A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973)

The only question I have is where in the hell was Pig Pen? That stinky little fellow is the only reason anyone watches these adventures of an ugly, bald whiner and his weirdo friends. You would think that Charlie Brown would have the decency to invite his dirty buddy to Thanksgiving dinner, but alas, I guess this holiday is only for clean people.

Knowing that Thanksgiving in America is all about football, the show wisely starts us off with a sequence involving Lucy and Chuck. Anyone with a passing familiarity with the Peanuts gang knows exactly what to expect here: Lucy wants Chuck to kick the ball that she’s holding, but Chuck is reluctant because she’ll just pull it away at the last second, leaving Chuck lying in the dust feeling like he just fell out of the stupid tree. To be honest, I find it difficult to sympathize with a guy who is such a slow learner. Just once I want to see Chuck’s foot slip and end up wedged in Lucy’s ugly puss.

Like a lot of wieners, Chuck’s plans for T-giving involve him going to his grandmother’s house for dinner. His plans do not involve getting a call from his lesbian friend Peppermint Patty. Here’s what I’m going to recommend to Chuck in lieu of him actually growing some nads and telling Peppermint Patty where to go: Caller I.D.

But Chuck is perhaps the pussiest main character to grace the comic pages next to the Born Loser, so he dutifully answers the phone and Patty immediately invites herself over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 1

And even though she strenuously tries to maintain her heterosexual cover, she can’t help but invite her mousy girlfriend Marcie over as well. (If I was Patty and trying to hide my same sex love from everyone, I would probably instruct my gal pal not to run around calling me “sir.”)

Even though Chuck is set to go to granny’s later that afternoon, he lets Patty run him over and doesn’t let on that he won’t be around for Thanksgiving dinner. Linus steps in though to save the day and goes into classic sitcom mode and suggests that they could just have two Thanksgiving dinners, one at Granny’s and one for all the neighborhood freeloaders before that. Sure, I guess that would allow for a maximum amount of wackiness. Without batting an eye, Chuck agrees to this debacle, I mean, plan.

This is where Snoopy and his little buddy Woodstock really get to shine. It involves them setting up a ping pong table in the backyard for the big dinner, but not before they get a game in. Linus gets them back on task and then it’s off to the kitchen where Snoopy and Woodstock are in charge of preparing a feast of popcorn, toast, and jelly beans!

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 2

Once the big meal is ready and Patty and her posse have arrived, Patty is aghast at the meal. Outraged because she was expecting turkey and stuffing and ended up with Jiffy Pop and Jelly Bellys, she dumps all over Chuck who runs away in a huff. Dude, you had your dog and his itty-bitty bird friend cook the dinner! The bird got the dog’s ear stuck in the toaster and buttered it! Where you expecting a four star review from Patty?

Sometimes a butch gal like Patty doesn’t realize how abrasive she can be, especially when dealing with sensitive sissy boys like Chuck so Marcie has to be the voice of reason and let Patty know that she was really mean to Chuck.

Patty sends Marcie in to patch things up and of course Chuck is all forgiving and the next thing I know, Granny is on the phone wah, wah, wahing about how Chuck can invite his sponge-like friends over to her condo for a real Thanksgiving dinner.

I found all this rather boring and wondered what was the lesson for the kids in this Charlie Brown turkey. Granny’s going to bail your spineless ass out every time a mannish woman takes advantage of you?

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 3

Heck, that cartoon isn’t even the worst thing on the DVD though! There’s a “Bonus Feature” called The Mayflower Voyagers and it has Chuck and the gang back in the time of the pilgrims.

I think they must have cut the first five minutes of this one because I didn’t see anything about the gang accidentally getting into Pig Pen’s time machine and Chuck bumping into the gear shift or anything. It’s probably for the best though, since this particular twenty four minutes felt longer than the sixty-five days these cry babies spent on the Mayflower.

Linus over-narrates everything in this one and dumps tons of snooze-inducing historical facts on us. This is like the trash your teacher would show in grade school when she didn’t feel like teaching and wanted to sneak out of the room to try and nail the P.E. teacher.

Since The Mayflower Voyagers can’t carry any of the load on this DVD (Good God! We have to see Chuck’s ugly feet in this one!), we have to grade this particular Chuck Brown affair on the first cartoon alone.

Let’s see: wimpy hero who pisses and moans after letting everyone run him over, utterly pointless story, way too much Patty and her girlfriend, an embarrassingly token appearance by Chuck’s black pal Franklin (mysteriously absent in The Mayflower Voyagers!), no Red Baron (Snoopy does dress up as a pilgrim though), and no Pig Pen! I think I saw him make a cameo appearance on the Mayflower in the other episode, but that could have just been sea-sick induced delirium.

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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