When there’s no more ass to kick in Mexico, Zorro will go back to Spain and kick ass there! Or to Lusitania to be exact, where a Grand Duke has died, a Grand Duchess is under duress to abdicate in favor of her power mad brother-in-law and where the brother-in-law’s henchman has eyes for Zorro’s cousin/girlfriend Bianca. And you thought Lusitania was just some boat that got sunk, not Peyton Place! Continue reading “Zorro in the Court of Spain (1962)”
Category: Adventure
Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)
Finally, an Italian swashbuckler that documents the financial hardship endured by lesser nobility in medieval Europe while still delivering to the masses the all-male fetish fights that we secretly watch these movies for.
And if things are generally too talky for most of the film, at least it’s a lot of humorous whiny talk from the stingy Baron about how he can’t really afford to host the duchess or provide enough gun powder to ward off the pirates. You also really don’t mind all that talking whenever our hero Nadir (worst name ever for a hero!) is rocking a costume that looks like his pirate ship docked at the Baron’s castle on the way to a drag queen ball. Continue reading “Pirate of the Half Moon (1958)”
The Treasure of San Bosco Reef (1968)
Let me disabuse you of the notion straightway that the titular treasure is anything awesome. As near as I could tell, it was mostly a bunch of crusty crap pulled up from the wreckage of an old ship. Various vases and pots that for all any of us know might have just been a bunch of leftover junk no one wanted. Did anyone confirm whether the ship’s manifest indicated it was on a voyage to the local shipyard’s giant yearly garage sale? Still, it was a bunch of baracled bric-a-bac a whole team of thieves were willing to kill for, so maybe it cleaned up real nice. Continue reading “The Treasure of San Bosco Reef (1968)”
The Boy Who Stole the Elephant (1970)
For those hoping that The Boy Who Stole the Elephant is like an Anarchist’s Cookbook for how to make off with circus animals, you will likely be underwhelmed with little British orphan boy Davey’s scheme to spirit away his soulmate, Queenie. He simply walks out of the circus tent with her in the middle of the night! While there is a certain genius in the simplicity of this plan, he didn’t count on one thing – James Bond’s biggest toothache of them all, Jaws! Continue reading “The Boy Who Stole the Elephant (1970)”
Where Time Began (1977)
Intensive research. Months of planning. Designing and testing cutting edge equipment. Recruiting and training an elite team of crew members. This is the bare minimum necessary when undertaking a mission of exploration into the unknown, whether it be into deep space, the bottom of the ocean or even straight into the center of the Earth. Taking a shortcut on even one of those things will almost certainly lead to disaster! Neglecting all of them? Almost certainly will lead to a cheesy period fantasy movie! Continue reading “Where Time Began (1977)”
Dinosaurus! (1960)
As anyone who has watched science documentaries like Frankenstein or Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives knows, you can’t go around leaving your monsters out in the middle of a lightning storm. All it takes is one or two magic bolts of lightning and presto, you’re in the middle of a dinosaur rampage and worrying about your girlfriend getting raped by a caveman!
In its defense, Dinosaurus! attempts to be even-handed in its portrayal of recently reanimated prehistoric life, showcasing the positive side of things as well. Take little native boy Julio for instance. What boy hasn’t always dreamed of playing house with a Neanderthal and teaching him how to eat pie with a fork? Continue reading “Dinosaurus! (1960)”
Seven Golden Men Strike Again (1966)
Seven Golden Men Strike Again (the sequel to Seven Golden Men) is mostly remembered for stealing Green Arrow’s boxing glove arrow gimmick and modifying it to be used with a bazooka. Continue reading “Seven Golden Men Strike Again (1966)”