The 3 Worlds of Gulliver (1960)

Gulliver is a simple doctor who just wants to help people (and make a lot money, too!), but all his patients pay him in chickens and cabbages. Obviously, he wouldn’t be complaining so much if they were paying him in sexual favors or stock tips or something, but you know what cabbage does to the innards, so this isn’t exactly a job that is going to keep the missus happy.

In fact, his woman, Elizabeth, wants to buy a broken down cottage in the bad part of town, but once Gulliver is there, he manages to bust up the door and she falls down on her face. Gulliver determines that there is no way he’s going to have his old lady live in a rat trap like that, so he does what any self respecting male with a ball and chain would do in that situation. He signs up for a sea voyage of fun and frivolity to the East Indies! Continue reading “The 3 Worlds of Gulliver (1960)”

The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)

Giant birds, crabby cyclops, dragons, skeleton warriors, and a snake woman? Just another day at the office for Sinbad the Sailor. Throw in an evil sorcerer, a mutinous crew, and having to not only rescue his fiancee, but also find some way to un-shrink her and you can understand why this particular Sinbad set about his seventh voyage with very little humor and cheer.

Director Nathan Juran knew that when people were going to a movie about Sinbad and his legendary seventh voyage that they were expecting plenty of scenes of guys chucking spears at stop motion clay figures of various mythological creatures. There was plenty of time for Sinbad to talk and philosophize about the meaning of what it is to be a carefree sailor on his previous six voyages. Actually, I think the movie really picked up at the end of his sixth voyage because we first meet Sinbad and crew while they’re floating around in some ocean or other in search of land. Continue reading “The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)”

Billy Jack (1971)

From self-important start to self-important finish, this movie runs on all cylinders, managing to tackle every single social ill of the early 1970s that people pretended to care about.

Vietnam, women’s rights, Indian rights, environmentalism, alternative education, bigotry, and half-breed Green Berets that try to reconnect with their Indian heritage while practicing a unique mix of pacifism and whoop-ass are all represented.

Sure, you’ll cringe a bit when you hear Billy Jack talking about “checking your ego-trips” and his girlfriend Jane going on about “doing something creative that turns you on,” but most of the time you’ll sit there stunned that this movie about one man trying to come to terms with his past, his ancestors, the world that doesn’t want his kind, and the woman who can’t live without him isn’t recognized as one of the great films of the era. Continue reading “Billy Jack (1971)”

Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)

Jalal Merhi has been called the Lebanese Steven Seagal. Unfortunately, I was unsure whether this was coming from his supporters or detractors.

Though he isn’t the waddling mass of chins and jowels that modern era Steve has transformed into, Jalal certainly has my backing in his claim to be Steve’s Middle East-based successor. After all, Jalal is prone to standing around muttering lines without conviction in between even duller scenes that he’s not part of. That’s vintage Steve right there. In fact, I would say that Jalal is selling himself short in that he is also the Lebanese Jean-Claude Van Damme since I couldn’t understand half of what he was saying due to his accent. Continue reading “Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)”

Klute (1971)

Jane Fonda won an Oscar for her work as the only-in-a-Hollywood-movie hooker who’s smart, good looking and deeply troubled by her lifestyle. This is a hooker that’s so Hollywood, she even visits a therapist on a regular basis!

Her name is Bree Daniels and lately she’s been getting strange phone calls. She also has the feeling that someone is watching her. I’m assuming that it isn’t so much that she’s pissed that someone is getting off messing around with her on the phone or that someone is peeping her, it’s that they’re doing all this without paying her for it!

While Bree is in New York City fuming over all the free samples she’s given away, we need to go to the heartland to meet the other half of our movie, Donald Sutherland. The place is Pennsylvania and Sutherland plays a small town cop named John Klute. He’s buddies with a guy named Tom Gruneman. Tom has gone and disappeared while on a trip to NYC and now his wife and Klute wonder why he hasn’t come back yet. Continue reading “Klute (1971)”

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

In this beloved musical effort set against the backdrop of the 1903 World’s Fair, Judy Garland sings her way through a world where the most pressing problem of the day is the fact that the boy-next-door’s tailor is closed meaning that he can’t get his tuxedo in time for the big graduation dance.

As is to be expected in this kind of film, the lovable grandfather comes through and lends his tuxedo to the young man. I’m not sure what it says about Judy’s date that he would have the same build as a seventy year old man, but this was back in olden times where chicks actually wore corsets instead of letting their beer bellies hang over the fraying elastic waistband of their stretch pants like so many of St. Louis’ women do today. Continue reading “Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)”

Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)

An observation about Vietnam vets and post traumatic stress disorder needs to be made after watching this odd hybrid of the Italian cannibal and Rambo genres. It probably would be better for your mental well-being if you are having flashbacks about how crappy the war was (specifically that time your friends bit you when you were rescuing them from a tiger cage) if your bedroom wasn’t adorned with photos from the war, including a really nicely framed and matted picture of a bunch of stuff blowing up.

John Saxon, the serious-looking dude from Enter The Dragon, plays Norman, the veteran tormented by the fact that his worthless pal bit him and now all these years later, he is starting to get the urge to take bites out of the young skanky neighbor girl. Continue reading “Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)”