Cyborg Cop (1993)

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This is a tale of two brothers. For them, it was the most action-packed of times, it was the most sweat-drenched of times.

One brother got himself doublecrossed on a mission in the Caribbean. Left for dead by the DEA after a mission goes horribly wrong, he falls into the hands of the local evil drug lord/cyborg developer and is fashioned into the most cybernetic cop of all time! Robocop? Whatever! That guy was all robo and stuff! Cyborg Cop is what the cool kids like to have their ass kicked by! Continue reading “Cyborg Cop (1993)” →

Blood Warriors (1993)

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It is a question all of us Blood Warriors ask ourselves – what makes a better fighter: having a haunted past or thirsting for vengeance?

Having a haunted past allows you to keep a healthy distance from the rest of humanity and thereby reduces your chances of having your precious lifeforce drained by horny broads lusting after your world-weary yet toned bod. A haunted guy also is able to endure pain easier because he knows he deserves it for letting whatever is haunting him to have happened in the first place. Continue reading “Blood Warriors (1993)” →

Beyond Forgiveness (1995)

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Combining the worst of a Thomas Ian Griffith movie (the presence of Thomas Ian Griffith) with the best of a really bad Steven Seagal movie (free trip to Poland), Beyond Forgiveness (or the equally generic Blood Of The Innocent title it is also known by) manages to hit some of the elements of lamer action films (the illegal harvesting of human organs storyline), but also gives you a dose of the helicopter-oriented stunts that immediately save any film from its status as “just another annoying Thomas Ian Griffith movie starring the annoying Thomas Ian Griffith.”

Like another crappy Thomas Ian Griffith (TIG) movie (Excessive Force), Beyond Forgiveness has TIG playing a Chicago cop. But with one important difference. In Excessive Force, he was a bad boy cop who had a really bad girl mane of hair. Beyond Forgiveness though shows that he is maturing as an actor since his hair is really short and going grey! Continue reading “Beyond Forgiveness (1995)” →

The Masked Man Against the Pirates (1964)

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Who was that masked man? Supposedly, he was the scourge of the pirates who were attacking Spanish galleons, stealing their gold, killing their men, and selling their sexy broads into slavery back in the 17th Century.

We know he’s totally feared because the slaver trying to buy some women comments about all the stories of Masked Man and his good guy antics. This, despite all the evidence to this point in The Masked Man Against the Pirates having been completely to the contrary. That is unless you consider a dude whacking a guy in the back of the head with a log and stealing a kiss from a captured princess a one man Spanish Armada. Continue reading “The Masked Man Against the Pirates (1964)” →

Ulterior Motives (1993)

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Ulterior Motives PosterIf you’re still smarting over the memories of Thomas Ian Griffith (TIG) as the faux bad ass cop in Excessive Force or the faux bad ass cop in Crackerjack then you will surely be trying to destroy whatever brain cells you somehow have left in an effort to totally forget that he was a faux bad ass private eye in Ulterior Motives.

If you’re going to be an action star, you really need to be doing one thing really well – action. Sounds simple I know. To the uninitiated it might even sound rather limiting for an actor. You know how these actors are always looking for a challenge and don’t want to be typecast. Continue reading “Ulterior Motives (1993)” →

Where Love Has Gone (1964)

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Where Love Has Gone PosterWar hero Luke Miller’s fifteen year old daughter kills her mother’s boy toy and finds herself and her high society family drawn into a web of blackmail, dark secrets and most embarrassingly of all, the juvenile court system.

Truly, there can be no greater anguish for a father than what his poor precious daughter (whom he hasn’t seen in 10 years due to his boozing ways) is going through. Oh, not the anguish of everything just mentioned. Blackmailers can be bought off, secrets can be self-righteously uncovered at dramatic moments, and the juvenile court of the old days wouldn’t let some murderous teen be tried as an adult. No, the real, soul crushing anguish Luke experiences is when he is told that his daughter’s medical exam revealed she wasn’t a virgin anymore! Continue reading “Where Love Has Gone (1964)” →

Ninja (2009)

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As soon as I saw there was an orphaned white ninja and a surly Japanese ninja lusting after the same ninja broad, I knew everyone else in the dojo would get sliced into tater tots!

And as soon as I heard that a super duper ninja sword had the power to not only kill your ass dead, but also to revive your dead ass, I was confident that White Ninja’s lady would surely get killed in the end only to be miraculously resurrected by MegaBlade in the waning moments of the film! Continue reading “Ninja (2009)” →