Category: Cannon Films

Treasure of the Four Crowns (1983)

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Treasure of the Four Crowns PosterDirector Ferdinando Baldi (Duel of the Champions, Warbus) and writer/star Tony Anthony began the 3D revival in the 1980s with the spaghetti western Comin’ At Ya! and they also brought the Italian chapter of it to a close with Treasure of the Four Crowns.

As near as I can tell, those were the only two Italian 3D movies made, which means that they have to be that much more spectacular since all our Italian 3D needs will have to be satisfied by those two films for years to come! Well, you can rest easy because Treasure of the Four Crowns has enough 3D action to fill a movie called Treasure Of The Five Crowns! Continue reading “Treasure of the Four Crowns (1983)” →

The Human Shield (1991)

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I think I must be suffering from Gulf War Syndrome. Chronic fatigue? Yep. Muscle pain? That’s a roger on that, too. Jock itch? I’m typing with one hand, aren’t I? The weird thing though is that I didn’t catch it digging Charlie or whomever out of their grody spider holes. Nope, I picked me up dose of GWS from Michael Dudikoff’s virulently bad film, The Human Shield! Continue reading “The Human Shield (1991)” →

Street Knight (1993)

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Street Knight PosterJeff Speakman was the best super cop L.A. had ever seen. Graduated at the top of his class, special commendations from the mayor, key to the city, employee of the month, etc. But it all changed that fateful day while working a hostage situation where some crudbum psycho is holding a little girl at gunpoint threatening to blow her frigging head off. Jeff tries to talk him down, but some pud cop behind Jeff spooks the guy and he blasts the little girl’s melon clean off right in front of Jeff! Then he shoots Jeff, too! There goes that sweet parking space for being employee of the month! Continue reading “Street Knight (1993)” →

The Perfect Weapon (1991)

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PerfectWeaponPosterThe Perfect Weapon? The Perfect Speakman is more like it! This first film in the Jeff Speakman mythos (Street Knight is next) details his secret origin as Kenpo bad ass supreme and never lets up until Snap’s “I’ve Got The Power” plays as Jeff returns to Master Lo’s Kenpo Dojo to meet up with his lady, Jennifer! Apparently there are TV versions of the movie where Jeff actually interacts with Jennifer instead of staring wistfully at her from across the street earlier on in the story, but the TV versions are clearly for pussies!

With only 85 minutes to play with, this lightning quick kung fu chop to the nads of a movie had to make the choice to detail Jeff’s secret pole vaulting powers or the romance with Jenny. And just how is karate kicking his way into Jenny’s pants going to get him up and over the razor wire fence down at the docks during his quest for vengeance? Exactly. Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (1991)” →

Rage of Honor (1987)

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Was there really a time when Sho Kosugi got his name above the title of a movie the same way an Elizabeth Taylor or a Jean-Claude Van Damme did? After having watched the charisma-impaired Sho grimace his way through this and Revenge Of The Ninja, I can only assume that they let him star in these movies because he brought all his own ninja gear.

It surely wasn’t for his looks which can be best described as continuously dyspeptic. It wasn’t for his ability to communicate in the English language which had me thinking on more than one occasion that perhaps he was suffering from sort of dysphasia and the casting of him was the result of some mid-eighties affirmative action program designed to help martial artists with speech impediments. Continue reading “Rage of Honor (1987)” →

Chain of Command (1994)

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While Chain of Command is truly abominable on every level, it’s really almost Italian-esque in the pleasingly effortless way it manages to get so many of the little things we take for granted in movies so wrong. Like hair.

In looking back on the hair situation in this one, I can only surmise that Michael Dudikoff used his pull as premiere third-rate straight to video action star to make sure his hair was the best in the movie by default.

You had guys with hair slicked back. You had a guy with hair thinning in not one, but two spots on his head. You had a guy wearing a Richard Marx wig. (I had forgotten that pop singer Richard Marx had ever existed until I watched head bad guy Rawlings strut into an oil company and take it over and I said to myself without thinking, “hey, the head bad guy named Rawlings is wearing a Richard Marx wig.”) Continue reading “Chain of Command (1994)” →

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

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Early on in this movie I was thinking that this Sho Kosugi guy wasn’t much of an actor. With a bad haircut and a stupefied look on his face whenever he was required to grunt out admittedly dreadful dialogue, Sho seemed to be about as suited for the silver screen as his tall, beefy, co-star, Arthur Roberts, seemed to be suited for ninja duty.

Quite simply, this movie stinks like a ninja suit after a day of hopping around on the hot rooftops of a Los Angeles that looks suspiciously like a much cheaper to shoot in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City’s rather bungled attempt at portraying L.A. though is really the least laughable thing in this movie, as there were many times throughout that I felt like I was watching an extended skit from SCTV. Continue reading “Revenge of the Ninja (1983)” →