For reasons that elude me to this very day, wimpy archeologist Indiana Jones enjoys quite a large fanbase. This is a guy who spends most of his movies running from danger, peeing his pants over his snake-o-phobia, and getting tricked by sexy broads all while wearing that silly hat of his.

Throw in that movie where he teamed up with that annoying little Asian kid and that other movie where he teamed up with that annoying old Sean Connery and you’ve got a series of movies no real man should ever be caught dead admitting to watching, let alone liking. But what’s a real hoss like you or me to do when we’re after an old fashioned rip-snorting ass whip archeologist adventure flick? Continue reading “Out for a Kill (2003)” →

At long last, Steven Seagal fans who like guys getting stabbed have a movie to call their own! Attack Force features our Rotund Rambo plunging blades into hopped-up Eurotrash like he actually cared if he saved Paris from having the diabolical drug CTX dumped in its water supply!

Of course, he really doesn’t care all that much; saving Paris is just an unfortunate by-product of getting revenge for the murders of his strike team at the beginning of the film. In fact, since Steve was actually shooting this movie in Romania and nowhere near Paris, he might not have even been aware that Attack Force took place in Paris. Same with his stunt doubles and the guy dubbing his voice about one-third of the time. Continue reading “Attack Force (2006)” →

You know what I like about Steven Seagal? He isn’t afraid to go anywhere in the world to knock the crap out of some scuzz who’s up to no good. He went to Montana to fight an evil militia in The Patriot. He hung out in L.A. to thump some greasy Chechens in Black Dawn. And he even went to Uruguay to thwart a mind control scheme in Submerged. Uruguay? I didn’t even know there was such a place until I saw Seagal hijacking one of their submarines!

Out Of Reach sees Steve jet off to his most exotic locale (and apparently the home country of a lot of the budget) ever! To paraphrase the guy at the airport, “what is your business in Poland, Mr. Seagal? Business or pleasure? Or a sword fight to the death?”

The climatic sword fight though is only one of many memorable moments in a movie that punches all the right Seagal-Straight-to-Video buttons. Puffed up action hero? Check. Lots of people getting shot? Check. Poorly shot tae kwan fu fights? Double check! Seagal playing a former CIA employee (his old Company ID actually identified it as something called the CSA, but you know how tricky those black ops types are)? Mega check! Continue reading “Out of Reach (2004)” →