Special Forces (2003)

SpecialForcesCoverFreedom is awesome, no doubt about it. Super Bowl, college football, keg parties, new flavors of Doritos constantly appearing on store shelves, hyper-sexualized women, Jesus, and the best gosh dang flag ever! How can you not get a American-sized chubby just thinking about?

But as we all know from the bumper sticker every God-fearing citizen has on their Ford pick up truck, freedom isn’t free! For every real patriot out there loving the Home of the Brave, it seems like there’s a liberal, anti-Christian, or feminist out there just itching to turn this country over to a bunch of atheist socialists who take their marching orders from the United Nations, European Union, and Hezbollah.

I’m not about to soft pedal things for you, brother. The darkness is closing in. The forces of evil and secular humanism (that’s so vile, I don’t even know what the frig it means!) are even now stretching their putrid tentacles of totalitarianism into our schools, small towns, and governments while we’re out and about being all free and stuff!

If we aren’t vigilant against the encroaching globalism that seeks to turn us into a second-rate, has-been power, we’re all going to wake up one day to find ourselves taking orders from guys with prissy accents and women with short hair who dress like men! Yeah, I just threw up all over inside my mouth, too!

All is not lost though! Uncle Sam has still got a few tricks up his sleeves for big government tax and spend liberals and all those other terrorists!

When some dirtbag Middle Eastern terrorist organization is torturing one of our dogfaces, they go in! When a poor gal from Iowa gets mixed up in uncovering genocide in a former Soviet republic and is taken hostage by an unfriendly government, they show just how unfriendly that we U.S. Americans can be!

SpecialForces1

Their motto is De Oppresso Liber which translates literally from the Latin as “to liberate the oppressed”, but unofficially it mean that you mess with America and you’ll end up red, white, blue, and dead! They’re the Unites States Army Special Forces and they’ll go anywhere and do anything to make sure the world knows there’s still a price to pay for getting in our face!

Part of the Nu Image American Heroes series of films (see also Marines, Submarine, Air Strike, and Air Marshal), Special Forces is the kind of movie you want to watch with your kids after coming home from worshipping at the Christian church of your choice!

Whenever my kid says to me, “daddy, what’s America?” I tell him that it’s guys like Major Don, Jess, Wyatt, Bear, and Reyes sacrificing everything for an ideal. An ideal that involves blowing up enemy compounds, adapting when an LZ gets compromised, and never jeopardizing a mission for personal vengeance!

Following a warm up mission against Hezbollah at the beginning of the film which is a nice jab at those scum since the movie treats them as the strictly minor league villains they are, Major Don and the rest of Special Forces relax at Special Forces headquarters doing the usual stuff that Special Forces does in between bouts of saving freedom and kicking ass.

And that means one thing! Reading Dear John letters! One of the guys is down because his old lady has given up on him (and by extension, America) and he tells Major Don that no one would believe the stuff she wrote!

SpecialForces2

But Major Don and the rest of Special Forces have all been there and are able to recite word for word what she wrote! She knows he’s a good man, but she needs more predictability! She needs a guy isn’t such a bad ass! A guy who doesn’t have to go on secret missions to preserve our way of life! In short, she needs a Democrat!

After a good laugh is shared by Special Forces about how silly broads are that don’t understand the Special Forces way of life, their next mission comes in! (Note: end of character development, thank God!)

Colonel Rafendek in the former Soviet republic of Turdistan has just sent a threatening video of an American girl he captured and demands that his freedom fighters be released in 72 hours or the girl will be executed! The area is extremely hostile and two British SAS guys have already gone missing!

You know what’s awesome about Special Forces guys? Are they worried about risking life and limb to rescue this dizzy dame in an area crawling with genocidal pukes? Nope! Just another day at the office! What concerns them is that Major Don will spend the whole mission tearing up Turdistan trying to get revenge on Rafendek!

That’s right! One mission haunts Major Don to this very day! Eight years ago in Bosnia! Operation Payday! Gone horribly wrong! Total trap! Everyone killed but Major Don!

Rafendek tortured Major Don, even going so far as to impale both his hands with knives! You know who else had to endure that sort of torment? America’s very first Special Forces soldier! Codename: Jesus Christ!

SpecialForces3

Major Don is pretty much a modern day Jesus, staring pure evil right in the face and shooting the piss out of it, all the while saying ma’am to the women he encounters on the mission! And you better believe that Major Don is a big time redeemer in this movie as he redeems the most important person of all, himself!

I don’t think I’m giving anything away by saying that a certain Bosnian psycho ends up tacked up to a wall with knives in his hands as a missile fires right into his grody face! Thy will be done, Major Don! Thy freaking will be done!

Special Forces is pure Special Forces combat from beginning to end! If have any doubt that the enemies of America are legion, the movie erases them! Just like Special Forces erased about 1,000 hostiles!

This movie was so violent, I think 6 or 7 guys got killed even when I paused it to take a leak!

And it’s the sort of violence we love! Lots of shooting, hand to hand combat, necks snapped, guys stabbed, and an impressive amount of kung fu!

The last third of the movie is not just one epic final showdown for all that we hold dear, but two! While Major Don is tearing up a warehouse with Colonel Rafendek, a British SAS guy is unleashing amazing spinning moves and mid-air kicks on Rafendek’s ultra slimy Eurotrash second-in-command!

By the time all the hand-signals, somersaulting out of harm’s way, and guys diving on enemy soldiers while holding a live grenade were finished, and Major Don was in the helicopter staring at a decal of an American flag saying that he knows why does what he does, I was checking my birth certificate to make sure I wasn’t dreaming that I too was an American!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *