Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation (1962)

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Jimmy Stewart stars as the befuddled old coot trying to cope with his crazy family for a month on the Pacific coast. This mostly unfunny comedy mines all the expected areas of the whole “can’t stand my family, but I love them anyway” school of film with results that are generally less than tepid. Jimmy’s character, Roger Hobbs, endures his children’s various problems while coping with the run down house they’re staying at, but manages to solve all their marital, employment, and self esteem issues with remarkable ease by the time he has to pack everyone back up to St. Louis.

Mrs. Hobbs has secured the use of a house out on the west coast and everyone is coming along whether they like it or not. The Hobbs family still has two ungrateful and moody brats living at home with them. There’s the girl who is very self-conscious of her new braces. We’ll call her Metal Mouth. Then there’s the boy who is addicted to TV. We’ll call him America’s Youth. Also joining them once they get out to the coast are two grown daughters and their families. Continue reading “Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation (1962)” →

I Married a Monster from Outer Space (1958)

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How does an alien invasion begin, you ask? At a bachelor party, of course! Our hero (though once he gets taken over by some aliens with a funny looking face, he becomes our villain) is named Bill Farrell and he’s getting married to Marge in the morning, so he and his crew are tearing up the town one last time before he takes his solemn vows and enters a life of involuntary celibacy. (You married guys know what I’m talking about.)

Since this is 1958 and happens in the very small town of Norrisville, a rip snorting good time does not involve going out to a local Indian riverboat casino and gambling away the honeymoon money. Nope, Bill and the rest of Norrisville’s biggest partiers are sitting around a table in a bar, slumped over, greasy hair slightly mussed in that faux-wasted pose these movies are prone to use. Continue reading “I Married a Monster from Outer Space (1958)” →

Moon Pilot (1962)

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Did you know that the United States manned space program began at a diner party when a chimpanzee stabbed an Air Force captain in the ass with a fork? I always had my suspicions, but the important thing to remember about this bizarre event is that it is the last interesting thing that happens in Moon Pilot and it comes about fifteen minutes into what feels like a mission-to-Mars-length 98 minute running time.

This is a relatively early live action film from the Walt Disney Company and it’s notable for how little drama – real, imagined, or even forced, it contains. I’m still not sure how it managed to accomplish this since the movie involved a chimp, a reluctant astronaut (Tom Tryon), a sexy alien chick, and a gruff Brian Keith. Continue reading “Moon Pilot (1962)” →

The Martian Chronicles (1980)

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What was NBC thinking? A three part science fiction miniseries that didn’t feature space battles and evil aliens? That instead focused on Rock Hudson and Bernie Casey debating the philosophical implications of colonizing Mars? And ended up making the case against our exporting our culture everywhere we went? And more shockingly, featured The Night Stalker‘s Darren McGavin in a cowboy outfit and a silly wavy-haired wig?

Nowadays, something like that would be relegated to some place where only loser nerds would see it, like the Sci-Fi Channel and would star someone like David Keith or Brad Johnson, no doubt supported by tons of ugly CGI. But back in 1980, any old lady in Gary, Indiana could have turned on the TV and her their big screen idol Rock asking for advice on how to live his life from a Martian! Continue reading “The Martian Chronicles (1980)” →

The Old Maid (1939)

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Obviously, this movie might be classified as a chick flick since it deals with subject matter that only a woman could enjoy. At least a woman from 1885 that is. I frankly think that most modern women who see this Bette Davis flick would think she was a doormat for no good reason. The guys who see this movie are obviously just trying to suck up to their girlfriends or probably have no use for girlfriends.

This one came out in 1939 so I suppose it was possible that some unwed mother could have had to lie about her baby’s origins for her whole life just so that her baby could have the advantages of being a rich adopted kid instead of a poor bastard. But this movie piled on the drama beyond that and the result was that I never quite figured out the purpose for most of Bette Davis’ actions. Oh I understood it was because she loved her daughter very much and wanted only the best for her, I just never got why that required her to become a dried up, crabby old maid. Continue reading “The Old Maid (1939)” →

Nightmare Castle (1965)

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Dr. Arrowsmith is one of those mad scientists who is always running off to some convention or other, leaving his sexy wife at home with the hunky handyman. I’m pretty sure his wife held out as long as possible before having an affair with this dude (just until after she heard the carriage take off, I’d wager), but a sexy gal has needs that a scientist obsessed with inventing a rejuvenation formula for his girlfriend is too busy to satiate!

Dr. Arrowsmith is halfway to the Mad Scientist Convention when he realizes that he left his paper, “On the Benefits of a Young Virgin’s Blood For Rejuvenating Beauty-Impaired Hags,” in his greenhouse. He gets an eyeful when he runs into his wife and the gardener and he can’t tell where she ends and he begins. Continue reading “Nightmare Castle (1965)” →

Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules (1962)

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Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules PosterThis movie was kind of like Midnight Run, only, you know, not as good. In this Italian strongman epic, Pericles is charged with bringing in Ulysses because Ulysses offended the gods by poking out the eye of some cyclops that just happened to be the son of Neptune. (Who knew, right?)

Pericles immediately gets to work on his mission and the next thing we know he’s on a Phoenician pirate ship ramming Ulysses’ boat and taking him captive. I won’t lie to you. When I first I got a look at Ulysses, I was kind of put off by his short blonde hair, his old wore out look and his generally skeevy nature. Continue reading “Ulysses Against the Son of Hercules (1962)” →