Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

Attention dirtbag terrorists! This invasion will be fought in a pair of tight blue jeans, frequently unbuttoned denim shirt, and with a pair of Uzis that conveniently hang from a shoulder harness at the ready for whenever you animals refuse to answer questions, try to blow up churches, school buses full of innocent kids, and entire shopping malls. Oh yeah, it will also be fought by just one man!

Ah, but you sons of pigs are probably saying in your ugly, thick, Russian accent, “he ees just von man, alone! Vat can he do?”

You want to try to tear this great country apart? Give it your best shot, because it’s 1985 and back then we had a one man Department of Homeland Security named Chuck Norris!

Things begin innocently enough out on the open sea when a bad guy named Rostov and his band of hired killers massacre a boat load of Cuban refugees so that he can score the drugs hidden on the boat.

He uses the drugs to leverage his way into getting a bunch of guns and invasion related gear and it isn’t long before all these World War II era army troop transport ships are landing on an isolated beach where a fleet of innocent looking trucks, vans, and semis await to haul the hundreds of mercenaries across the country so that they can begin sowing the seeds of chaos amongst us.

But where is Chuck during all this? Chuck is back in the Everglades living out the American Dream. He wrestles alligators with his Native American friend, John Eagle, jokes about John Eagle bilking the government by running an airboat business (we also see he has a restaurant later on) while pretending to be retired and collecting social security, and moans about John Eagle inviting him over to eat frogs for dinner again.

Chuck is approached by a government agent who tells him that the Company wants him back for an assignment to take out Rostov and his men. (Surely you guessed that Chuck isn’t just some ordinary alligator farmer? Sometimes when you’re tired of wrestling with your past, the only way to forget is to wrestle with big, mean reptiles.)

Chuck declines initially, but once Rostov and his men blow up his house with some of the infinite number of rocket launchers and bazookas featured in the film, kill John Eagle, and even disturb Chuck’s poor pet armadillo, Chuck suddenly has an opening in his busy schedule to take out Rostov.

It’s obviously a personal mission for Chuck, but it’s even more personal for Rostov! He’s waking up in a cold sweat after having a nightmare about the last time he and Chuck tangled where he ended up kicked in the head!

If you enjoy stuff blowing up, tons of gunfire, car chases, and mouthy woman reporters, most of the movie is pure bliss.

The movie was a bit flexible in its portrayal of just how fast and how far the country has collapsed into chaos.

On the one hand, even though it’s only been a day or so, there’s already food shortages and people are sending their kids off on school buses to some safe place in the country, but on the other hand there’s still guys working road construction, filling potholes and cutting down weeds along the shoulder of the very highway the school bus full of kids is driving on.

There’s little time to ruminate on the dedication of our Department of Transportation employees though because the terrorists have driven up alongside the bus and attached a bomb to it! Not to be outdone, Chuck drives up to the school bus, grabs the bomb and instead of just heaving it into the woods, speeds ahead of traffic and catches up with the terrorists.

He deposits the bomb on the hood of the car, delivers a witty comment like “I think you forgot this” and drives off while the bad guys get blasted to smithereens! Now, that’s how you fight a War on Terror!

Chuck wraps up the war when he tricks all the terrorists into attacking a single building in downtown Atlanta, only to have the U.S. Army surround it with a bunch of tanks and troops once the terrorists are inside looking for Chuck!

Chuck and Rostov finish up with a battle of rocket launchers, the movie ending with Chuck’s biggest catchphrase “time to die” ringing in our ears. And it was only ringing in our ears because his Uzi co-stars had more lines in the movie than he did!

Written off by Commie sympathizers as some right wing paranoid wet dream when it first came out, Invasion U.S.A. now stands out as a cautionary tale about what can happen to a country when its people go as soft as a president after a visit from a portly intern. Watching this movie over and over again while breaking down and cleaning the Second Amendment protected arsenal that stands between my family and the encroaching liberal agenda that is socialized medicine, global warming and soccer, I can only hang my head in shame and think sadly, “why didn’t we heed your call to arms, Chuck?”

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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