Cold Harvest (1999)

In a world where a comet has struck the Earth, the sun has been blotted out plunging the survivors into perpetual darkness! And if that wasn’t bad enough, a plague has also wiped out most everyone plunging the survivors into a state of near-barbarism! And if even that wasn’t bad enough, this nightmare world of multiple apocalyptic disasters has suffered the most sphincter-puckering development of all: Gary Daniels as twins! Continue reading “Cold Harvest (1999)”

Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)

Here’s a tip for all you phony though thugs at the local evil dojo: when the gaijin with a dead look in his eye rolls into your little fight club, calmly removes his shoes and walks right up into a group of you demanding information, you better hope your Bronze Plan under the Affordable Care Act covers severe concussions, crushed windpipes, snapped arms, and ruptured spleens because you’re about to get a dose of all of it courtesy of that 21st century American Ninja, Casey Something or Other!

If you’re like me, when you heard that a sequel to Ninja was speeding toward you like one of the villains’ patented triple kicks, you were probably using all your ninja superpowers straining to recall exactly what movie Ninja was. White guy, ninja costume, maybe a sword and a broad involved in some fashion, sort of sucked, but not enough to really make you hate it? And it starred a guy who had dark hair, right? Continue reading “Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)”

Special Forces (2003)

SpecialForcesCoverFreedom is awesome, no doubt about it. Super Bowl, college football, keg parties, new flavors of Doritos constantly appearing on store shelves, hyper-sexualized women, Jesus, and the best gosh dang flag ever! How can you not get a American-sized chubby just thinking about?

But as we all know from the bumper sticker every God-fearing citizen has on their Ford pick up truck, freedom isn’t free! For every real patriot out there loving the Home of the Brave, it seems like there’s a liberal, anti-Christian, or feminist out there just itching to turn this country over to a bunch of atheist socialists who take their marching orders from the United Nations, European Union, and Hezbollah. Continue reading “Special Forces (2003)”

Desert Kickboxer (1992)

I don’t talk about it much because it’s pretty sacred and all, but I’m part Indian. And let me tell you, that part of me loved every minute of Desert Kickboxer! The alternately touching and thrilling story of Indian half-breed Joe Mullethawk grabbed me by the hair, threatening to scalp my very head with its double crosses, flashbacks, fighting, and yes, its loving!

Writer/director Isaac Florentine (U.S. Seals II, Special Forces, Savate, Cold Harvest) knows that no man is more manly than when he’s being haunted by the demons of his kickboxing past! Or when he’s using the tale of his haunted past to bang some pretty squaw who’s on the run from a drug kingpin! Continue reading “Desert Kickboxer (1992)”

U.S. Seals II (2001)

US Seals Two DVD CoverIn the grand tradition of The Godfather Part II and Psycho Cop Returns, U.S. Seals II drops in under cover of darkness and totally obliterates its predecessor. And most startlingly of all, it does so without using any guns!

The first U.S. Seals was a stodgily conventional special ops melodrama that failed to bring anything new or patriotic to the elite military unit genre with its routine revenge story and its less-than-jacked middle-aged villain.

Add in all the by-now over-familiar reliance on cheap eastern European locations, extras, and military equipment, and you can forgive a grunt like me who’s done a ton of tours with flicks like this over the years from nodding off during the silly fist fight that concluded that movie. Still, there were two more U.S. Seals films after that, so someone must have seen something in the series, right? Continue reading “U.S. Seals II (2001)”

Ninja (2009)

As soon as I saw there was an orphaned white ninja and a surly Japanese ninja lusting after the same ninja broad, I knew everyone else in the dojo would get sliced into tater tots!

And as soon as I heard that a super duper ninja sword had the power to not only kill your ass dead, but also to revive your dead ass, I was confident that White Ninja’s lady would surely get killed in the end only to be miraculously resurrected by MegaBlade in the waning moments of the film! Continue reading “Ninja (2009)”