The Black Archer (1959)

Who was that masked man? Well, it sure as hell wasn’t the Black Archer! Because apparently that dude doesn’t even exist! At no time in Piero Pierotti’s The Black Archer did a costumed vigilante who swiped William Tell’s gimmick ever make an appearance!

Not to worry though because Pierotti didn’t go on to direct such memorably forgotten Italian adventure films as Giant of the Evil Island by hosing its audience out of what was promised in the title despite that there wasn’t any giant in Giant of the Evil Island. So it is that instead of The Black Archer, we get… The Avenging Arrow! Continue reading “The Black Archer (1959)”

The Magnificent Gladiator (1964)

The magnificence of the titular gladiator of this film can be boiled down to his most muscular feature. No, not his pleasingly polished pecs, which of course stand out amongst all the wimpy Romans. And not even his Pompeii Pompadour which surely defeated several Roman legions with its impressive height. That which made this particular Hercules worthy of the name was his shredded smile!

It is understandable that in many of these sword and sandal epics from the 1960s that our bronzed babe of beef would probably be lacking in the smiles department. Invariably, the home village was burned, family and/or wife killed or kidnapped, lots of straining to lift, tear up and throw assorted ancient world items, and even some good old fashioned torture really don’t provide much of a “turn that frown upside down” opportunity. Continue reading “The Magnificent Gladiator (1964)”

Sandokan Against the Leopard of Sarawak (1964)

Sandokan needs no introduction. The 18th Century pirate was the subject of a number of novels, several films (including a series of four in 1963-64), a TV miniseries, and even two different animated series!

With his faithful (and decidedly white) sidekick Yanez, the Tiger of Malaya as Sandy was known, has proven, like Robin Hood, Tarzan, and Starbuck from the original Battlestar Galactica to be one of the great enduring characters beloved the world over. At least that’s what the Internet tells me. I’ve never heard of the guy. I thought he was Yanez’s sidekick! Continue reading “Sandokan Against the Leopard of Sarawak (1964)”

Charge of the Black Lancers (1962)

It’s the Polish versus the Tartars! Obviously, I had no idea who to root for before the movie started. The Polish are best known for their delicious sausage, but the Tartars have that secret sauce that makes fish tolerable!

A toss up in the culinary department to be sure, so I would have wait and actually watch the movie, though that wasn’t much help since the good guy was a simpering blonde Polish dude played by Mel Ferrer named Andre while the barbarians (specifically identified as the Kyrgyz) are ruled by an evil queen who somehow is so unpleasant she makes Andre’s scuzzy traitor brother Sergei seem not so bad. Continue reading “Charge of the Black Lancers (1962)”

Robin Hood and the Pirates (1960)

Robin Hood and the Pirates Poster ResizeWhat could possibly be better than Robin Hood battling some filthy, scurvy-ridden pirates? Teaming up with some filthy, scurvy-ridden pirates to fight the evil douche who killed his dad and stole the Earldom of Sherwood!

And while no one can deny that trading Little John for a eye-patch wearing pirate called One Eye who actually has two good eyes is a monster upgrade, the movie would have been merely been solidly entertaining if it had stuck solely to its “pirates standing in for the Merry Men” angle.

But it in a stroke of either genius or complete tastelessness, this Italian version of Robin Hood (with German film legend and former Tarzan Lex Barker) adds a bit of sauce to the mix by giving us Sweet Pea, a sassy full-figured black woman, prone to singing spirituals and alternately beating on One Eye and declaring her love for him! Continue reading “Robin Hood and the Pirates (1960)”

Sword in the Shadows (1961)

Sword in the Shadow Poster ResizeI didn’t need any of the gypsy queen’s gift of prophecy to know that when her clan swiped a bunch of horses that belonged to the evil della Rocca family that there would be a level of hell to pay that not even the evil eye of the bosomy she-tiger gypsy hussy who may or may not be a traitor could counter!

That these della Rocca roaches were also the same family that cold-bloodedly wiped out the ruling Altavila family fifteen years before and that the dude who actually did the horse thieving was Fabrizio, the only surviving member of the Altavilla family, but who doesn’t know his true identity, only served to amp up the tension at the castle were so many people suffered from unrequited love when they weren’t out relieving that tension by burning down gypsy encampments!

I guess I was supposed to be sympathetic to the gypsies and Fabrizio. After all, they weren’t out murdering families, including little kids, but they did stupidly stir up a hornet’s nest when they went and stole those horses. Continue reading “Sword in the Shadows (1961)”

The Sender (1998)

Sender DVD CoverSend it back please! Way back! All the way back to the darkest parts of the known universe! Or at least to co-stars Dyan Cannon or Robert Vaughn’s mansions!

The Sender is idiotic on an interstellar level and is so awful it doesn’t know when to end insisting instead to aimlessly ramble on for ten minutes after Area 51 has been blown to smithereens! You would think that director Richard Pepin would be itching to bail out since the movie’s story only putrefied more and more as it went along, but there he is giving us scenes of poorly realized aliens waving and endless reunion and goodbye moments like he was getting paid a bonus for surpassing the 90 minute mark! Continue reading “The Sender (1998)”