My Smurfy Valentine (1982)

If Valentine’s Day is a stressful exercise in having your failed existence shoved in your face for loser blockheads like Charlie Brown (as was so lovingly depicted in Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown), it’s positively apocalyptic for us beautiful people! This was never illustrated to better effect than in My Smurfy Valentine, which saw Smurfette desperately attempting to come to grips with the nightmarish reality of Valentine’s Day in her strange blue-hued world

Those of you blessed to have grown up in the early 1980s without a bratty little sister probably aren’t terribly familiar with the Smurfs since you likely were watching awesome cartoons like Hong Kong Phooey and Mighty Orbots instead. To catch you lucky few up, the Smurfs are little blue shirtless dudes who live in mushrooms, have names that reflect a characteristic (i.e. Brainy Smurf is smart) and say the word “smurf” as a substitute for about every third word in their conversations. For example: These mothersmurfing smurfs are so full of smurf with all their smurfing around it makes me want to smurf their smurfy faces in!

The weirdest thing about them though is that while there are countless smurfs milling around at any given time annoying the viewer with their smurfy prattle, there is only one female smurf, Smurfette! One can only imagine how an entire village’s pent up desires to smurf anything that moves ultimately manifests itself on that day of the year set aside to celebrate exactly that!

Smurfette understandably borders on having nervous breakdown, worrying about all the valentines she has to give out, as well as the attention she is getting from every other member of her race. Ultimately, she does what any of us hot girls would do when we’re surrounded by the lame locals trying to get smurfy with her – she pens a note to Cupid asking him for her Prince Smurfing! Even worse? Cupid turns out to be an old short balding guy in a smurfing diaper who can’t seem to hit the broad side of a barn with his stupid heart arrows!

The smurfiest part of all this though is that Smurfette’s love connection problems are merely just the subplot of My Smurfy Valentine! The Smurfs don’t just live in the forest blissfully singing their earsplitting theme song ad nauseam. They also have an arch nemesis, a crabby old wizard named Gargamel who (along with his surly cat Azrael) is always trying to catch them and eat them! And just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean Gargs has lost his taste for some medium rare Smurf loin chops!

But wait! The smurf is really about to hit the fan because Papa Smurf realizes that there is a full eclipse that night and whenever that happens on Valentine’s Day, you can use this wishing well to make any wish come true!  Papa Smurf worries about what would happen if a bad person made a wish, but quickly dismisses the thought since who else would know, right? Except for the other evil wizard in the woods named Chlorhydris! And she’s hell bent on wishing for a world without love! And for some reason she needs Gargamel’s cat to do it!

The Smurfs and Cupid race to the well in an effort to stop both wizards (who are now fighting each other for the right to make their own evil wish) and ultimately Smurfette wisely wishes for a deus ex machina to quickly resolve everything.

If you despise the Smurfs, this special is recommended because you have not one, but two bad guys to root for, plus you can take perverse pleasure in what a messed up society the Smurfs have and that their Cupid looks like elderly midget with an adult baby fetish. You can also enjoy how quickly Gargamel sells Azrael as soon as he’s offered gold for his pet and how quickly Chlorhydris doublecrosses Gargamel as soon as she has Azrael.

Another admirable quality of My Smurfy Valentine is that no lessons are learned. There was some talk form Cupid about how Smurfette has to find love in her heart not from a wishing well or a prince, but that can be disregarded as just so much insulting mansplaining. In fact, Smurfette and everyone simply end up back in their village with her mindlessly embracing her frightening fate as the village’s sole sex object. And even if all that isn’t enough to convince you to give this one a chance, at least it isn’t those smurfing underwater Snorks!

© 2019 MonsterHunter

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