Category: Horror

I Am Omega (2007)

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When I saw that the last man on Earth had somehow ended up facing an army of the undead in a parking garage armed with only a pair of nunchucks, I wondered just how dimwitted all the other people who didn’t survive must have been. And when the last man on Earth saw a rabbit and giddily began chasing after it, I thought that perhaps this was some sort of scenario where a mutant virus had attacked the human brain destroying all those with I.Q.s over 50.

But when the last man on Earth got drunked up on a six pack of beer, took a whiz on some rocks and shouted, “I’m pissing on you, world!” I began to feel reassured because the one thing I’m looking forward to when the world ends is the ability to relieve myself on the go without worrying about someone whining about me watering his precious rose bushes. Continue reading “I Am Omega (2007)” →

The Mole People (1956)

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First time director Virgil Vogel mixes up traditional 1950s monsters with one of those lost civilizations populated by rulers and priests in cheap looking robes and stringy kung fu beards from 1930s cliffhangers like Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon and ends up with a painlessly stupid effort highlighted by people getting pulled down through what looks like kitty litter by stuntmen in bump-ridden bug-eyed masks.

Jud (Leave it to Beaver‘s Hugh Beaumont) and Roger (genre vet John Agar of Tarantula among others) are doing some archeology at a site in Asia and discover stone tablets that have all sorts of back story about Sumerians and how they were flooded and had to take an ark to some place not so wet. Continue reading “The Mole People (1956)” →

Dial: Help (1988)

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If you’re tired of Italian movies about zombies, cannibals, ancient Greeks, and cross-dressing slashers, Dial: Help provides some welcome relief in that it strives to achieve something just a little different. Of course striving to achieve something isn’t exactly the same as actually achieving something since the little twist put on things here is that instead of a fashion model being harassed by a guy in a wimpy beard or demented family member, she is being stalked by her telephone!

Wait! Where are you going? Haven’t you ever had problems with your phone? Don’t you see how you could extrapolate the everyday reliance and natural fear of a telephone into a full blown Italian horror movie? Continue reading “Dial: Help (1988)” →

Beyond Darkness (1990)

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If you’ve ever read the real estate section of your local paper, you’ve seen the ads: Great starter home! 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, attached garage, coven of zombie witches, excellent schools, $229,000. Built on the scene of a horrific witch burning centuries ago, this history-infused charmer has been retrofitted with central air and is wired for cable. Though thoroughly modern in its amenities, the gateway to hell located on the second floor still functions! Perfect for families with small children who are not too attached to old-world notions of souls!

It’s every family’s dream home to be sure, but it’s also the sort of home that’s a bit out of reach to most of us, whether it’s the high price tag, not enough bathrooms, or the fact that we’re sort of attached to our souls. Continue reading “Beyond Darkness (1990)” →

Night Killer (1990)

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We’ve all seen movies where the killer is someone close to the heroine that she never suspected. We’re also familiar with the red herrings thrown out to implicate the innocent. And the little kickers at the end of these horror movies that show the villain’s heinous activities aren’t over despite all evidence to the contrary? Well, we’d be shocked if there wasn’t a shock ending!

But Night Killer is going to use all these tired and horribly ineffective conventions as just the jumping off point! How do we know that? Because there is a moment in the movie where a woman says, “my grandma, what a big schlong you have!” Continue reading “Night Killer (1990)” →

Holocaust 2000 (1977)

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You know, the Antichrist gets a lot of bad publicity. Everyone seems to get all caught up in his role in the End Times, bemoaning his pure evil while ignoring his good qualities. I speak chiefly of his willingness to fight anyone, anywhere. Here’s the thing – I may not entirely agree with the Antichrist’s politics or the way he handles his business, but the guy is out there taking everyone’s best shot, movie after movie. In the years 1976-1978 alone, he battled Gregory Peck, William Holden, and Kirk Douglas!

Douglas was beginning a phase in his career that fellow film legend Charlton Heston suffered through in the early 1970s. I’m speaking of course about having to headline humiliating genre films.

In retrospect, Chuck probably fared better since Planet Of The Apes has proven to be a classic and there are undoubtedly fans of Soylent Green and even The Omega Man.

Kirk’s three entries in this dubious club? The Italian-made Holocaust 2000, The Fury, and Saturn 3. Ouch! Continue reading “Holocaust 2000 (1977)” →

Nightmare Beach (1989)

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Who is the deranged maniac that’s killing off all the spring breakers in south Florida? And by “all the spring breakers” I mean one hitchhiker, one biker babe, one call girl, one peeping tom, one all-conference wide receiver, and one spring breaker.

Is it the corrupt and perpetually pissed off police chief with bondage gear and photos of dead girls in his trailer? Is it the mayor who’s trying to keep a lid on the killings so as not to hurt business? Is it the reverend who constantly nags his ugly daughter to go to church and stop drinking Old Milwaukee?

Or maybe it’s the biker leader who got the electric chair for a crime he didn’t commit. Or perhaps it’s the alcoholic doctor who shoots himself while he’s on the phone with the mayor. Okay, it’s probably not him. Continue reading “Nightmare Beach (1989)” →