A three part mega-event of the Disneyland television show back in 1963, The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh (better known by its video title of Dr. Syn, Alias The Scarecrow) introduced a generation of impressionable youths to the questionable activities and morals of a bootlegger and his highly organized criminal enterprise. Continue reading “Dr. Syn, Alias the Scarecrow (1963)”
Category: Action
Invasion U.S.A. (1985)
Attention dirtbag terrorists! This invasion will be fought in a pair of tight blue jeans, frequently unbuttoned denim shirt, and with a pair of Uzis that conveniently hang from a shoulder harness at the ready for whenever you animals refuse to answer questions, try to blow up churches, school buses full of innocent kids, and entire shopping malls. Oh yeah, it will also be fought by just one man!
Ah, but you sons of pigs are probably saying in your ugly, thick, Russian accent, “he ees just von man, alone! Vat can he do?”
You want to try to tear this great country apart? Give it your best shot, because it’s 1985 and back then we had a one man Department of Homeland Security named Chuck Norris! Continue reading “Invasion U.S.A. (1985)”
The Doll Squad (1973)
The Doll Squad is an all-girl squad of secret agents who do battle against some fruit cake intent on spreading bubonic plague via some rats. The villain’s most nefarious scheme though was walking around his swinging bachelor pad hideout with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest while it was drenched in his own flop sweat!
Uh, if you’re about to take over the world, can’t you either get an antiperspirant that works or at least a fresh shirt, you stinky bitch? Talk all you want about bringing the world to its knees, but I can’t stop gagging at your Frisbees, sweathog. Continue reading “The Doll Squad (1973)”
10 Violent Women (1982)
I was too grossed out by these chicks to actually count them, but I’m pretty sure that at no time in this movie from Ted V. Mikels (we’re still trying to forget him from the killer cat food movie, The Corpse Grinders and that other ugly chick movie, The Doll Squad) was there ever a gang of girls that amounted to ten. This girl gang of disaffected miners seemed to hover at about six or seven, but with all the murky night shots that took place early in the film, Teddy might have snuck in a few extras without me noticing. Continue reading “10 Violent Women (1982)”
Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)
Why pay a couple of mercenaries $125,000 up front to get a magic tablet when you just send your own man along to betray them and steal the tablet? Especially when you’ve already gone to the trouble of having one of them break the other out of prison? And even more especially since the only unique skill set either of the mercs bring to the job is an ability to shoot stuff which is only exceeded by their talent for swearing?
Couldn’t all the hired thugs you have on staff at your compound have done that? And without the nasty habit of hunting you down for revenge after the double cross? (Please tell me it wasn’t to avoid paying the remaining $125,000 you were to remit upon delivery of the tablet.) Continue reading “Raiders of the Magic Ivory (1988)”
I Am Omega (2007)
When I saw that the last man on Earth had somehow ended up facing an army of the undead in a parking garage armed with only a pair of nunchucks, I wondered just how dimwitted all the other people who didn’t survive must have been. And when the last man on Earth saw a rabbit and giddily began chasing after it, I thought that perhaps this was some sort of scenario where a mutant virus had attacked the human brain destroying all those with I.Q.s over 50.
But when the last man on Earth got drunked up on a six pack of beer, took a whiz on some rocks and shouted, “I’m pissing on you, world!” I began to feel reassured because the one thing I’m looking forward to when the world ends is the ability to relieve myself on the go without worrying about someone whining about me watering his precious rose bushes. Continue reading “I Am Omega (2007)”
The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)
The ancient world was one where Gods walked among mere mortals. Gods who were endowed with powers such as immortality, superior fighting skills, magic swords, and leather outfits any of you kinky bastards would be proud to prance around in. And we’re talking both the girls and guys – the ancient world was not as repressed as us modern types. And these Gods had names that we recognize even today! Names such as Brad Harris! Sybil Danning! And the most incredible of them all, Lou Ferrigno!
Some of you may be nodding your head in recognition as you surely recall Brad, Sybil, and Lou in the Italian sword and sandal classic of 1983, Hercules. Yes, it was a thrilling tale of bad special effects and bears being hurled into outer space, but why rehash that spectacularly sweaty piece of trash again? Continue reading “The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)”