One can forgive director Robert Clouse if he went into Ironheart thinking that it was going to be anything other than a wormy turd the size of one of star Bolo Yeung’s pecs. Clouse had previously made a kung fu movie starring a guy named Lee which some have called the greatest of all time. The movie was Enter The Dragon and that particular Lee was of course Bruce. This time around Lee’s first name is Britton. As in not-so-great Britton. Continue reading “Ironheart (1992)”
Category: Richard Norton
Deathfight (1994)
They killed his favorite prostitute! They framed him for her murder! Sent to prison where he must learn to survive using only the skills that have made him the single best kickboxer in all of southeast Asia, Jack Dammeron’s life is about to get much worse!
His attorney, the very best legal beagle in all of southeast Asia is none other than his wife! Can she put aside her irritation with Jack for screwing hookers on business trips while he’s too self-centered to agree to have children with her to get an acquittal?
But her life is about to get much worse! She turns out to be pregnant! And the only way out of this serpentine mess is through the most dreaded of all competitions! Deathfight! Continue reading “Deathfight (1994)”
Not Another Mistake (1988)
This time all our boys come home! No, really! Even if they got leprosy! Eww! Ickiest POW rescue mission ever! But that makes it even more personal for Straker (Richard Norton) who goes back to the biggest leper colony of them all, Southeast Asia, to bust out all the guys from his crew that never made it back to the States with him when the Vietnam War ended! Why is it more personal? Um, because they’re all freaking lepers! That’s pretty heinous, even by the usual abominably inhumane standards of Charlie!
A lot of you wuss civilians out there would probably look upon a “no chance in hell, government will deny all responsibility if you’re caught” mission behind enemy lines as a pain in the ass.
I’ll tell you though, when you’re living the life and all you know is the Special Forces and it’s like the war never ended for you and every guy you ever loved as a brother is just a memory, getting one of these gigs that allows you to go back to doing what you know best (killing Commies) is kind of like winning the lottery. Especially for guys like Straker! Continue reading “Not Another Mistake (1988)”
Nautilus (2000)
“He’s young, crazy as a shithouse rat and likes to play with bombs.” Again demonstrating that he’s the best at whatever it is he does, Australian kickboxing movie icon Richard Norton single-handedly tries to save the past, the present, the future, and most importantly of all, the movie from total cataclysmic collapse! Sometimes he does it by kicking punks in the head, sometimes by shooting them, and sometimes by giving us colorful dialogue you just don’t find in nearly enough movies.
Shithouse rats aside, Nautilus is pretty much a floater even by the relative non-standards of the time-traveling submarine movie genre. You can’t help but compare Nautilus unfavorably to the granddaddy of all submarine time machine movies, Beneath the Bermuda Triangle. Continue reading “Nautilus (2000)”
Equalizer 2000 (1987)
When I was watching Equalizer 2000 and reveled in its non-stop shooting, explosions, and guys getting set on fire, I was like “fudge! I think I just died and went to heaven!” And you know what? I was fudging right! Because my heaven is a post-apocalyptic wasteland where dudes in shoulder pads and helmets drive beat up old cars with spikes welded onto the hoods! Because I know my God is a smooth-chested stud dressed in leather who doesn’t say a hell of a lot unless you count his massive gun belching death at evildoers as conversation! Because in heaven, there’s about one chick there and its Corinne Wahl! Continue reading “Equalizer 2000 (1987)”
Future Hunters (1986)
For 20 minutes, Future Hunters is the greatest movie ever made. With its Richard Norton leatherpocalypse scenes of non-stop Mad Max-style cars racing around desolate rock and sand covered terrain and its violent shoot outs complete with exploding vehicles, it was like someone took Equalizer 2000 and Raiders Of The Sun and compressed them into a highly concentrated speedball of sneering and sweating ultra-manly aggression. It probably makes sense that that someone was director Cirio H. Santiago who also teamed up with Richard Norton and Rich’s leather pants to bring us Equalizer 2000 (in the same year no less!) and Raiders Of The Sun! Continue reading “Future Hunters (1986)”