King Kong was pretty bad ass as far as monsters go. Worshipped as a god on his awesome island home, he fought an all-star cast of dinosaurs. Later, he stole a beautiful woman and bragged about it by climbing the biggest building in the greatest city on Earth. Then he took on the air power of the United States. Even his death was epic, crashing in a big smelly heap all those stories to the ground while folks waxed poetic about beauty killing the beast. In 20 Million Miles to Earth, the Ymir fought a dog. And got stabbed in the back with a pitchfork. Continue reading “20 Million Miles to Earth (1957)”
Absolution (2015)
The best Steven Seagal film of the last 10 years! I said that to myself giddily as Absolution opened with Steve providing some narration about how he has lost faith in mankind. And how he did some bad things but he wanted to do one good thing before he died. I was pleading with Steve to make that one good thing he was going to do be this movie! And like some gargantuan-sized wish-granting Buddha with a horse hair rug stapled to his head, he freaking did it! Continue reading “Absolution (2015)”
Urban Justice (2007)
Max was a good cop. Until they killed him. Steven Seagal was a shadowy special ops dude and he probably never had a black bag job that involved killing every gang banger in south central L.A. Until they killed his son.
Like a 4XL-sized plague of Egypt destroying the first born (and second, third and fourth) homies all over the Hood, by the end of things Steve has shot, punched, kicked, stabbed, and grenaded his way to the promised land of sweet paternal vengeance. Continue reading “Urban Justice (2007)”
Forbidden World (1982)
Cancer gets a pretty bad rap what with it killing millions of people yearly and not having any cure for it and all. It even gets blamed for making something cool like smoking really, really uncool.
It’s nice then to see in that in far flung future of Forbidden World, cancer is on the side of the angels, aiding haggard-looking space hero Mike Colby in defeating an apparently rampaging (you don’t really see it move much – it just sort of shows up in places opening and closing its toothy mouth) alien eating the dullards inhabiting a research lab on the planet Xarbia. Continue reading “Forbidden World (1982)”
Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Were you put off by all the high-brow stuff Alien forced you to endure such as deliberating building up suspense and rationing out the monster attacks? Did it annoy you that the story was pretty simple to follow? And were you disgusted by how a strong woman was featured when all you were wanting was to see women killed and violated in a parade of sleazy misogynistic scenes? Don’t sweat it, dude, because producer Roger Corman has got you covered with a Man’s edition of Alien, the superbly scummy and undeservedly entertaining Galaxy of Terror! Continue reading “Galaxy of Terror (1981)”
Grizzly (1976)
Despite seeming to be about how dangerous our national parks have the possibility of being, Grizzly actually proves just the opposite! With its chain smoking park ranger, park supervisor who mindlessly turns loose a bunch of redneck hunters in the park, invites the press to watch while refusing to close the park to guests and sexy park employee who takes a breather from hunting down the bellicose bear to strip and suggestively frolic around a waterfall, you can see why all the eco Chicken Littles are screaming that the real danger is our parks being loved to death! Continue reading “Grizzly (1976)”
Fireback (1983)
What’s the perfect gift for a one man army? The One Man Army Gun of course! Sensibly code-named Omega (you’ll likely have already killed everyone with Omega before you can announce its official name during battle), it’s an automatic rifle, machine gun, grenade launcher, has a mini-missile and comes with built-in radio so that you can proudly broadcast all your carnage to your envious friends whose Omega hasn’t been delivered yet! Continue reading “Fireback (1983)”