Common sense would dictate that a certain hick town nearbouts Razorback Holler wouldn’t have all that much crime happening. The last time some city folk came by and killed a local boy, old Pumpkinhead showed up and slaughtered the lot of them. Then his boy appeared to kill not only a bunch of townspeople but also another pack of moronic teens. People should be no more inclined to commit some wrong there than they would in a similarly strict place like Singapore. Except that instead of getting caned for throwing your gum on the sidewalk, you’d have your head crushed by demonic claws! Continue reading “Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes (2006)”
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings is the sort of film that when you see famous presidential half-brother Roger Clinton in the opening credits, you cringe at the thought of how his gratuitous presence is going to ruin what would otherwise be a serviceable sequel to a decent horror movie, but by the time of the closing credits, you are thinking that at least the two pointless scenes with Roger Clinton as the mayor with an entourage were goofy enough that you actually remembered them, unlike the rest of what is the ultimate in generic straight-to-video 1990s horror trash. Continue reading “Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)”
Pumpkinhead (1988)
When will you city folk ever learn? When you done and gone killed Ed Harley’s little boy in a drunken dirt bike accident, you left Pa Harley no choice but to seek out the old witch who lives up on the mountain so that she might conjure up hisself a demon to right this terrible wrong y’all did.
And if you think this is just a regular run of the mill demon summoned from some lame ritual involving satanic douche bags in bathrobes uttering a bunch of Latin mumbo jumbo, well that’s just one more thing you city slickers are ignorant of!
For you see, poor country folks like Ed Harley, who runs the dilapidated food stand by the highway, doesn’t have two pots to piss in so a lot of this demon business is a do it yourself affair. The mountain witch tells Ed that if he’s serious about this supernatural revenge, there’s a price to pay! And the down payment is nothing less than having to dig up the demon’s corpse and bring it back to her! Continue reading “Pumpkinhead (1988)”
Killing Salazar (2016)
When Steven Seagal is berating Luke Goss for not being entirely forthcoming with mission details and says “I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man. And I was not born at night. I was born in a bright fucking sunny day, man” he appears to be convinced that what he is saying is making sense, despite his dialogue being a jumble of messed up idioms and forced curse words.
And he is also likewise very convincing when during the only stunts he does himself (walking up some stairs), he has to grab the handrail for support. I was never fearful for big Steve’s health during these scenes though because director Keoni Waxman has worked with him enough times (Absolution, A Good Man, The Keeper) to know to call “cut” immediately after each stair. Continue reading “Killing Salazar (2016)”
End of a Gun (2016)
Steven Seagal is a ghost. No, I don’t mean the ethereal kind that’s difficult to see. It’s hard to imagine him waddling down the street with his goofy black ensembles and strange glasses with the orange-colored lens he insists on wearing in all his movies now and not be spotted a mile away.
He’s a ghost in the intelligence community sense that he isn’t supposed to exist. He even tells his police department buddy that he’s supposed to be undercover and when his pal wants to know what he’s doing undercover, Steve rightly responds that it wouldn’t be much of an undercover gig if he went and told him.
But he not only intervenes and kills a stripper’s boyfriend when he’s abusing her, but also just sits around at an outdoor Parisian cafe the next day waiting for her and agreeing to her greedy scheme to steal her dead boyfriend’s drug money. It’s really the sort of thing that makes zero sense anywhere except in a Steven Segal movie, where you would be shocked if it didn’t happen. Continue reading “End of a Gun (2016)”
The Perfect Weapon (2016)
It’s a dystopian world where our worst fears have come horribly true! An all seeing state where the government monitors your every move! Where people who dare to question the state are hunted down and ruthlessly killed! Where twenty-four hours a day, government propaganda is beamed into every home and street corner via the state-controlled media! But so what? We already put up with such an overreaching government already! This is a future though that is a million times worse! Where one man controls everything and that one man is Steven Seagal! Nightmarish indeed! Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (2016)”
Murders in the Rue Morgue (1971)
Vincent Price may have appeared in virtually all the American International-Edgar Allan Poe movies known to man (except for that contractual snafu that allowed Ray Milland to sneak onto the set of The Premature Burial and steal his spot in that one), but even Price couldn’t be hornswoggled into starring in this stiff about some killings afflicting a troupe of actors in France (filmed entirely on location in Spain which is apparently a lot cheaper than France).
Jason Robards was drafted to replace Price and the way that Mr. Robards conducts himself for the duration of this exercise in slasher tedium, “drafted” would appear to be an apt description of his enthusiasm in playing the director of the acting company besieged by a vengeful Herbert Lom. Continue reading “Murders in the Rue Morgue (1971)”