Category: Martial Arts

Ninja (2009)

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As soon as I saw there was an orphaned white ninja and a surly Japanese ninja lusting after the same ninja broad, I knew everyone else in the dojo would get sliced into tater tots!

And as soon as I heard that a super duper ninja sword had the power to not only kill your ass dead, but also to revive your dead ass, I was confident that White Ninja’s lady would surely get killed in the end only to be miraculously resurrected by MegaBlade in the waning moments of the film! Continue reading “Ninja (2009)” →

Hologram Man (1995)

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It’s hologram vs. hologram in a battle for all of Los Angeles! Two men digitized to fighting perfection pull out all the stops as they wreak havoc up and down the city, guns blazing, cars exploding, and lightning bolts shooting out of their hands in an effort to take control of L.A. back from the evil corporation that has taken over! Even better though than it being a hologram against hologram situation is that it is also a war between a couple of guys with fine low budget action resumes and girlishly long hair that you just know they spend all kinds of time conditioning! Continue reading “Hologram Man (1995)” →

Mercenary (1996)

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Olivier Gruner faces his toughest mission ever! He must infiltrate the mountain fortress of the most feared terrorist on the planet, the evil Russian known as Phoenix! Phoenix is backed up the meanest assemblage of ex-Eastern European bad asses ever conceived in this dimension! He’s armed with the latest devastating weapons like SAM missiles that make any invasion of his hideout nothing short of pure suicide! And he’s already beat Olivier at his own game years before! But the tough part of Olivier’s mission is that he has take an out of shape and whiny John Ritter along for the ride!

John Ritter? You mean the dead guy who was on Three’s Company? The guy who finished up his career in one of those lame sitcoms playing one of those befuddled dads that always seem to be outwitted by their hot teenage daughter? Continue reading “Mercenary (1996)” →

American Ninja (1985)

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The highlight of American Ninja is a fight between Michael Dudikoff and Steve James that sees the Dude choking Steve out with a garden hose before putting a pail on his head and urging Steve to try to hit him with a stick!

It’s a great scene made even greater because it concludes with Steve gaining a grudging respect for the Dude, what with the Dude being able to beat him down even while doing an impression of erstwhile Guns N’ Roses guitarist Buckethead. But it’s not so great a scene because it also happens to be the best thing about a movie that features the Dude battling endless waves of evil ninjas! Continue reading “American Ninja (1985)” →

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

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If I had a son, I would want him to grow up and be American Ninja 2! And if I had a daughter, I would want her to marry American Ninja 2 and have all of its ninja babies!

The best low budget action movie tag team of the mid to late 1980s, Michael “The Dude” Dudikoff and Steve “Died Way Too Young From Cancer” James are back in this follow up to the annoyingly routine original American Ninja. And they deliver the American Ninja movie that every American can be proud of! Continue reading “American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)” →

American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

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American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt was the martial arts movie where Michael Dudikoff finally received all the accolades he deserved! His rugged good looks, his sturdy and unforced use of a couple of different kicks and punches rivaled only by the soothing monotone he delivered his occasional lines of dialogue in, and of course his most awesome ninja skill of all, his epic hair do constantly reminding the audience of the Dude’s vaguely surfer-like kung fu greatness. And it’s to the Dude’s everlasting credit that he accomplishes all this in a movie he never even appears in! Continue reading “American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)” →

No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

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Mental illness can have a devastating impact on a person’s life. Relationships with family and loved ones are jeopardized. The ability to hold a job can become difficult to near impossible. And in extreme cases it can even lead to self-harm. But there is a bright side to being crazy as a shithouse rat – you may just be crazy enough to train your kung fu skills to an elite level such that an impromptu match against a young Jean-Claude Van Damme leads to you using all your psychotic strength to kick his ass entirely out of the boxing ring! Continue reading “No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)” →