Jack Scalia (Dark Breed, The Silencers) co-stars with his gigantic hair as the bad ass submarine designer who dives down a billion miles into the ocean to blast some respect into mutant sea monsters that have gone and wrecked his sub! And don’t lie to me and say you didn’t just rip a fricking hole in the crotch of your wet suit when you read that! Incredibly, like some sort of unbelievable deep sea anomaly that can only exist because of the extreme conditions down there, Endless Descent goes out and just blows away the lofty expectations you have for a film featuring Scalia vs. mutants!
It was easy to expect that Endless Descent was going to be a giant squid-sized winner. After all, this movie was less than 80 minutes long, the cover art for the video box was awesome, and Scalia was featured on the spine of the box in a wife beater!
I giggled as I thought about those poor mutants sliming around in their under sea cavern thinking their foul, abominable existence and strange evolutionary adaptations were going to be a match for those old fashioned American gunboats of Scalia’s! Heck, when they were handing out the blasters to the crew, I was half expecting Scalia to go into posedown mode and announce, “give my gun to someone who needs it!”
Scalia plays Wick Hayes, who’s sleeping off another bender when his country comes calling for his services one more time! The sub he designed, the Siren I, has gone and had some kind of engine trouble down at the bottom of the ocean! No one knows the sub like he does! But he quit the sub designing force years ago because of a dispute over his sub!
He’ll never go back and help the government, especially since they went and changed his design to add a bunch of faulty nuclear engines! But his best freaking friend in the whole of the seven seas is on board!
It’s time to put aside past disagreements! Wick Hayes will never leave a buddy behind in a broken down submarine to be eaten by sea monsters! And how could he ever do otherwise after his parents anointed him as a sea stud by naming him Wick Hayes!
Wick signs onto a NATO rescue mission that’s being mounted aboard the Siren II, another sub Wick designed that the government mucked up with modifications after he left! Everyone on the crew hates him because they blame Wick for the design flaws that caused the Siren I to sink.
There’s not enough time though for that to develop much beyond some sneers and refusal to shake hands because the tough as nails captain played R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) shows up along with his second in command, a woman from Wick’s past!
R. Lee and Wick clash due to Wick’s mammoth pile of hair and Wick gets suspended from the control room! Wick and this woman clash for about thirty seconds over hurt feelings, but this is a movie about killer algae and weird egg sacs, so that’s the extent of that storyline. Besides, there will be plenty of time for some make up screwing aboard the escape pod at the end of the movie, right?
The ship follows a signal from the Siren I all the way down to a strange and really, really deep part of the ocean. The trip down to the source of the signal is not without incident though as the Siren II finds itself in the grip of a strange white creature that could be some sort of giant sea plant, jellyfish thing, or maybe a piece of foam rubber.
A diver also manages to get himself eaten by something, but not before a sample of killer algae is brought aboard for Wick’s girlfriend to infect the ship with, I mean, study.
With the preliminaries out of the way, it’s time to send the crew into the underwater cavern that the Siren II has surfaced in. This is where the movie delivers on all its promises of wet, nasty, chunk-spewing violence as Wick and his team lock and load against the foul beasts that infest the cave!
Director Juan Piquer Simón (Slugs) smartly has Wick and company dressed in white hazmat suits which only serve to emphasize all the gore that splatters on them as they blast a variety of creatures into a boner-inducing slow motion spray of blood and monster gunk! But the monsters give as good as they get, ripping off limbs, biting people in the face, and even eating people whole!
We could probably allow that Wick has done his duty for us after the DNA Accelerator machine, the gigantic starfish thing hanging on the ceiling, and the mountain of translucent egg sacs are blown up, have him hop back on the sub and sail away into the closing credits. But do you really think that Wick is going to leave things half done?
Half done? What else is there to do? Hasn’t he already done enough for his country? Surely, enduring the stink of burning mutants alone will earn this guy about six Purple Hearts!
But what about the evil that stalks the sub? What was going on in that cavern with the machines? Why was there a fake distress call from the Siren I? And why has Ray Wise (Twin Peaks) been acting suspicious the entire movie?
Wick and R. Lee have one more chance to prove to each other that even though they might not agree with one another’s haircuts, they can agree that both are tough mothers who aren’t going to shy away from working together and brawling against bad guys when they need to!
This one is quite simply 20,000 leagues of awesome! The tossed off explanations about just why these mutants are running around don’t really matter when you’re watching R. Lee rubbing a guy’s face into another guy’s infected face and then locking him in a room so that he can die a painful death!
© 2014 MonsterHunter