Category: Martial Arts

Pocket Ninjas (1997)

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Pocket Ninjas DVD CoverPocket Ninjas is so awful it doesn’t even cut it as a fifth choice for a movie about three young douchebag ninjas after you’ve somehow plowed through all four 3 Ninja films. Without actually subjecting yourself to its seventy or so minute running time, it’s difficult to communicate the depth of its sustained failure.

Several times while enduring another of its endless and pointless training montages, I tried to remember why I even bought it, let alone continued to watch it. Then Gary Daniels would appear for a few minutes the Pocket Ninjas’s sensei and I sadly recalled that I was trying to fill in a gap in my project of watching the entirety of Gary’s filmography. That this project wasn’t suspended following a viewing of his space turd Spoiler will not reflect positively on me if I ever undergo a court ordered psychological evaluation. Continue reading “Pocket Ninjas (1997)” →

Pray for Death (1985)

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This movie taught me about a ninja’s various superpowers. There’s the super strength which allows a ninja to open a locked door just by pushing it real hard. There’s also the super toughness that enables a ninja to withstand having a board of balsa wood smashed across his chest without apparent harm. Then you’ve got a ninja’s super gymnastic moves so that he can do cartwheels and flips during battles instead of just running here and there like us mere mortals are forced to get by with. But perhaps most astounding of all his battle skills is his super precognition!

Sho Kosugi’s wife wants to go live in the United States. Sho (Black Eagle, Revenge Of The Ninja, Rage Of Honor) is secretly a ninja though and says that America is too violent and no good can come of moving from the safety of Japan to the Unites States. Continue reading “Pray for Death (1985)” →

U.S. Seals II (2001)

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US Seals Two DVD CoverIn the grand tradition of The Godfather Part II and Psycho Cop Returns, U.S. Seals II drops in under cover of darkness and totally obliterates its predecessor. And most startlingly of all, it does so without using any guns!

The first U.S. Seals was a stodgily conventional special ops melodrama that failed to bring anything new or patriotic to the elite military unit genre with its routine revenge story and its less-than-jacked middle-aged villain.

Add in all the by-now over-familiar reliance on cheap eastern European locations, extras, and military equipment, and you can forgive a grunt like me who’s done a ton of tours with flicks like this over the years from nodding off during the silly fist fight that concluded that movie. Still, there were two more U.S. Seals films after that, so someone must have seen something in the series, right? Continue reading “U.S. Seals II (2001)” →

Cyborg Cop (1993)

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This is a tale of two brothers. For them, it was the most action-packed of times, it was the most sweat-drenched of times.

One brother got himself doublecrossed on a mission in the Caribbean. Left for dead by the DEA after a mission goes horribly wrong, he falls into the hands of the local evil drug lord/cyborg developer and is fashioned into the most cybernetic cop of all time! Robocop? Whatever! That guy was all robo and stuff! Cyborg Cop is what the cool kids like to have their ass kicked by! Continue reading “Cyborg Cop (1993)” →

Blood Warriors (1993)

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It is a question all of us Blood Warriors ask ourselves – what makes a better fighter: having a haunted past or thirsting for vengeance?

Having a haunted past allows you to keep a healthy distance from the rest of humanity and thereby reduces your chances of having your precious lifeforce drained by horny broads lusting after your world-weary yet toned bod. A haunted guy also is able to endure pain easier because he knows he deserves it for letting whatever is haunting him to have happened in the first place. Continue reading “Blood Warriors (1993)” →

Beyond Forgiveness (1995)

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Combining the worst of a Thomas Ian Griffith movie (the presence of Thomas Ian Griffith) with the best of a really bad Steven Seagal movie (free trip to Poland), Beyond Forgiveness (or the equally generic Blood Of The Innocent title it is also known by) manages to hit some of the elements of lamer action films (the illegal harvesting of human organs storyline), but also gives you a dose of the helicopter-oriented stunts that immediately save any film from its status as “just another annoying Thomas Ian Griffith movie starring the annoying Thomas Ian Griffith.”

Like another crappy Thomas Ian Griffith (TIG) movie (Excessive Force), Beyond Forgiveness has TIG playing a Chicago cop. But with one important difference. In Excessive Force, he was a bad boy cop who had a really bad girl mane of hair. Beyond Forgiveness though shows that he is maturing as an actor since his hair is really short and going grey! Continue reading “Beyond Forgiveness (1995)” →

Ulterior Motives (1993)

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Ulterior Motives PosterIf you’re still smarting over the memories of Thomas Ian Griffith (TIG) as the faux bad ass cop in Excessive Force or the faux bad ass cop in Crackerjack then you will surely be trying to destroy whatever brain cells you somehow have left in an effort to totally forget that he was a faux bad ass private eye in Ulterior Motives.

If you’re going to be an action star, you really need to be doing one thing really well – action. Sounds simple I know. To the uninitiated it might even sound rather limiting for an actor. You know how these actors are always looking for a challenge and don’t want to be typecast. Continue reading “Ulterior Motives (1993)” →