Throughout human history Man has sought to refine existence to set of easy to remember basic immutable laws. First of course were the Ten Commandments laid down by Charlton Heston that covered such basics as not killing, stealing, or taking away our Second Amendment rights.

Then there were the 8 Simple Rules for Dating Teenage Daughters that comedian/philosopher John Ritter set forth in his weekly televised sermons before promptly dropping dead, no doubt the stress of having a hot daughter just too much, even with his rules being so simple.

But it is no surprise that it took acting giant (literally – check out his chins in this movie!) Steven Seagal to cut all these Byzantine guidelines on living your life down to just the essentials. Continue reading “The Keeper (2009)” →

Gan Sirankiri, the Cambodian crime boss portrayed Steven Seagal (you know how an actor is born to play a certain role – this is the opposite of that) is being ripped off and he is pissed!

And how do we know that? It’s not because he is cussing about it all the time. (Seagal must have gotten a bonus for every time he could work some variation of the F word into his dialogue.) It isn’t because he’s literally demanding the head of the thief of a platter. (The traitor sends back his brother’s hand instead. Whoops.) It isn’t even because he lumbers off his compound to personally interview people in his crime empire to determine their trustworthiness. (The guy in charge of the local martial arts gym passed, but Seagal waddled into the ring and beat up all the guys training there just because he could.) Continue reading “The Asian Connection (2016)” →

With Code of Honor, it’s clear that we’ve entered a new era of interchangeably low rent Steven Seagal action films – the era of sniper bifocals. Recent Seagal films such as A Good Man and Absolution have seen the rotund rageaholic sporting eyeglasses, presumably because they are necessary to ensure the perfect head shot at whatever scumbag from a no name Eastern European he’s feuding with. Of course paired with hair that looks like it was either spray painted on or was a wig from an after Halloween clearance sale and the silly “special forces in Afghanistan” scarf, it just looks like your bloated up grandpa made the ill advised decision that he was going to the paintball range in full costume. Continue reading “Code of Honor (2016)” →