It’s admittedly a tough break for the space archeologists investigating the ruins on an alien world in a cave that the only thing they find is some strange markings on a wall, an exploding batch of evil crystals and an alien running a fertility clinic. With the team’s creepy doctor injecting all the women with birth control drugs, that’s like the last thing they need!
Being the disciplined and well trained group of explorers they are though, once team members start turning up dead, becoming possessed killers, and getting knocked up by horny aliens, their hours of drilling for just such worst case scenarios pays off as they coolly manage each successive crisis, right? Continue reading “Inseminoid (1981)”
If you’ve ever wondered why all those Italian slasher movies feature models getting stalked instead of some other occupation, Blackbelt provides the answer. Don “The Dragon” Wilson‘s movie features a singer being stalked by a crazed fan. Since she is a singer there are scenes of her singing and filming a music video. Spoiler alert! Crazed fan’s total derangement is not caused by repeated exposure to singer belting out one of her rancid pop tunes! Continue reading “Blackbelt (1992)”
A degenerate (and really sweaty!) creep with a mother fixation is stalking and slashing the working girls of the City of Angels! And only one grizzled cop, haunted by his past, but having a soft spot for sexy sex workers can make the streets safe again for six inch heels and tube tops, earning him the everlasting admiration of whores and johns alike!
But can he overcome his demons and the shocking truth of who the sleazy serial killer is or will the hookers on the Strip have to permanently trade in their their bustiers for the special steel threaded top he gives to the hooker he uses as bait to lure the killer out of hiding? All of us horny dudes, except for the geeks at Renaissance fairs who don’t mind their wenches dressed in chain mail armor, are certainly rooting for Detective Jake! Continue reading “Roots of Evil (1992)”
This movie really gave me pause about the wisdom of my daughter’s goal to be a crack house whore when she grows up. There’s of course the beatings and belt whippings that Jim Brown’s Steadman character administers, the hot showers he forces you to take because nobody likes a stinky ass crack house whore, and the gang bang from Steadman’s crew that awaits you once Steadman tires of brutalizing you. All of that though is pretty much what you’re signing up for, right? And besides, you’re getting all the narcotics you can use, so it’s not like you’re doing it for free. Continue reading “Crack House (1989)”
At first glance it seems sensible to be concerned for the children’s safety when the polar bear attacks the ballet school. After all, the lumbering brute is just part of a whole group of animals rampaging across the city after drinking some bad zoo water. Rats are eating cats and people, Cheetahs are racing Volkswagens and folks are getting strangled by elephant trunks! What chance do a bunch of wimpy dance kids have against the most dangerous animal to ever enjoy an ice cold Coke? Continue reading “Wild Beasts (1984)”
The solitary thing that straight-to-video brainfreeze Battle Queen 2020 is able to accomplish in one of the longest 79 minutes you will ever spend is to communicate to the audience that the end of the world will be horrible beyond all imagining. So many post-apocalypse movies glamorize the destruction of civilization with spectacular effects, suspense, plot twists, characters you root for, and all manner of mutants, cannibals, bikers, and regular old monsters. Battle Queen 2020 opts for a much more horrifying combination of primitive special effects, softcore porn, and hardcore boredom. Continue reading “Battle Queen 2020 (2001)”
On the surface, this movie delivers exactly what it promises. There’s a bunch of snakes and they kill people. I don’t imagine that a movie called The Killer Snakes owes me a lot more than that, but did it have to be so horribly scuzzy? Continue reading “The Killer Snakes (1974)”