Fist of the North Star (1995)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

North Star should never fight Southern Cross! It was a mantra repeated throughout this, the most PUBAR (pumped up beyond all recognition) of all post-apocalyptic Gary Daniels (Heatseeker, Pocket Ninjas) flicks.

Beyond the fact that I didn’t have the faintest idea what anyone was talking about though I guess it sort of made sense that a star shouldn’t fight an entire constellation, every time either Gary or his mentor, the surely embarrassed Malcolm McDowell, earnestly uttered this cryptic bit of philosophy, I became more and more convinced that if North Star ever did throw down with Southern Cross that it would be a punch-apocalyptic mess of kicks, grunts, and broken stuff! Continue reading “Fist of the North Star (1995)” →

A Stolen Life (1946)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

Stolen Life PosterYou know you’re in for some rough sailing when it’s the evil twin that goes over the side of the boat leaving the goody-goody twin to assume her identity. Spoiling your “twin tricks Glenn Ford” gimmick by having him get the better twin after already dumping her for her slightly sluttier sister doesn’t make much sense and limits the sort of screeching drama that a movie of this sort demands.

A slow moving film that never amounts to much and frequently languishes on the shoals of extraneous plot points, A Stolen Life seems to be scripted without any concept of what a Bette Davis movie involving dirty tricks and silly plot twists is all about. Continue reading “A Stolen Life (1946)” →

The Expert (1995)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

When was it during The Expert that I realized I was watching the “Most Underrated Jeff Speakman Movie I Only Vaguely Remember Hearing About When It Came Out?” Was it when Speakman took his date to the museum with the giant statute of a woman who represented justice or liberty or whatever and proclaimed that he came for the solitude? Or was it when the warden of a prison proudly announced to the gathered media that he had catered that night’s execution? Surely, it had to be that time when Speakman was run over by a car in an alley behind a bar and then proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the four guys inside of it – all while rocking a kick ass jean jacket! Continue reading “The Expert (1995)” →

Street Knight (1993)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

Street Knight PosterJeff Speakman was the best super cop L.A. had ever seen. Graduated at the top of his class, special commendations from the mayor, key to the city, employee of the month, etc. But it all changed that fateful day while working a hostage situation where some crudbum psycho is holding a little girl at gunpoint threatening to blow her frigging head off. Jeff tries to talk him down, but some pud cop behind Jeff spooks the guy and he blasts the little girl’s melon clean off right in front of Jeff! Then he shoots Jeff, too! There goes that sweet parking space for being employee of the month! Continue reading “Street Knight (1993)” →

The Perfect Weapon (1991)

~ monsterhunter ~ 3 Comments

PerfectWeaponPosterThe Perfect Weapon? The Perfect Speakman is more like it! This first film in the Jeff Speakman mythos (Street Knight is next) details his secret origin as Kenpo bad ass supreme and never lets up until Snap’s “I’ve Got The Power” plays as Jeff returns to Master Lo’s Kenpo Dojo to meet up with his lady, Jennifer! Apparently there are TV versions of the movie where Jeff actually interacts with Jennifer instead of staring wistfully at her from across the street earlier on in the story, but the TV versions are clearly for pussies!

With only 85 minutes to play with, this lightning quick kung fu chop to the nads of a movie had to make the choice to detail Jeff’s secret pole vaulting powers or the romance with Jenny. And just how is karate kicking his way into Jenny’s pants going to get him up and over the razor wire fence down at the docks during his quest for vengeance? Exactly. Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (1991)” →

Beginning of the End (1957)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

Something strange is going on in the town of Ludlow, Illinois. Namely that it’s been eaten by a swarm of big ass grasshoppers!

It takes a while for everyone to catch on to this fact and it’s only after our nosy reporter Audrey teams up with Peter Graves’ Dr. Wainwright does the mystery of what happened to Ludlow begin to be unraveled.

On her way to cover another story, Audrey happens upon the National Guard’s roadblock preventing people from going to where Ludlow used to be. After compromising her journalistic integrity in two seconds flat by agreeing to not report anything until the government says she can so that she can have access to the site, she tours the ruins of Ludlow. Continue reading “Beginning of the End (1957)” →

For the Love of Willadean (1964)

~ monsterhunter ~ Leave a comment

After watching For the Love of Willadean, I’m reasonably confident that even now, decades later, that J.D. Gray is still a virgin.

J.D. was of course the country hick who pined away for the girl next door, Willadean. Though he would no doubt chalk up his inability to even get a whiff of Willadean to the unfair competition provided by the city slicker who just moved into the neighborhood, an impartial observer would surely have no choice, but to lay the blame squarely at J.D.’s watermelon-stained feet. Continue reading “For the Love of Willadean (1964)” →