Jiboa proves something I’ve always long suspected, namely that the Amazon jungle is more heavily populated than the island of Manhattan! If it isn’t a tribe of friendly native Indios walking around topless in their red thongs, it’s the cocaine kingpin living in his compound right down the street who lives just over the mountains from the hidden tribe that zealously guards its secret city of emeralds. Then you’ve got the archeologist Mark Frazier and his crew careening through the reeds while traitorous partners try to kill them periodically. By the time it was all over with, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Mark and his new girlfriend wanted to fly to L.A. so they could just get away from all the hustle and bustle! Continue reading “Jiboa (1989)”
Deadly Outbreak (1995)
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped on the street by total strangers and told “Deadly Outbreak is just Die Hard in a chemical plant.” I suppose they’re just trying to be cute, but I’ve never been one to maintain a polite silence in social situations so I always fire back with both barrels. “Die Hard is just Deadly Outbreak in a skyscraper,” I respond and then bring it all home by adding, “but without Jeff Speakman!” Then I go all Kenpo over their ass just like Jeff would do! Continue reading “Deadly Outbreak (1995)”
The Giant of Metropolis (1961)
The Giant of Metropolis features Gordon Mitchell and if he looks a little rough around the edges, it might be because he began making this movie a mere two days after he wrapped Maciste In The Land Of The Cyclops. But it probably has something more to do with the fact that he was thirty-eight years old!
Is there anything that makes you squirm more than having to see some guy’s dad running around sucking his gigantic chest in and flashing his old man guns at you every five seconds? All of this may explain why there are some scenes where he has to walk around on rocky ground and looks like he’s stumbling and about ready to fall over. Continue reading “The Giant of Metropolis (1961)”
The Wacky Zoo of Morgan City (1970)
You can have Dr. Seuss’s If I Ran the Zoo with its totally made up monsters, exotic lands, and that praise-craving brat Gerald McGrew. If I ran a freaking zoo, I’d do it just like Mitch Collins (Hal Holbrook) did in Wacky Zoo of Morgan City with its run down and surely dangerous and inhumane cages, toothless lion that has low blood pressure and eats oatmeal, camel who can only eat a couple of carrots at a time due to digestive issues, and penguin who demands to swim in warm water. Continue reading “The Wacky Zoo of Morgan City (1970)”
Black Demons (1991)
Umberto Lenzi‘s Black Demons is notable because it’s a zombie movie where even the zombies can’t act. When you think about it, that’s really a hard thing to accomplish. I mean, how hard is it to shamble around with glop dripping off your face while some ugly, no-name starlet is tripping over some imaginary tree stump in the front yard of her isolated Brazilian villa? For the six guys they pulled out of the mission and dressed up in fake eyeballs, it turned out to be nigh impossible. Continue reading “Black Demons (1991)”
Hitcher in the Dark (1989)
Hitcher in the Dark‘s plot may make you think at first glance that this might be properly put along side giallo films such as Spasmo (also from director Umberto Lenzi) what with its tale of a rich pud cruising around the Virginia coast picking up ugly 1980s girls and remaking them to look like his ugly Russian mother. But while the story line may scream “artless Psycho rip-off in an RV,” the credits tell a different story and make a strong case for this being lumped in with such landmarks of Lenzi lameness as Black Demons. Continue reading “Hitcher in the Dark (1989)”
Contamination .7 (1993)
The tree roots are alive! The tree roots are alive! Um, I mean they’re more alive than usual. Instead of just laying around doing nothing more than cracking the occasional sidewalk, the tree roots in the forest just outside of Littleton have turned it up to Defcon 1!
After eating the lovable dog of the town’s resident old coot as well as a hitchhiker who was trying to escape a would-be rapist (that chick was having a bad day!), these underground uglies have developed a taste for small town goobers! Continue reading “Contamination .7 (1993)”