Casablanca Express (1989)

Pop quiz hotshot. You have a runaway train pointed at your platoon. What do you do? What do you do? Turns out to be a real easy question to answer for a Johnny Yank who’s on the the other train with his platoon. You take your bazooka and blow the piss out of it and the dirty no-good Kraut driving it! Give my regards to Uncle Adolph, you jackbooted, bratwurst sucking, Aryan dog turd!

Truth be told though, in Casablanca Express, our guys really didn’t kick as much Axis tail as I would have liked, but that was because super duper British secret agent Alan Cooper was doing a lot of it. And really, if it isn’t red-blooded Americans shooting, stabbing, and cussing out Nazis, there’s no one I would rather see do it than a British guy played by Connery. Jason Connery. Continue reading “Casablanca Express (1989)”

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

In the far future, the world has descended into chaos! It is a time of sorcery! It is a time of flying motorbikes and laser guns! It is a time of mutants! And most mind-shatteringly of all, it is time of people walking around! And standing around! And talking! And driving! This is the grubby, dull and economically budgeted world that Jared-Syn wants to rule!

But there is one Ranger, a Finder (whatever that means!) named Dogen, who has the guts (and leather pants) to hunt Jared-Syn down in his mountain fortress and talk all the guys with deformed faces out of naming Jared-Syn as their new chief. (Admittedly, Jared-Syn doesn’t help his cause much when he claims Dogen is lying about him just being all about the power and making everyone his slaves when moments later he announces that he is their master.) Continue reading “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)”

My Smurfy Valentine (1982)

If Valentine’s Day is a stressful exercise in having your failed existence shoved in your face for loser blockheads like Charlie Brown (as was so lovingly depicted in Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown), it’s positively apocalyptic for us beautiful people! This was never illustrated to better effect than in My Smurfy Valentine, which saw Smurfette desperately attempting to come to grips with the nightmarish reality of Valentine’s Day in her strange blue-hued world Continue reading “My Smurfy Valentine (1982)”

International Airport (1985)

I’m sure Airport resonated with the fossils who saw it when it first came out way back in 1970. Back in those days, you could slap Burt Lancaster’s name on a movie poster and people would pay to see just about anything, even a movie where he just drove back and forth from his office to different parts of airport!

In those more innocent/clueless days gone by, you could watch a sweaty nervous guy just bring a primitive bomb onto a plane and think “shoot, that could probably happen about six or seven times a week at any old airport!” There were probably even folks back then who actually owed some of star Dean Martin’s record albums! Continue reading “International Airport (1985)”

Happy New Year, Charlie Brown (1986)

Spolier alert – Charlie Brown has a miserable New Year’s Eve. While it can be argued that it wasn’t all his fault since his teacher assigned his class to read War and Peace over the Christmas break, he was the only one the homework caused to have a days-long nervous breakdown. But what would the holidays be if there weren’t multiple stressors to push susceptible folks like Charlie Brown into a downward spiral of whiny self-loathing? Continue reading “Happy New Year, Charlie Brown (1986)”

The Care Bears: Grams Bear’s Thanksgiving Surprise (1986)

Did you know Thanksgiving is even celebrated in far flung places like Carealot? The realm of the Care Bears turns out to be not much different than our own (except for the flying cars made out of clouds) as everyone is working hard to prepare for Grams Bear’s arrival. But like any first responder, the Care Bears are always on call, even on Thanksgiving! So it is that Share Bear heads to Earth to help a human brat figure out what he’s going to say in his big Thanksgiving speech to his home town! Continue reading “The Care Bears: Grams Bear’s Thanksgiving Surprise (1986)”

The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)

A refreshingly nasty take on Thanksgiving from an unlikely source. The Berenstain Bears, best known for the sensible and long suffering Mama Bear who is saddled with a clumsy and clueless Papa Bear and a pair of cubs who don’t have any personality beyond their clothing, the books frequently beat the reader over the head with some lesson about positive values like honesty, manners and eating healthy. This time it’s the importance of being thankful and sharing your bounty, but with a bit of a twist. Like some lame horror movie attempting to cash in on a holiday, there’s a monster coming to destroy all of Bear Country this Thanksgiving to fulfill a prophecy! Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)”