Hawaii is the often boring and frequently turgid epic film adapted from James Michener’s novel of the same name. It tells the story of Christian missionary Abner Hale (Max Von Sydow) and his efforts to bring his fire and brimstone brand of Christianity to the “heathens” who are native to Hawaii. Along for the ride, constantly whining, is Julie Andrews. Gene Hackman also appears sporting epic muttonchops. Continue reading “Hawaii (1966)”
Tobor the Great (1954)
My first clue should have been the title. I don’t mean the part about this dude being called Tobor and that it is “robot” spelled backwards. The goofy old fart scientist that invented Tobor tells a bunch of reporters that he named it like that on purpose. I mean the part about this robot being called Tobor the Great. That should have tipped me off that I was dealing with a children’s movie right away. Continue reading “Tobor the Great (1954)”
The New Barbarians (1983)
You can tell by checking out the crotch of the guy running around shooting and/or stabbing people whether your world has slipped into barbarism or not. If he’s just got some jeans on, you’re okay. He’s probably just some disenfranchised loner who hates women or the federal government. But if he’s wearing leather pants or worse, spandex drawers, with a codpiece attached to the outside of them, then you’ve gone and slipped into a world gone mad where the most prized possession is a fertile woman and the only rule is survival! Continue reading “The New Barbarians (1983)”
The Sentinel (1977)
Chris Sarandon in a wimpy little silent movie star mustache, a woman playing with herself as she’s meeting her new neighbor, and a cat in a birthday party hat. Yes, this is clearly a laundry list of absurd randomness, the stuff nightmares are made of, but if you would have spent more time in church on Sunday rather than tailgating, you’d also instantly recognize this as the foul doings of Old Scratch, Satan himself! Continue reading “The Sentinel (1977)”
Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951)
I’m sure all of you remember the very first Invisible Man sequel, The Invisible Man Returns. That movie featured a slightly prissy owner of a mine who is wrongly accused of murdering his brother. The accused has a doctor at the mine shoot him up with some invisible juice so that he can be free to roam around looking for the “real killers.” While he does this, he also has to hurry up and get it done before the drug makes him crazy. I rehash all this because Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man rehashes all this. Continue reading “Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951)”
The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970)
In Dario Argento’s first film, Tony Musante plays Sam, an American writer who is in Rome trying to find inspiration for a new work. Apparently all the inspiration he was able to muster up was a work-for-hire project about birds. He turns in that project and is getting ready to leave the country, when, wouldn’t you know it, he happens to be aimlessly walking the nighttime streets of Rome and sees an attempted murder going on!
To be fair, no one could have missed it because it was taking place in a modern (for 1969) art gallery where the entire storefront of the place is one giant, brightly lit picture window. Continue reading “The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970)”
The Program (1993)
Just how awful is The Program? Well, I don’t think I have ever witnessed a larger collection of less likable characters involved in more pointless stupidity while somehow managing to reduce the most exciting activity in the universe (college football) to a tedious list of schools, scores, and poorly filmed “big plays.” (If this movie didn’t invent the helmet-point-of-view shot, then it at least consigned it to the scrap heap of imbecilic movie techniques along side most of William Castle’s lame gimmicks like Emergo and Percepto.) Continue reading “The Program (1993)”