The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005)

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Part of my court-ordered counseling I have to participate in involves me taking ownership of my problems. To that end, I feel compelled to own the fact that my favorite Christmas song is “Winter Wonderland.” There’s just something about getting married by a snowman that speaks to the sentimental fool in me.

And if “Winter Wonderland” is the greatest Christmas song of all time, then “The 12 Days Of Christmas” has to be the worst. In fact, it’s so bad I would even have to rank it below those trailer park Christmas songs like the one where mama was kissing Santa or that other one where grandma was getting run over by a reindeer. White trash sure do have interesting holiday traditions, don’t they? Continue reading “The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005)” →

The Bells of St. Mary’s (1945)

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In this sequel to Going My Way Bing Crosby returns in his role as an out of control, play by his own rules, stick it to the man priest, Father O’Malley. O’Malley is the guy the Church sends in when everyone else has failed! He’s their final option! This time, all our souls are saved!

In this tale, O’Malley is appointed interim commissioner of St. Mary’s, a parochial school where things are way sucky. Bing arrives and the housekeeper informs him that the last priest got carted off in an ambulance or something because the nuns ran roughshod all over his candy ass. Continue reading “The Bells of St. Mary’s (1945)” →

The Invincible Gladiators (1964)

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The ancient world was unquestionably fraught with peril what with rampaging monsters, power-crazed kings, smelly barbarians, and sporadic shortages of bronzer which no doubt caused our humongous heroes no end of trouble and headaches.

Some muscular missions though were tougher than others. For instance, a subterranean kingdom populated by hundreds of leopard men and ruled by an evil sexy queen who enslaved regular guys sure sounds like it has all the makings of a 10.0 magnitude beefquake! And it does! Times two!

It’s understandable if you just juiced your jockstrap because all the stops are pulled out for the 24th of 25 Maciste films produced in the early 1960s! It’s an underground adventure so vast that it will take not one, but two Macistes to handle the deltoid-destroying duties! Continue reading “The Invincible Gladiators (1964)” →

Split Second (1992)

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Split Second PosterThe only Rutger Hauer movie to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize, Split Second serves as a wake up call to a sleepy and apparently really dirty Earth that we must change our ways! Rutger gives all the evidence the once over and shows us that global warming is no myth and the consequences are positively dire!

I know there’s been a lot of talk about climate change from whiny Third World countries and fat has-been liberal politicians who fly on private jets and own three mansions while telling me to use one square of toilet paper to do my business, but where the hell were they back in 1992 when Split Second and Rutger were all over the issue? Continue reading “Split Second (1992)” →

The House by the Cemetery (1981)

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The House by the Cemetery tells the semi-incoherent tale of the Boyle family who doesn’t have the greatest realtor in the world. Norman Boyle is a professor of something or other at a college in New York City. Along with Norman, the Boyles consist of a drug-dependent wife and a little blonde kid with gigantic lips named Bobby who was dubbed by what sounds like a drag queen with very little aptitude for impersonating males.

Norman’s taken the job of finishing the research of a colleague who has committed suicide and killed his mistress. Norman also wants to look into the suicide. Why do people always want to look into that kind of stuff in these movies? Maybe the dead guy was just nuts!

It doesn’t really matter though in this case since Norm’s investigation consists of hanging out at the library and listening to an audio tape. Continue reading “The House by the Cemetery (1981)” →

Ebola Syndrome (1996)

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Anthony Wong stars in this movie that is what Dustin Hoffman’s movie Outbreak should have been: a story about a raping and murdering dude who infects a bunch of people with Ebola by tricking them into eating hamburgers made out of human meat. It really isn’t as funny as it probably sounds which is a bit surprising what with all the rapes, murders, cannibalism, and the on-camera slaughter of frogs and chickens. Continue reading “Ebola Syndrome (1996)” →

Jane Eyre (1943)

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As she did in Rebecca, Joan Fontaine plays an outsider who moves into a fancy house which harbors a dark secret and even more importantly, a rich stud (Orson Welles) who is haunted by that secret!

Jane Eyre (Fontaine) is one of those waifish orphan girls who suffers from a bad attitude while she’s living with her evil aunt and her prissy cousin. It isn’t long though before the aunt tells Jane that she’s going to get to go away to a special school for girls.

Jane is excited because now she’ll get to learn stuff and be at a school where everyone will love her. This place she’s going is called Lowood and just to show her aunt who has all the stroke now that she’s off to this special school, she unleashes a vitriolic speech on the aunt in the front yard just before she tells the coachman to deliver her to her awesome new school! Continue reading “Jane Eyre (1943)” →