beliefs of liberal Hollywood

That’s one of the hitches in this whole democracy thing. You’ve got to put up with a certain amount of filth from anti-American longhairs in order to showcase the unwavering courage of the men who make it possible for these hippies to run down Jesus, the Flag, and families. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but that’s why we have to keep saying “love it or leave it!” It might eventually sink in! Continue reading “P.O.W. the Escape (1986)” →