Who is the black-gloved killer slashing and decapitating his way through the ugly Italian family spending the weekend at their crazy Aunt Martha’s house? Is it Thomas, the creepy caretaker? Or maybe it’s Thomas, the creepy caretaker. Then there’s always the chance that they’ll pull a fast one on us and have it turn out to be Thomas, the creepy caretaker. Continue reading
Lucio Fulci‘s penultimate film, Voices From Beyond is beyond awful and repeatedly threatened to plunge me into a catatonic state. I was hoping though that he was going out with a little class when it began since the word “prologue” came up and I had visions of a grizzled old sailor setting the stage for a tale of some foul deed done long ago and the resulting modern day ghost seeking revenge. I was a bit surprised then when the first scene consisted of two naked people humping each other. Holy crap, I thought! We were going to be haunted by really icky made-for-Italian TV softcore porn! Continue reading
It’s not often that my gag reflex kicks in as soon as a movie starts. Most movies this ineptly made don’t get around to actively sucking for something like ten or fifteen minutes (that’s part of their ineptness – they’re slow to get going), but director Lucio Fulci (Zombie, The House by the Cemetery) starts it off with a soft rock ballad so wimpy, that even REO Speedwagon would be embarrassed by it! Continue reading
Thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt a god was worshipped more horrible than any other! His name was something like Hammybooboo and as the centuries passed, the memory of such a terrifying being was all but forgotten! In fact, an expert Egyptologist advises star Christopher Connelly that only two things are still known about Hammy. One was that he was really cruel. And the other? Utter evil! Continue reading
As a Board certified expert on voodoo, I know exactly two things about our most popular horror movie religion. One is that voodoo dolls are a must for dealing with exes. And two, you never ignore stories from the superstitious natives about what the evil juju man is doing and how the dead are coming back to life!
Any four year old versed in West African religious traditions will tell you that juju and voodoo are two separate belief systems and that these two teaming up on one cursed island is the supernatural equivalent of the Tripartite Pact! But with zombies! And sharks! And topless scuba diving! Continue reading
It’s a question that’s vexed cineastes for more than a generation, sparking heated debate and rending friendships asunder! Everyone has an opinion on it and most have come to realize that like politics, religion and soccer, it’s just not something to discuss in polite company! I am referring of course to the severed zombie head in the refrigerator scene in Zombi 3! Continue reading
Everything starts innocently enough when a mob of angry townspeople in the Louisiana bayous way back in 1927 invade The Seven Doors Hotel and brutalize a painter staying in Room 36. There is also a book involved with the title “Eiobon” which is one of those books that some off screen voice always reads from promising gloom and doom for dopes foolish enough to buy the old Seven Doors Hotel.
To the beginning bed and breakfast owner, it sounds a bit like a money pit. The unscrupulous real estate agent in me though is already trying to figure out how to work “every room comes equipped with a luxurious gateway hell and HBO” into the inevitable listing once the new owners get trapped in the zombie-infested basement! Continue reading
This is a slasher movie from Lucio Fulci (The House by the Cemetery) with a black cat playing the part of the slasher. It actually doesn’t really make as much sense as all that, but none of the rest of the parts in the movie ever seemed to add up to anything beyond their apparent disconnectedness, so that’s what I managed to boil things down to. Continue reading
This is the film that Lucio Fulci did along with The Sweet House Of Horrors for the “Doomed Houses” series of TV movies in Italy that also consisted of House of Lost Souls and House of Witchcraft from Umberto Lenzi. The House of Clocks is less painful to sit through the The Sweet House of Horrors, but that doesn’t alter the fact that The House of Clocks is typical of late period Fulci TV fare where production values, acting, and story all compete to see which is the shoddiest. And guess what? They’re all winners! Continue reading