The 3 Worlds of Gulliver (1960)

Gulliver is a simple doctor who just wants to help people (and make a lot money, too!), but all his patients pay him in chickens and cabbages. Obviously, he wouldn’t be complaining so much if they were paying him in sexual favors or stock tips or something, but you know what cabbage does to the innards, so this isn’t exactly a job that is going to keep the missus happy.

In fact, his woman, Elizabeth, wants to buy a broken down cottage in the bad part of town, but once Gulliver is there, he manages to bust up the door and she falls down on her face. Gulliver determines that there is no way he’s going to have his old lady live in a rat trap like that, so he does what any self respecting male with a ball and chain would do in that situation. He signs up for a sea voyage of fun and frivolity to the East Indies! Continue reading “The 3 Worlds of Gulliver (1960)”

The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)

Giant birds, crabby cyclops, dragons, skeleton warriors, and a snake woman? Just another day at the office for Sinbad the Sailor. Throw in an evil sorcerer, a mutinous crew, and having to not only rescue his fiancee, but also find some way to un-shrink her and you can understand why this particular Sinbad set about his seventh voyage with very little humor and cheer.

Director Nathan Juran knew that when people were going to a movie about Sinbad and his legendary seventh voyage that they were expecting plenty of scenes of guys chucking spears at stop motion clay figures of various mythological creatures. There was plenty of time for Sinbad to talk and philosophize about the meaning of what it is to be a carefree sailor on his previous six voyages. Actually, I think the movie really picked up at the end of his sixth voyage because we first meet Sinbad and crew while they’re floating around in some ocean or other in search of land. Continue reading “The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)”

Billy Jack (1971)

From self-important start to self-important finish, this movie runs on all cylinders, managing to tackle every single social ill of the early 1970s that people pretended to care about.

Vietnam, women’s rights, Indian rights, environmentalism, alternative education, bigotry, and half-breed Green Berets that try to reconnect with their Indian heritage while practicing a unique mix of pacifism and whoop-ass are all represented.

Sure, you’ll cringe a bit when you hear Billy Jack talking about “checking your ego-trips” and his girlfriend Jane going on about “doing something creative that turns you on,” but most of the time you’ll sit there stunned that this movie about one man trying to come to terms with his past, his ancestors, the world that doesn’t want his kind, and the woman who can’t live without him isn’t recognized as one of the great films of the era. Continue reading “Billy Jack (1971)”

Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)

Jalal Merhi has been called the Lebanese Steven Seagal. Unfortunately, I was unsure whether this was coming from his supporters or detractors.

Though he isn’t the waddling mass of chins and jowels that modern era Steve has transformed into, Jalal certainly has my backing in his claim to be Steve’s Middle East-based successor. After all, Jalal is prone to standing around muttering lines without conviction in between even duller scenes that he’s not part of. That’s vintage Steve right there. In fact, I would say that Jalal is selling himself short in that he is also the Lebanese Jean-Claude Van Damme since I couldn’t understand half of what he was saying due to his accent. Continue reading “Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)”

Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules (1962)

Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules PosterThis movie was kind of like Midnight Run, only, you know, not as good. In this Italian strongman epic, Pericles is charged with bringing in Ulysses because Ulysses offended the gods by poking out the eye of some cyclops that just happened to be the son of Neptune. (Who knew, right?)

Pericles immediately gets to work on his mission and the next thing we know he’s on a Phoenician pirate ship ramming Ulysses’ boat and taking him captive. I won’t lie to you. When I first I got a look at Ulysses, I was kind of put off by his short blonde hair, his old wore out look and his generally skeevy nature. Continue reading “Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules (1962)”

Mars (1997)

This movie came maddeningly close to being a can’t miss entry in the whole “kickboxer busts up corrupt outer space mining colony” genre of films.

Olivier Gruner plays an emotionless mining cop who somehow gets almost emotionally involved in investigating his brother’s death. More importantly, he sports a pretty bad haircut (but not nearly as bad as the one in Savage) and throws his badge down on the ground after he finishes getting all sorts of vengeance on pretty much the entire population of Mars.

The mining company is up on Mars to mine Silex which is some kind of something that’s a really great source of fuel for all us greedy Earthlings. Like all miracle discoveries in science fiction though, Silex turns out to be decidedly un-miraclous. Continue reading “Mars (1997)”

Night of the Kickfighters (1988)

How cool would it be if there was a kickboxing-champ-turned-action-hero that us mere mortals could emulate? What if there was a guy taking on impossible missions to save chicks and the world that wouldn’t be a threat to our fragile masculine egos? Wouldn’t such a fellow be in for a long and successful career with his regular Joe qualities?

No. Not really. In fact, the same things about such a guy that would cause him not to threaten us normal dudes would be exactly the same things that would make us laugh uncomfortably whenever this regular kickboxing guy foolishly attempted to strut his lame stuff.

Do you really think you want to see an out of shape, balding, middle-aged loser huff and puff his way through a series of fight scenes so badly staged that a professional wrestler in his first match would cringe at their amateurishness? Continue reading “Night of the Kickfighters (1988)”