Heck, this spider wasn’t all that! It didn’t even take the entire Earth to fight it like the title promised! They should’ve called this one Egghead Professor & Redneck Sheriff vs. The Spider. Sure, it sounds like another hideous iteration of those Doll Man-Demonic Toys-Puppetmaster team ups, but director Bert I. Gordon (Attack Of The Puppet People, Empire Of The Ants) clearly knows how to make a movie where stuff isn’t the right size! Continue reading “Earth vs. the Spider (1958)”
Attack of the Puppet People (1958)
This is a sturdy entry in that genre of horror film where stuff is either way too big or way too small. In this case, you’ve got a bunch of people shrunk down by a mad doll maker instead of giant puppets running around killing people like the title tricked me into believing I’d be seeing!
As directed by Bert I. Gordon (master of cheap movies about giant and small creatures harassing one another), this film is a bit of psychological thriller about a dude who has gone around the bend since his wife ran away with some other guy. Why would a woman want to leave a guy who makes his living playing with dolls? Didn’t she know she could get all the special edition Barbies at a discount? Continue reading “Attack of the Puppet People (1958)”
Tarantula (1955)
This is the very best of all the giant tarantula movies. Where the pretenders rely on cheap gimmicks, overexposed spiders, and dippy teens, Tarantula treats its subject matter with a serious, adult viewpoint. Which is good since I might have otherwise thought the scheme by the mad doctor to help feed Earth’s exploding population by developing a nutrient that grows things to super size was executed only in a fashion that would benefit a cheesy 1950s horror movie. Continue reading “Tarantula (1955)”
Dr. Syn, Alias the Scarecrow (1963)
A three part mega-event of the Disneyland television show back in 1963, The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh (better known by its video title of Dr. Syn, Alias The Scarecrow) introduced a generation of impressionable youths to the questionable activities and morals of a bootlegger and his highly organized criminal enterprise. Continue reading “Dr. Syn, Alias the Scarecrow (1963)”
Invasion U.S.A. (1985)
Attention dirtbag terrorists! This invasion will be fought in a pair of tight blue jeans, frequently unbuttoned denim shirt, and with a pair of Uzis that conveniently hang from a shoulder harness at the ready for whenever you animals refuse to answer questions, try to blow up churches, school buses full of innocent kids, and entire shopping malls. Oh yeah, it will also be fought by just one man!
Ah, but you sons of pigs are probably saying in your ugly, thick, Russian accent, “he ees just von man, alone! Vat can he do?”
You want to try to tear this great country apart? Give it your best shot, because it’s 1985 and back then we had a one man Department of Homeland Security named Chuck Norris! Continue reading “Invasion U.S.A. (1985)”
The Corpse Grinders (1971)
If you’re like me, you’ve often stayed awake at night worrying that the pet food you feed your no-good ungrateful cat might be made with ground up people. The Corpse Grinders takes this common fear and makes it into a movie about as good as you could expect when the subject matter is cat food.
As befitting the definitive film about humans turned into cat food, this is the special edition which means if you’re really demented, you can subject yourself to director Ted V. Mikels’ commentary on the filming of the greatest movie ever made about Soylent Green for pets. Continue reading “The Corpse Grinders (1971)”
The Doll Squad (1973)
The Doll Squad is an all-girl squad of secret agents who do battle against some fruit cake intent on spreading bubonic plague via some rats. The villain’s most nefarious scheme though was walking around his swinging bachelor pad hideout with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest while it was drenched in his own flop sweat!
Uh, if you’re about to take over the world, can’t you either get an antiperspirant that works or at least a fresh shirt, you stinky bitch? Talk all you want about bringing the world to its knees, but I can’t stop gagging at your Frisbees, sweathog. Continue reading “The Doll Squad (1973)”