Happy New Year, Charlie Brown (1986)

Spolier alert – Charlie Brown has a miserable New Year’s Eve. While it can be argued that it wasn’t all his fault since his teacher assigned his class to read War and Peace over the Christmas break, he was the only one the homework caused to have a days-long nervous breakdown. But what would the holidays be if there weren’t multiple stressors to push susceptible folks like Charlie Brown into a downward spiral of whiny self-loathing? Continue reading “Happy New Year, Charlie Brown (1986)”

The Care Bears: Grams Bear’s Thanksgiving Surprise (1986)

Did you know Thanksgiving is even celebrated in far flung places like Carealot? The realm of the Care Bears turns out to be not much different than our own (except for the flying cars made out of clouds) as everyone is working hard to prepare for Grams Bear’s arrival. But like any first responder, the Care Bears are always on call, even on Thanksgiving! So it is that Share Bear heads to Earth to help a human brat figure out what he’s going to say in his big Thanksgiving speech to his home town! Continue reading “The Care Bears: Grams Bear’s Thanksgiving Surprise (1986)”

The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)

A refreshingly nasty take on Thanksgiving from an unlikely source. The Berenstain Bears, best known for the sensible and long suffering Mama Bear who is saddled with a clumsy and clueless Papa Bear and a pair of cubs who don’t have any personality beyond their clothing, the books frequently beat the reader over the head with some lesson about positive values like honesty, manners and eating healthy. This time it’s the importance of being thankful and sharing your bounty, but with a bit of a twist. Like some lame horror movie attempting to cash in on a holiday, there’s a monster coming to destroy all of Bear Country this Thanksgiving to fulfill a prophecy! Continue reading “The Berenstain Bears Meet Bigpaw (1980)”

Dorothy in the Land of Oz (1980)

If you can watch Dorothy in the Land of Oz and watch Dorothy carrying around a talking pie and not snicker, I don’t want to know you. This marginally Thanksgiving-related special leaves you wondering if someone dosed your stuffing with LSD right from the beginning when the Wizard of Oz himself appears to steal said pie from Auntie Em’s window sill! (This was before the pie was transported with Dorothy and Toto to Oz and achieved sentience through the accidental application of a special powder.) Continue reading “Dorothy in the Land of Oz (1980)”

The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb (1980)

Researchers, scientists, scholars and people who have even half a brain have long since debunked the idea that there was a curse that killed people involved in excavating Tutankhamen’s tomb back in 1922. Heck, Howard Carter, the archeologist in charge of it all, lived until he was 64 years old and died of lymphoma in 1939! If Tut’s otherworldly powers couldn’t even touch the guy who personally punched a hole in his tomb, his mummy mojo is pretty weak. Continue reading “The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb (1980)”

Terror Force Commando (1986)

Ripped from the headlines of 1985 which your local newspaper surely never covered! But that didn’t mean it never happened! Just that no one gave a crap about it! But if you weren’t so wrapped up watching The Goonies and rocking out to “Sussidio” then you might have realized that half a world away, events were transpiring that demanded the armed intervention of none other than Richard Harrison! Of course I’m talking about the Pope’s trip to Cameroon! Continue reading “Terror Force Commando (1986)”

Final Mission (1984)

Seargent Vince Deacon has been on a lot of missions, from the secret dirty little war he was fighting in Laos in 1972 to the war on the streets of a scuzzy early 1980s Los Angeles as the guy on the SWAT team voted “Most Likely to Have PTSD” to the home invasion he has to fight off when he’s just trying to get a little off duty booty from his wife!

All those are pretty awesome missions, no doubt about it. How can you possible top a mission where you fought your traitor buddy hand to hand while huts were exploding all around you? Or when you rode on top of a squad car, leaping off of it onto a fire escape and then blasted your way through some scumbag gang so awesomely that you were interviewed on the news about it? Or when you’re in the middle of giving your wife an orgasm and you have to pull out to snap the necks of a bunch of punks who are breaking into your house? Continue reading “Final Mission (1984)”