Category: Cannon Films

Cyborg (1989)

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As is the case with most of these post-apocalyptic cheapies from the 1980s that feature guys and gals dressed up like they were trying out for KISS’s “Lick It Up” video, the reason we’ve been transported to this potential future is so we can follow our hero on one of those dopey escort missions.

Once the world ends, escort missions are pretty much the only form of employment a good guy can get. It usually involves our boy having to get some chick (most likely the last hope for some type of vague salvation that isn’t ever really followed up on) to some place for some reason. This requires running a gauntlet of bad guys through various rubble strewn sets, abandoned warehouses, and sewers. Continue reading “Cyborg (1989)” →

Jungle Raiders (1985)

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I like a main character in a movie that needs as much action as I do! Too many times we’re saddled with reluctant heroes and guys who only grudgingly go about the business of serious ass kicking.

Where are the dudes who want to take it right to the dirty scum that’s threatening to take over everything that matters to them? Isn’t there anyone willing to risk everything for the simple pleasure of killing Borneo pirates? Aren’t there any two-fisted guys in red neck kerchiefs and sea captain’s hats that don’t mind invading the island stronghold of the evil Tiger single-handedly while time bombs are going off everywhere around him? Continue reading “Jungle Raiders (1985)” →

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

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Attention dirtbag terrorists! This invasion will be fought in a pair of tight blue jeans, frequently unbuttoned denim shirt, and with a pair of Uzis that conveniently hang from a shoulder harness at the ready for whenever you animals refuse to answer questions, try to blow up churches, school buses full of innocent kids, and entire shopping malls. Oh yeah, it will also be fought by just one man!

Ah, but you sons of pigs are probably saying in your ugly, thick, Russian accent, “he ees just von man, alone! Vat can he do?”

You want to try to tear this great country apart? Give it your best shot, because it’s 1985 and back then we had a one man Department of Homeland Security named Chuck Norris! Continue reading “Invasion U.S.A. (1985)” →

The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)

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SevenMagnificentGladiatorsVHSCoverThe ancient world was one where Gods walked among mere mortals. Gods who were endowed with powers such as immortality, superior fighting skills, magic swords, and leather outfits any of you kinky bastards would be proud to prance around in. And we’re talking both the girls and guys – the ancient world was not as repressed as us modern types. And these Gods had names that we recognize even today! Names such as Brad Harris! Sybil Danning! And the most incredible of them all, Lou Ferrigno!

Some of you may be nodding your head in recognition as you surely recall Brad, Sybil, and Lou in the Italian sword and sandal classic of 1983, Hercules. Yes, it was a thrilling tale of bad special effects and bears being hurled into outer space, but why rehash that spectacularly sweaty piece of trash again? Continue reading “The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)” →

Avenging Force (1986)

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There are powerful men intent on perverting all the United States holds dear! Powerful men who would stop at nothing to achieve their own deranged agenda! And it’s not just Democrats either! There is also the Pentangle!

If you’re like me, when you weren’t wiping wuss-sweat off of your brow from the sheer terror you felt when you heard about the Pentangle you were also rushing to your dictionary to see exactly what the Pentangle meant.

Thankfully though, you won’t be forced to hit pause and break the action spell that Avenging Force deftly weaves for every single one of its 105 minutes because a character helpfully explains that the Pentangle is a five pointed star. Each point represents one of the five secret leaders of the Pentangle!

And the Avenging Force? That’s one guy. Name of Dudikoff. Ex-Secret Service. Best there ever was. G-6 rating. Quit the Service after his parents were killed by a terrorist bomb. Raising his little sister on his ranch. Just a cowpoke roping calves, driving pick ups, and rocking the biggest assed belt buckles west of the Pecos. Until the Pentangle comes a calling. Continue reading “Avenging Force (1986)” →

P.O.W. the Escape (1986)

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POWTheEscapePosterEverybody goes home! With these three simple words, David Carradine’s character (Colonel Jim Cooper) ensures that P.O.W. the Escape is one of the great movies of our or any time! Films that dramatize the bravery, honor, respect, and ass kick of our boys who are still over in Nam and the gutsy bastards who go back to bust them out of their tiger cages are the only reason that America tolerates the otherwise disgusting and unpatriotic practices and beliefs of liberal Hollywood

That’s one of the hitches in this whole democracy thing. You’ve got to put up with a certain amount of filth from anti-American longhairs in order to showcase the unwavering courage of the men who make it possible for these hippies to run down Jesus, the Flag, and families. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but that’s why we have to keep saying “love it or leave it!” It might eventually sink in! Continue reading “P.O.W. the Escape (1986)” →

American Ninja (1985)

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The highlight of American Ninja is a fight between Michael Dudikoff and Steve James that sees the Dude choking Steve out with a garden hose before putting a pail on his head and urging Steve to try to hit him with a stick!

It’s a great scene made even greater because it concludes with Steve gaining a grudging respect for the Dude, what with the Dude being able to beat him down even while doing an impression of erstwhile Guns N’ Roses guitarist Buckethead. But it’s not so great a scene because it also happens to be the best thing about a movie that features the Dude battling endless waves of evil ninjas! Continue reading “American Ninja (1985)” →