Hawaii is the often boring and frequently turgid epic film adapted from James Michener’s novel of the same name. It tells the story of Christian missionary Abner Hale (Max Von Sydow) and his efforts to bring his fire and brimstone brand of Christianity to the “heathens” who are native to Hawaii. Along for the ride, constantly whining, is Julie Andrews. Gene Hackman also appears sporting epic muttonchops. Continue reading “Hawaii (1966)”
Category: Drama
The Program (1993)
Just how awful is The Program? Well, I don’t think I have ever witnessed a larger collection of less likable characters involved in more pointless stupidity while somehow managing to reduce the most exciting activity in the universe (college football) to a tedious list of schools, scores, and poorly filmed “big plays.” (If this movie didn’t invent the helmet-point-of-view shot, then it at least consigned it to the scrap heap of imbecilic movie techniques along side most of William Castle’s lame gimmicks like Emergo and Percepto.) Continue reading “The Program (1993)”
The Big Country (1958)
Gregory Peck is James McKay, which means that I had to suppress a snicker whenever someone started talking about Jim McKay buying that spread of land called the Big Muddy and getting himself involved in a range war, since I kept expecting Jim McKay to start talking about the “thrill of victory” after getting the Big Muddy and bemoaning “the agony of defeat” after the Major (don’t ask) and Burl Ives shoot each other during the big canyon showdown that brings the movie to its close. Continue reading “The Big Country (1958)”
Show Boat (1951)
Even Old Man River himself could be forgiven for wandering off into another room while one of the innumerable ballads that stops the film dead in its tracks gets crooned by one of the movie’s three main characters. Other than Old Man River’s theme song, the tunes featured here are a collection of dirge-like ditties about love that barley even rhyme, let alone ever approach being hummable. To their credit, the songs never manage to be catchy enough to get painfully stuck in your head, but that doesn’t really make the film go any faster. Continue reading “Show Boat (1951)”
Rascal (1969)
Time was, this country was one great big expansive opportunity to do whatever a person wanted to. There weren’t any rules and quotas set up by feminists, liberals, and activist judges because Big Government knew what was best for you. You needed to drive all over the upper Midwest during the summer to sell real estate and leave your kid at home by himself? Knock yourself out, bub! Just make sure you bring a big ass turkey home for Thanksgiving! Continue reading “Rascal (1969)”
D.O.A. (1950)
D.O.A. takes on its subject matter with a stark straightforwardness that literally shows the protagonist as a walking dead man. Frank Bigelow gets poisoned by some slow acting stuff that allows him to run around California for a week before croaking, all in an effort to find out who was behind his impending death. Is there a better metaphor for the futility of life than that? Continue reading “D.O.A. (1950)”
Smoke (1970)
I think Chris (Ron Howard) missed an important life lesson from his experiences with his dog Smoke. What Smoke showed Chris, but Chris was too busy pouting to see, was how you shouldn’t trust anybody and that when you are literally a red-headed step-child like Chris was in this movie, your best friend will ditch you as soon as he has the chance.
Take the best damn dog in the whole wide world, Smoke, for example. He’s all about sucking up to Chris when Chris is saving his pussy canine ass from certain death. They’re inseparable and we’ve got a couple of montages in the movie to prove it!
Chris and that crazy mutt would do anything for each other and stand toe to toe against any enemy, fighting the good fight, no matter the odds! At least until Smoke’s real owner shows up! Continue reading “Smoke (1970)”