Dead Space (1991)

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What sort of movie is only 72 minutes long, but still has time for a slow motion love scene dream sequence? The sort of movie where the slow motion love scene dream sequence features the Beastmaster!

When you’ve got the Beastmaster prowling around a deep space research station, you can bet one of two things is going on: either he’s on the hunt for the most deadliest alien in the universe ever accidentally created by a couple of guys with an incubator or he’s on the make!

Thankfully for us fans of scenes of people running through hallways, anxiously watching computer monitors, and trying to avoid clunky moving space monsters, the sexy stuff is strictly the stuff of dreams in this one! Continue reading “Dead Space (1991)” →

Kerim, Son of the Sheik (1962)

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If you love guys riding around the desert on horses with their scimitars in the air, this Italian sword and sandal epic with a Middle Eastern paint job will surely put a minaret in your thwab!

There’s stampedes to maraud and burn an oasis, there’s messengers bringing tragic news from afar, there’s ambushes, counter-ambushes, attacks on a desert palace (as well as a retreat when the dang palace gate gets closed), and most pleasingly of all, riding around for some nice hot dusty vengeance by a pumped up dude decked out in an Arabian ninja costume! Continue reading “Kerim, Son of the Sheik (1962)” →

Freedom Strike (1998)

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If we truly wanted to get this Middle East business settled once and for all, we need to do is what I’ve advised four Presidents to do – initiate the Dudikoff Option. The Dudikoff Option is so simple, it’s beyond bizarre that it hasn’t been thought of outside of several terrible thrifty action movies.

The scenario plays out like this: an evil and appropriately swarthy military leader in some Middle East country comes up with some scheme which threatens to make things even worse over there so the U.S. military deploys the only asset in its arsenal that has the required combination of third tier action hero status, bland to nonexistent personality (so as to not draw attention to himself during daytime invasions of various installations), and martial arts skills that will invariably barely be featured at all during the mission. Continue reading “Freedom Strike (1998)” →

The Great Alligator (1979)

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Director Sergio Martino is an old hand at these types of movies (Italian trash), having been behind 2019: After The Fall Of New York and Mountain Of The Cannibal God as well as forays into the giallo, spaghetti western, and Eurocrime arenas. And having worked extensively with the likes of Daniel Greene in flicks like After the Condor and Beyond Kilimanjaro, Across the River of Blood, if anyone could take a plastic alligator named Kruna and make an entertaining film out of it, it would be Sergio. Continue reading “The Great Alligator (1979)” →

Rage of Honor (1987)

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Was there really a time when Sho Kosugi got his name above the title of a movie the same way an Elizabeth Taylor or a Jean-Claude Van Damme did? After having watched the charisma-impaired Sho grimace his way through this and Revenge Of The Ninja, I can only assume that they let him star in these movies because he brought all his own ninja gear.

It surely wasn’t for his looks which can be best described as continuously dyspeptic. It wasn’t for his ability to communicate in the English language which had me thinking on more than one occasion that perhaps he was suffering from sort of dysphasia and the casting of him was the result of some mid-eighties affirmative action program designed to help martial artists with speech impediments. Continue reading “Rage of Honor (1987)” →

Quicksand (2002)

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Quicksand PosterNew base psychiatrist Bill Turner shows up at his new post just in time to fail to talk a guy out of committing suicide right in front of him. Later that night at the officer’s club, a sleazy blond broad comes on to him, but it turns out she’s the general’s daughter and has been confined to base for stripping in public. Oh, and she’s also going to be his first patient. Yep, it’s going to be one of those kind of tours of duty for a bored-looking Michael “the Dude” Dudikoff.

The audience doesn’t fare much better as it suffers through a parade of alternately laughable, sordid, and just downright disgusting dialogue combined with a criminally insane lack of action from the Dude. When we have to hear the Dude ask his patient/prospective love interest if she had ever had sexual relations with her father, the viewer is likely to need a session on one of the Dude’s fancy leather couches that he brought to the Marine base from his practice in Chicago. Continue reading “Quicksand (2002)” →

Today You Die (2005)

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Today You Die DVD CoverAnymore these days, you’ll hear a lot of fair weather Seagal fans complaining about their supposedly fallen idol. He doesn’t hardly do any of his own fight scenes anymore! He’s too lazy to dub some of his own lines! He’s a big fat pig in a long trench coat! His straight to video movies make one long for the originality and artistry of Jean Claude Van Damme’s straight to video movies! His stringy pony-tail is nasty! Sure, when you decide to be nick picky like that, you’re going to find faults with just about anyone.

I’m not about to waste valuable review space defending the Man against the Seagalaholics who have fallen off the wagon – movies like Today You Die can do it much more effectively. Continue reading “Today You Die (2005)” →