What happens when you team a pair of Italian trash cinema vets like David Warbeck (The Ark of the Sun God, Karate Rock) and Janet Agren (Hands of Steel, Karate Warrior) with director Tonino Ricci, a man with his own sterling Italian schlock resume of which Rush and A Man Called Rage are just a few of the highlights, and turn the whole lot of them loose with a camera crew in Britain? Panic! Pure monster prowling in the sewers panic! Why, after seeing this movie, I’ll never feel safe hanging around in my local sewers ever again! Continue reading “Panic (1982)”
Author: monsterhunter
Antropophagus (1980)
For all its notoriety, other than when the cheese-grater faced killer strangled the pregnant woman, pulled out her fetus and took a big old bite out of it, I found Antropophagus to be fairly restrained as far as gross out slasher movies go. Continue reading “Antropophagus (1980)”
The Little Drummer Boy Book II (1976)
The first time was for his Messiah! Now Aaron, the Little Drummer Boy with the biggest skills on the skins, takes on a mission that leaves him stripped of everything that matters to him, facing down an evil empire and spearheading the invasion to make everything right on behalf of one of the Three Wise Men!
The silver bells that were made to announce the birth of Jesus must be recovered at all costs! (See how easy we have it now when Simeon the bell maker could just announce it on social media instead of making a racket with his gigantic bells?) Continue reading “The Little Drummer Boy Book II (1976)”
The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas (1973)
“Don’t look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you’ll find.” This quote from Planet of the Apes kept going through my mind as I watched Ted E. Bear’s desperate search for Christmas.
In the Apes movie, Dr. Zauis tries to warn Taylor off of seeking to find the answer as to how a planet came to be where apes evolved from men, knowing that the truth will shatter Taylor. The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas fares even worse because Ted’s entire life is destroyed, yet he not only fails to realize it, he willingly embraces it! Continue reading “The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas (1973)”
Beyond the Law (2019)
“Y’all want to be a gangster? That’s part of the life, bitch!” the absurdly named Augustino Finn Adair wisely advises four punks who robbed him as he calmly guns them down.
Such a clear-eyed approach to the pitfalls of a life of crime could only be dispensed by that braggadocios behemoth, Steven Seagal, playing a crime lord who not only lectures his son (and complaining in a cringe-worthy moment that having a conversation with him was like talking to a “retarded child”) about treating everyone right, but also the corrupt cop who is trying to avenge the death of his own son, Chance, at the hands of Seagal’s son, Desmond. Continue reading “Beyond the Law (2019)”
The Sect (1991)
If you not only drive the hobo you almost ran over back to your house for some R&R, but also allow him to spend the night, you really have no one but yourself to blame when he sneaks into your bedroom and inserts a giant bug up your nose. Continue reading “The Sect (1991)”
Meteor (1979)
Despite being derided as being so terrible that it helped create its own mass extinction level event (the end of the 1970s disaster movie genre), if we’re being honest, Meteor is a painfully accurate depiction of what would happen if the Earth was about suffer a large asteroid impact.
Namely, that our heroes would push a few buttons, turn some dials, and watch countdown clocks and computer monitors until the giant rock either hit us or it didn’t while bustling around huffing and puffing to disguise the fact that they really had nothing to do but stand around with their thumb in their asses the whole time. Continue reading “Meteor (1979)”