So horrible on every level, it’s the sort of movie that leaves you sputtering in a laughable attempt to describe precisely what was so awful about it all.
Like the debris from the boats that the killer octopus leaves scattered here and there between bouts of eating children, the hideous aspects of this film featuring Henry Fonda (apparently warming up for The Swarm) are strewn helter skelter throughout every facet of it. Continue reading “Tentacles (1977)”
Borderline compelling in a minor trainwreck sort of way, Bloodmatch keeps you watching because you’re never sure what it’s up to. That’s not to say that it’s some sort of groundbreaking film or ingeniously plotted or anything like that. It’s straight forward enough – though to be honest I’m not sure I ever really grasped the finer points of the story. It’s just that what is going on is so unpleasant, you’re hoping that they’ll somehow figure out a way to make it all palatable to the viewer. You probably won’t be surprised that they never do. You’ll probably be even less surprised that the movie is directed by Albert Pyun. Continue reading “Bloodmatch (1991)”
As a Board certified expert on voodoo, I know exactly two things about our most popular horror movie religion. One is that voodoo dolls are a must for dealing with exes. And two, you never ignore stories from the superstitious natives about what the evil juju man is doing and how the dead are coming back to life!
Any four year old versed in West African religious traditions will tell you that juju and voodoo are two separate belief systems and that these two teaming up on one cursed island is the supernatural equivalent of the Tripartite Pact! But with zombies! And sharks! And topless scuba diving! Continue reading “Zombie (1979)”
In the future, society will be divided into a strict class structure. The undesireables known as Subgrades will not be allowed to hold jobs. They will not be allowed to marry or have children. Their basest desires must be satisfied with a futuristic concept known as…whores! Continue reading “Crime Zone (1989)”
Internet-review-site-whipping-boy Albert Pyun (Cyborg, Captain America) embarked on his career as a film director whose lack of talent is only exceeded by his stunning ability to continue to find work with this movie. To paraphrase an old Chinese proverb, “the filmography of a thousand horrible films begins with but one starring the charisma-impaired Lee Horsley.” Continue reading “The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)”
Omega Cop is back! And this time he’s Karate Cop! Why? Because that’s the title of the movie! Ron Marchini, the short, stocky guy with large ears who in Omega Cop played the last of the Special Police on a planet suffering from the Greenhouse Effect, again plays John Travis in a post-apocalyptic tale of a guy obsessed with his hat! Continue reading “Karate Cop (1991)”
If your mom has told once, she’s told you a thousand times: do not steal Omega Cop’s hat! A group of thugs learn that lesson the hard way during one of the seminal moments of this first Omega Cop adventure!
The world is being thrown into chaos by one of those Greenhouse Effect deals, causing water to be scarce and solar flares to be mega deadly! Even worse is that this has somehow caused gangs of slavers to be formed! And even worser yet, post-apocalyptic punks are out there stealing Omega Cop’s freaking hat! Continue reading “Omega Cop (1990)”
