I Married a Monster from Outer Space (1958)

IMarriedAMonsterPosterHow does an alien invasion begin, you ask? At a bachelor party, of course! Our hero (though once he gets taken over by some aliens with a funny looking face, he becomes our villain) is named Bill Farrell and he’s getting married to Marge in the morning, so he and his crew are tearing up the town one last time before he takes his solemn vows and enters a life of involuntary celibacy. (You married guys know what I’m talking about.)

Since this is 1958 and happens in the very small town of Norrisville, a rip snorting good time does not involve going out to a local Indian riverboat casino and gambling away the honeymoon money. Nope, Bill and the rest of Norrisville’s biggest partiers are sitting around a table in a bar, slumped over, greasy hair slightly mussed in that faux-wasted pose these movies are prone to use.

Bill really ties one on and stumbles out of the bar and down some darkened street where a bunch of off-screen aliens are camped out. He screams and then this thick black smoke rolls over him and then it’s morning and the nervous bride is pacing wondering why her man isn’t back yet from his bachelor party.

His friends try to allay her fears by telling her that Bill just got completely obliterated last night and that he must be having trouble scraping the barf off his tux.

Finally, Bill shows up, but he’s a bit different. It’s not the puked-stained shirt or the fact that his breath smells like downtown Milwaukee – that we expected. It’s that he’s very distant and the only expression he’s capable of putting on that handsome, hung over mug of his is something that you could only call the “possessed scowl.”

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You know the look. It’s this thing where the dude is obviously under the control of an alien presence since he isn’t really smiling (because aliens are never excited to be inhabiting our inferior forms), but it isn’t a complete frown since the alien doesn’t want to draw undue suspicion on himself by being blatantly crabby. It’s frequently accompanied by the “vacant stare” if that helps you out.

Bill and Marge get married in a storybook ceremony that we get to skip since we have a 78 minute running time we need to strictly adhere to. But to make up for that, we get to go on the honeymoon with them!

This is when Marge really begins to notice the change in her hubby’s personality. First he drives around at night without the headlights on. Then when they get to their honeymoon destination and Bill gets out of his car and walks off without so much as opening the car door for his blushing bride. Why, he must be a complete alien to behave in such a manner!

Time goes by and in an effort to snap Bill out of his year long alien possession, Marge goes out and buys him an anniversary present. She comes home with it and shows him that he is now the proud owner of a little puppy!

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Everyone knows though that dogs are really good at sniffing out aliens, so this dog immediately starts yapping and snarling and we’re already wondering what Marge is going to do with the little cage she bought for the dog once Bill kills it.

Later, Bill walks around in the dark and down into the basement where he’s made Marge tie the thing up. There he uses his alien powers to choke the dog with his bare hands!

When Marge comes butting in wondering why she heard what sounded like a little puppy’s death rattle in the basement, Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “I guess you just put his collar on too tight.” Paging Dr. Phil! Relationship in trouble! Stat!

Even though her husband is a cold hearted dog killer, the biggest problem Marge is having with Bill is that she can’t get pregnant. She goes to her doctor who tells her that he’s run all of the tests and that she checks out just fine. In fact, he says the only thing left for him to do, is just to try her out himself. Okay, he never said that, but wouldn’t it have been funny if he did?

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Marge decides to follow Bill out one night to see if the reason they can’t have children is because he has a habit of just disappearing at night sometimes. She follows him out to the woods and discovers the shocking truth!

Bill and Marge eventually have a fairly low key confrontation where he spills the beans about how all the women on his planet croaked and that they are working on how to mutate earth women so they can breed them. The usual gang of angry villagers and dogs is then formed to liberate the town.

I Married a Monster From Outer Space is one of those “beneath the shiny suburban veneer of post-war America, everything sucks” films that all self-loathing Americans love! Wrapping it all up in an alien invasion story makes it that much more tasty because it adds the icky aspect that this woman was sleeping with something that wasn’t her husband!

I have to say though that the idea of taking over a town and then just waiting around to see if your scientists can figure a way out to make earth women have babies with you seems a bit like an ass-backwards way to run an alien invasion. You should at least send in some reconnaissance space studs ahead of time to make sure the human broads are hot enough to even bother with!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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