Spellbreaker: Secret of the Leprechauns (1996)

Spellbreaker VHS CoverIt’s easy to say that Spellbreaker: The Secret of the Leprechauns is like some kind of mediocre wish granted for having endured its puny predecessor, Leapin’ Leprechauns!

If you recall, that film followed an old man and his stowaway leprechaun and fairy friends as he visited his douche son and family in Denver. Douche dad was trying to scam old man into letting him build the Irelandland theme park on Fairy Hill. No one believed old man about the existence of the wee folk at first, but everyone came around eventually.

If you don’t recall any of that, don’t worry because Spellbreaker wastes its first two minutes having douche dad’s creepy son, Mikey, narrate it all, accompanied by flashbacks. This is easily the worst part of Spellbreaker. That’s not really a compliment toward Spellbreaker so much as a reminder of what a pile of pooka droppings Leapin’ Leprechauns! was. Continue reading “Spellbreaker: Secret of the Leprechauns (1996)”

Leapin’ Leprechauns! (1995)

I want to tell you a tale about a guy who didn’t believe in the wee folk. He was given to lying to his pops, patronizing his family and worst of all possessing a douchey countenance and haircut.

He heard stories that his immortal soul was bound to be hauled off by some evil cloud-monster-banshee thing to whatever hell the wee folk think up for non-believers (lots of soccer and Riverdance, but I’m just guessing), but he what did he care because these little turds weren’t real, right?

But then, like in all other major religions, these pesky pipsqueaks started giving him signs like causing food to get shoved in his face! And magic markers to fly around! And a vase full of water tipping over on his plans for the moronically named Irelandland! (I like to think King Kevin was just trying to save this dope from himself with that trick.) Continue reading “Leapin’ Leprechauns! (1995)”

Bloodmoon (1997)

This movie reaffirmed my faith in our kickboxing lord and savior, Gary Daniels. So much of Gary’s teachings involve showing us that if we bear the crosses he gives us (stupid plots, poorly executed scenes of guys flying through the air on wires, hideously untalented and unappealing co-stars), our reward will not be the eternal damnation that lesser action stars (Van Damme, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, and the Great Satan himself, Steven Seagal) routinely deliver like a cold, soggy pizza the driver spit, shat, and pissed on, but an everlasting peace brought about by his love of kicking and punching scumbag killers! Continue reading “Bloodmoon (1997)”

Cyber Tracker (1994)

It’s time for another one of those bargain basement action icon team ups that can occasionally nudge a movie like Cyber Tracker from cyber crapper status all the way up to cyber clunker status!

Much like the Jeff Speakman flick Scorpio One which had the Perfect Weapon take on Brent Huff of Strike Commando 2 fame, Cyber Tracker creams the undiscerning action audience’s jeans with the mouth watering showdown between Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Richard “The Kick Fighter With A Mullet” Norton. Continue reading “Cyber Tracker (1994)”

Cop Target (1990)

The single greatest movie character ever invented? The cop on the edge! He’s the guy who plays by his own rules, is often times on suspension, and frequently gets cussed out by his superior for “violating” some obscure “right” that’s been conferred on the criminal scum of this nation by a liberal activist judge. We know their names like our family’s names. Dirty Harry, John McClane, Mel Gibson, those two black guys in the Bad Boys movies, and Farley Wood. Continue reading “Cop Target (1990)”

Endless Descent (1990)

Jack Scalia (Dark Breed, The Silencers) co-stars with his gigantic hair as the bad ass submarine designer who dives down a billion miles into the ocean to blast some respect into mutant sea monsters that have gone and wrecked his sub! And don’t lie to me and say you didn’t just rip a fricking hole in the crotch of your wet suit when you read that! Incredibly, like some sort of unbelievable deep sea anomaly that can only exist because of the extreme conditions down there, Endless Descent goes out and just blows away the lofty expectations you have for a film featuring Scalia vs. mutants! Continue reading “Endless Descent (1990)”